Father in law issues - urgent advice

[Monica247]

Hi

I don't know where to begin and could really use some advice as I am feeling guilty about how I am feeling in deciding not to allow my 3 yr old see his grandad anymore. I have been crying all evening and really upset about this family issue. Ive been married to my husband for 5 years and since being with him, I've always had run ins with my father in law (fil). This has mainly been comments with racial undertones as well as him asking my husband why he chose me as his wife and asking if he found me in a dumpster. I've been putting up with his sly comments all this time but since I had my son in 2015, I have felt that I need to stand up more for myself so my son doesn't see his grandad behaviour as acceptable.
Today our car broke down and as my fil arrived to pick up me and my son so my husband could stay in the car till the breakdown guy arrived, i voiced my concerns to my fil that just days ago, my husband's cousin had carried out an MOT and service on the car but he didn't mention the clutch having problems. (We have been using him since I've known my husband and the car always seems to get worse whenever a service has been carried out, even my sister in law refuses to have her car seen by him for this very reason) but as soon as I mentioned we might try another garage to look at the car, my fil slammed the door really hard that my 3 yr old whowas in the back of car, whimpered and my fil walked up to my husband who was in his car and said "go to another garage and pay them more than name of cousin charges you". My husband was obviously shocked by this outburst and I was so upset that he made my son cry, I got out of the car and proceeded to take my son out of the seat. My fil then ran towards me and AGGRESSIVELY started manhandling my son, shouting "Here take him!" He was aggressively taking him out of his seat belt and hurting him. My husband and I both asked him what on earth he was doing. Our son was crying in fear and just thinking of the look on his face is breaking my heart. He started saying "Nonno no!" I grabbed my son from my fil and told him not to touch my son like that. I can't explain it on writing well but it was a terrifying experience and I thought he was going to attack my son. As soon as I walked away from him, my fil said to me that I was nothing to him. By now I was so shaken up and in tears of this unexpected outburst that I screamed "Fine! But don't you ever hurt my son like that again!" A resident on the road saw what happened and offered her son to play with my son to calm him down. She asked me what the hell that man was doing but I was too shocked and in tears to reply. My husband stayed quiet throughout this the whole time. In the end my fil drove off and I called for an Uber to take me and my son home. Later today my husband went to visit my dad who said to him I had an attitude problem and that he didn't like the way I told him not to touch his grandson. He didn't apologise or acknowledged any wrong doing and my husband left not knowing what to say.

I have had enough of this man. I would never wish to stop my child from seeing his grandparents but I am so angry and sad by the events of today and how he hurt my son and then denied it saying he would never intentionally hurt him, that I have told my husband my fil is no longer allowed to see our son and I don't ever want to speak to him again. I am upset with my husband too as he stayed quiet the whole time his dad was in my face screaming at me that I feel so alone and unsupported in this family. He agrees his dad was out of order but downplays his behaviour by not telling him how it made me and his son feel. My son has been crying most of the time today because he saw his grandad shout at his mum and said that he was a bad man and asking why his nonno was shouting at me. I would really love some advice right now.

There are two problems here

Your FIL and your DH.

Your FIL is very unlikely to change, his behaviour sounds ingrained. Your DH sounds cowered by his DF. Even when your son was visibly distressed and upset he was unable to step and stop the behaviour. Was this how he was treated as a child?

You need to protect your son, do you really want him to grow up thinking this type of behaviour is the norm? Your FIL maybe your son's GF, but what does he bring to his life? From what your write, he sounds an aggressive bully. Treating your son so roughly, making him cry?!!? who does that to a child??? Do not ever allow your child to be alone with him. If FIL behaves like that when you are there, how would he behave if you weren't there.

Whether your DH can stand up to his father and have a honest and frank conversation with him, only you and he know.

In your position, I would not allow FIL anywhere near my child. Your child is young, vulnerable and looks to you, his mother to look after him, step up and keep him safe.

I am being brutally honest, but this is a child, your child we are talking about.

Couldn’t agree more. Your little boy knows exactly what’s going on. “Nonno is a bad man”. I wouldn’t let him near my kid based on the racial comments alone. My MIL must be on speakerphone because of her racist comments (we are all the same race but obv. we find them unacceptable because we are not stupid jerks) and we hang up the moment she says anything offensive. No warnings. Fortunately she lives a LONG way from us. Visits are NOT an option anymore because of her offensive, divisive behaviour. She has never come close to physically hurting any of my kids. She wouldn’t dare!

Hi Chottie,

Thank you for your message. Yes my husband has told me many times how he used to get hit with a belt if he ever answered back to his dad. So although he keeps denying that he is scared of his dad in his adulthood, I feel that his actions or lack of speaks volumes.
I am so close to leaving my husband because of the fact he doesn't put his foot down and show his dislike of how his dad treats us like children. Now my son was involved, I feel ever more so worried about my future with my husband and his family going forward.
My fil is expecting an apology from me! I feel so furious that he is a misogynistic old man who can't admit if he was at wrong and especially to a woman that it further fuels my belief that what I am doing is the right thing. He also had threatened to stop looking after my son as he knows that's where his power lies in making us try to keep the peace but tonight I have calculated how much it would cost and look at budgeting to make sure we are never made to feel obliged by him. He knows my husband and I are struggling to survive each month and I obtained a full-time job offer which starts in May so I'm now having to revaluate how much childcare costs we can afford as my husband works shift work and my new job would be based in Central London.

Your FIL is on a power trip. He expects an apology and will not back down. You know in your heart of hearts that you are in the right.

If I was in your shoes, hell would freeze over before I left my DS with your FIL for one minute..... Your FIL has shown you who he is, believe him.

Regarding your finances, please look at the budget managing boards on MN. There is loads of advice there about managing and also ensuring you are aware of any benefits you may be entitled to. If you have a local Citizens Advice Bureau speak to them.

Good luck with your new job.

If you leave husband are you entitled to tax credits that will enable you to afford childcare?

You need to cut FIL off. Don't let him around your son.

Go to counselling with DH immediately. He needs to work out why he stood there and did nothing while his family were abused. You need to get on the same page about what standard of behaviour you are willing to have around your son.

i voiced my concerns...my husband's cousin had carried out an MOT and service on the car but he didn't mention the clutch having problems. (We have been using him since I've known my husband and the car always seems to get worse whenever a service has been carried out, even my sister in law refuses to have her car seen by him for this very reason)

You can cut fil out of your life and refuse to allow him contact with your son.
However - the above is the more important issue when it comes to personal safety - why the hell have neither you or your husband questioned this before?
Why do you keep on using the same person despite the evidence right in front of you?

Is you husband going to take the car back to this cousin to 'fix'?

You need to cut him off. Makes no difference what relation he is. Seek legal advice if your husband insists your son sees this abusive man and try for contact in supervised circumstances.

I cannot understand why you would ever think of leaving your DS with a man who thinks it's OK to physically assault children with a belt for "answering back"

You are his parents and you are supposed to keep him safe, not put him in the way of danger.

Cut FIL out. If DH doesn't like it then he can fuck off too. Your son has to come first here.

Personally I'd be leaving the Husband who stands by and does nothing whilst you're both being abused.

Op, does or will your father in law provide free child care for your son? Is that what your saying?