Sex dreams about my ex

[FiveGensOfLove]

Oh man, I'm all of a flutter. I genuinely don't know how to deal with this.
(have name-changed for obvious reasons)

So...I keep having intense and sexually-charged dreams about my ex. We were on/off 20 years ago and he was a bit toxic. One moment he could be absolutely lovely, intelligent and great fun. The next he was manipulative, controlling and, occasionally, mildly physically abusive (grabbing my wrist etc). But I was totally, madly in love with him.

I still feel that little, weirdly nauseous frisson when I think about him, although I haven't seen him in 12 years. We're not in touch.

I got together with my now husband as our relationship was ending, and we've been together ever since. We have children and our marriage is great, good sex life etc.

BUT

I keep having these vivid dreams about my ex. It's almost every night. I know they're only dreams. But in them, we're trying to get together again and he's clearly keen (part of his cruelty before was hiding how he felt and feigning indifference). Sometimes we kiss, always there's this yearning for more and a real sexual charge. I wake up feeling totally disorientated and - shamefully - disappointed it was only a dream.

I can't tell anyone about this IRL. But it's really starting to bother me. I've spent today in a haze, with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I feel like I really want to see him and talk to him. But that's definitely not an option. It would be too odd after all this time. And he'd most likely think I was completely bonkers.

I'm not asking anyone for a dream interpretation, as such. But any ideas why I might be feeling like this?

You sound restless - developing an itch you’re going to need to scratch. How you handle it could be very important to your life and family. If you contact him then you could be in a very slippery slope. If you don’t - then you could explore these feelings with a counsellor and maybe try to channel your restlessness into something positive with DH and family?

That’s an interesting way to look at it. I don’t feel restless, not obviously, but perhaps I am in some ways. It does really feel like an itch!
I absolutely can’t contact him - it would be too odd (from his perspective. I’d look deranged). But perhaps I need to think about why now.

I can relate to this. I have dreams about my first love about every 3 months, I was with him as a teenager for a couple of years. I am now 51, these dreams can involve sex! I wake up feeling a bit fed up with myself and cross it's happened again. I am happily married. I have had no contact with him for over 30 years yet he haunts my dreams. I think it's because he was my first love, first sexual experience and broke my heart. I don't know that you can do much about it but suspect it's to do with strength of feelings for a past love and what might have been.

Thanks for that dotty. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this too, although it’s really helpful to know I’m not alone. I think strength of feeling must be a factor. My heart was broken too by him and I was rejected and belittled by him - despite our obvious sexual attraction - so it’s maybe not so weird my dreams are overwhelmingly about reconciliation.

It makes me cross too!

Do you ever feel like you need to see him? I did some cyber stalking today and seeing pictures made me a bit

I dream about most of my exes. And my previous workplaces. It's weird. I don't think too much of it though. I have no itch to scratch, especially with a few exes, such as this weird money-obsessed guy I dated for awhile. I dream of him off and on. I so wish those dreams would go away. He was really odd when we were together. This was years ago now, but one day he had found out his mother was pregnant and called me, all flustered and concerned, and just said to me "we're pregnant." What? Was he the father or something? That was weird. He broke it off shortly thereafter.

I sometimes look exes up though to see what they are up to and sort of leave it there. I won't message them or anything. I have no interest in talking to them. Apparently my dreams must though.

Post got away from me there.

OP maybe it's just how our minds remember the past or maybe things were not left in such a way where there was much closure and the mind is trying to compensate for that in some way and does so via dreams? I've never really understood it myself either. If I had to guess, I'd think it was a lack of proper closure in the relationship's end.

I know someone who went through this. She actually went to see the guy and the dreams stopped.
Personally I think she should have left well alone as she kept it from her partner while her ex told his what was going on and caused a lot of problems between them.

I'd be inclined to think it's related to a way he made you feel badly about yourself that's creeping back in rather than it being actually about the guy himself.

I've found that sometimes a person in a dream just represents a particular feeling or time of life. I dream about my abusive ex when I feel anxious about something completely unrelated (like a job interview). I just associate him with feeling anxious, and so I may not have thought about him at all, but if I'm worried I'll end up having a dream about him. Could there be something like that for you and your ex @FiveGensOfLove? Something that's triggered something about that period in your life? May not be anything to do with him as a person!

Yes, I do cyberstalk at times ! But actually feel happy for him that he seems to have had a good marriage and career. Would never try to make contact.