Marriage over? Or my midlife crisis? Affair? All I know is I'm really unhappy

[AgedandConfused]

I've been on other threads, but I've name changed because I want to be completely honest.

Married for 11 yrs, 2 children. One child has ASD, husband in the middle of assessment but very likely also has ASD. It would be far too long to write everything, but essentially our marriage goes in cycles. Him treating me with ever increasing contempt (from my pov), emotional abuse (constant criticism, blame, control, coercive sex. Then I say something/say I want to leave/have enough. He gets defensive but usually then clearly makes an effort to address the things I've raised. Things are better for a bit. The it starts again.

Over the years he's said some awful things to me, which I can now see were due to his ASD anxiety (the dc also does this, a kind of lashing out, fight or flight). But they really hurt.

I'm really unhappy and have been for a while. I decided it was over, as he refused counselling. Then he's been trying hard again, best behaviour. But I'm still unhappy because I know it won't last, and if I'm really honest I don't love him (although I care about him) and don't even much like him sometimes.

Into this mix is a man I knew a long time ago, an ex. We remained friends and have been friends. Recently we met and I spille doubt all the unhappiness and crap from my marriage and having a child with ASD and how trapped I felt etc. He didn't make a move on me, but me on him. He's been very clear that he won't take advantage, and will just be friends if that is what I want. But I don't want that. I want him so much. I have a desperate need to feel wanted, attractive listened to. To have good sex (not coercive, crap sex). I'm not looking for a relationship from him. We've been messaging a lot, very explicit messages.

H cannot understand why I might still want to leave, as in his words he's been trying really hard to do the right things. He looked so sad when I said that I just didn't know.

I've been having therapy where a lot of this has been exposed as repeating patterns of abusive relationships. I feel so utterly miserable and trapped in my crappy life. Not that leaving H would solve everything. But I do feel like I'd still be happier on my own, even single forever.

But how do you know? Am I having some awful, selfish, egotistical midlife crisis? I know an emotional affair or otherwise is a dickish thing to do, I hate myself.

You sound like you have realised you want to separate. From what you desscribe you have valid reasons. Doesn't sound like mid-life crisis to me.

I'm married to an ASD man with one ASD child and one NT child and it is emotionally very draining even though we have a very good marriage and are happy together, so I can imagine how much harder it is if your DH and DS's behaviour are aggressive and belittling. I really think it would be better to cut all ties with the almost affair man. Don't cloud your judgement, and don't be turned into the bad one who was unfaithful. Leave for the right reasons, justifiable reasons, then once you are single, see if you still feel interested in your ex.

Yes I think I have. I feel like such an awful person for eating to end it though.

Do you think you're unhappy because deep down you know if you stay this is how your life will be forever? After 11 years the mask has well and truly slipped so you know your husband will never change especially if he's refusing counselling. At this point I'm sure even during the 'good' periods you don't relax because you're just waiting for him to revert to his usual self.

It doesn't have to be like this. Being unhappy is reason enough to leave. Throw in emotional abuse and coercive sex and I would say you have more than enough reason to separate. You don't need him to be on the same page as you, you have had enough, you don't love him anymore. you want to separate. That is enough.

Also I wouldn't recommend an affair, if this is someone you genuinely see yourself wanting to be with than wait till you've gone through the separation. Allow yourself some time to get your head together, if he really cares about you he'll give you that time.

I know it's hard and I'm sure you feel guilty because he's probably making you feel like its all your fault. Emotionally manipulative people are masters at turning it all around on you when he's the one behaving horribly. At the end of it all where do you see your long term happiness?

It also cant be easy for your children growing up in this environment. Is this the relationship model you want to show them? How you'd like your daughter to be treated or how you'd like your son to treat a partner? A happy mother will be more beneficial to them in the long run than you staying in an unhappy marriage. Show them that type of behaviour is unacceptable and leave if that's what's right for you.

You won’t be able to make a sound decision while you’re in an affair fog. And also - tell your DH what’s been going on, it’s not fair to make him try so hard to rescue your marriage when your deceiving him. Perhaps it will provide the make or break you need.
I wonder how long this has been going on and how much it’s impacting on your marriage?

Do you think thoughts of this other man have made your attitude to your marriage worse? From what you say, I think you should leave. Everyone has a right to be happy and you should not have to sacrifice your happiness for your DH's happiness. Notwithstanding the fact that he probably isn't happy at all anyway! Put yourself first. Also, it is not good for children to live in a house where there is a lot of friction between their parents. You are worthy of being able to live the life you want to lead - don't live the life you don't want just to please others.

The 'affair' has only been for a few weeks.
H definitely doesn't want it to be over. He couldn't believe I was still considering it, as in his eyes he's been making an effort. For me it just shows that it isn't about what he does, but how I feel.

I think the 'affair' is a symptom not a cause. I've been unhappy for a long time, and many times thought about leaving. And to begin with he was just my friend who I was able to talk to about it all. But I take on board what you are saying.

If I tell him he will turn nasty, based on other experiences (not of affairs, never been here before). He is also likely to make it publicly nasty, which I don't want for the kids. He is the kind to seriously hold a grudge and take revenge.

Just leave. There really isn’t any point staying at all

He’s abusive, so making a plan then leaving would be best.

I need to speak to a solicitor. We have a joint account, joint debt and no savings. So I need to work all that out and then I can go.

I too think you should leave your marriage. You know he’s just being nice at the money because you said you’re nated to leave. The cycle will start again soon and he will revert to type. So end your marriage then see if you still want to see this other man.
Don’t see him at the moment as it just makes your life even more confusing.

You need to end the marriage. Please end the EA too, literally sort your life out first.

You don’t need any reasons or permission to end a marriage or relationship that is making you unhappy.

However, I would take the other man out of the equation completely. It’s masking what’s going on with your marriage, making you see this man with rose tinted specs etc. You need to be properly single for a while after such a long marriage to work out who you are and what you really want.

Thanks, comments have definitely helped. A RL friend has been really pushing me to work things out, all marriages are like this etc. I wondered if I was being unreasonable.

If your friend thinks all marriages involve coerced sex, they need a divorce too.

You're done with the marriage. Find a way to end it.