I think it’s over but I don’t have the confidence to follow it through

[Frightenedbunny]

A few month ago I found out my DH had wracked up some debt. I told him it was over due to all the lies and deceit but then offered him an ultimatum of being open& transparent to tell me honestly how much debt he had and how it had evolved. Fast forward 6 weeks, he still hadn’t been forthcoming so I completed a credit search in his name. Only to find out he has 3 times the amount of debt he said he has. I feel so deceived. I know in my heart I need to tell him to leave but we have 4 children and a mortgage I couldn’t afford on my own. I would have to downsize homes and possibly change children’s schools. I just don’t have the confidence to see it through as I’m worried the kids would hate me. To add to the mix he has recently lost his job and he suffers with depression. I’m worried if i ask him to leave he would do something silly. I know that’s not my responsibility but he is still the children’s dad and they all love him dearly. I just don’t know what to do.

What a difficult situation.
I've been in the situation with someone with depression. You cannot worry about that, I stayed for the same reason and it's the worst thing you can do.
He is an adult and he's chosen to deceive you more than once. For the sake of your children you have to make a break and move on now. Financially it's scary but you will get sorted and you can't stay and think it will be ok because it won't. You can do this

Thank you. I know I need to do it but I just don’t feel like I have the strength. I’ve had one failed marriage before this and walked straight out after he deceived me. I just don’t know if I can put my children through it.

One step at a time.

It's easy to look at everything all together and to be frozen. You're stronger than you think you are. If you know in your heart that you have to end it trust your gut. Staying when you know it's not right will wear you down even more.

I told him to leave. He’s gone. Kids are distraught. They were screaming at me, pleading me to not split up with him. I feel like the worlds most selfish woman

It’s a shame that the kids were there to see it but you can’t carry on being lied to. Money is a huge problem, how can you carry on in a marriage being lied too? Being worried sick about whether the bills can be paid?
You are putting your kids first, even though they can’t see that.

They weren’t there when I asked him to leave. My eldest asked why I was upset. I told him we had had an argument and I’d asked him to leave for the night. He became hysterical shouting and pleading with me not to split up with him. Other kids came running in to all the noise. So I get to pick up all the pieces from his selfishness 😢

Thanks zofloramummy

Go. Do whatever it takes and reassess later. You'll have a clearer mind later and from a distance.

If he's The One or can actually convince you he's sorted himself out / is worth it / whatever it is he needs to convince you of, then he can do that from separated and you'll know it's right. From where you are it's too close to see.