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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic abuse - innocent until proven guilty?

16 replies

xo13x · 30/03/2019 13:07

So me and my partner have been together 2 years, 3 years in July. We have a 5 month old together, getting married in August and looking into buying our first home together...

Perfect right? Until mid February when there was a warrant for a arrest out on my partner. In his defence all court letters where going to his old address that his parents have since sold.

So he appeared in court for domestic abuse charges on his ex from 4 years ago. He's pleased not guilty and it's now gone to trail.

This ex is super crazy, she stalked me when I first starting dating my partner, he hadn't heard anything from her since moving to a new town.

All his family have said she ruined my partner took him for everything he had, and left him with nothing. She would lie about illnesses, pregnancies, about money all sorts. They had been together from age 18 to 21.

I've asked my partner about the allegations, he said he was arrested the day after he moved back home to his parents and hadn't heard anything since. I believe him... But

My family reckon I should leave him, don't allow him into their homes, call him a women beater, they've been awful towards him since all this. My ex even tried taking me to court for full custody of my eldest as he believes we are in danger.

My partner has never done anything to hurt me or scare me. He's the most amazing father ever, and such amazing support. I

So basically I just wanted to know what others would do? Am I still for staying I believe he didn't do anything to his ex and should stand by his side like any wife to be would.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 30/03/2019 13:12

You said his ex stalked you, what do you mean?

NotTheFordType · 30/03/2019 13:16

Bloody hekll love Bin him off!

Your family can see whats coming and so can you if you take the hormone goggles off.

Original poster
xo13x · 30/03/2019 13:18

We was living in the same town, she would constantly follow me around town, always come into my work place, constantly messaging me on facebook, we did go to the police but they said we needed evidence, we ended up moving town (2 hours away) and never heard from her since (until recently with this court case), this was nearly 3 years ago now.

OP posts:
BlueSaphire · 30/03/2019 13:19

What happened when you ex took you to court for full custody?
Did he have evidence that your partner is guilty of violence or was he just acting on what he had heard?

You have known your partner for three years, if you have no doubts whatsoever that he is NOT violent, you should trust your own instincts.
What do you actually know about his ex other than what you have been told?

wigglypiggly · 30/03/2019 13:20

I'd wait and postpone the wedding till his court case has been finalised, what do you mean he hasn't heard anything since? It's going to trial isn't it.

HirplesWithHaggis · 30/03/2019 13:22

I'd be keeping an open mind on this, because my ds' ex has also made wild allegations (hasn't resulted in prosecution, but he did almost face a weekend in clink a few months back) which are utterly untrue but impossible to prove. So while I want to repeat the "I believe you" mantra, I can't.

If he has honestly never shown any signs of abusive or coercive control towards you, especially during pregnancy and childbirth, don't shut him out. Mad exes do exist, in both sexes and all genders, though I agree it can be a red flag and understand why your family have responded as they have.

Traveler001 · 30/03/2019 13:25

What did the messages she constantly sent you on Facebook say?

LizzieSiddal · 30/03/2019 13:25

We was living in the same town, she would constantly follow me around town, always come into my work place, constantly messaging me on facebook, we did go to the police but they said we needed evidence, we ended up moving town (2 hours away)

Bloody hell that sounds awful. You’ve known him for three years, if you’ve never has a reason to doubt him then I think I’d give him the benefit if the doubt. However, I would be concerned that my family have completely cut him off and would be asking them why, it surely can’t be just on the say of his ex. I’d be asking myself and them if they’ve seen things in him that you haven’t.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 30/03/2019 13:25

It won't have got to court with no evidence, on a he said/she said. DA cases are woefully under prosecuted.

BlueSaphire · 30/03/2019 13:31

We was living in the same town, she would constantly follow me around town, always come into my work place, constantly messaging me on facebook, we did go to the police but they said we needed evidence, we ended up moving town (2 hours away)

What sort of messages?
Was she trying to warn you, or was she aggressive towards you?

Original poster
xo13x · 30/03/2019 13:31

My ex never managed to get it to court as there was no proof of anything, just my ex been influenced by my family.

All I remember about his ex is from school and always seemed like the type of girl to be off the rails, but I don't really know her to pass judgement on her, apart from her stalking me.

@wigglypiggly I meant when he was arrested 4 years ago he hadn't heard anything until he was arrested in February.

His lawyer has said these no proof, just her word against his, and there was no previous reports of domestic abuse in their relationship just this one case that from my view seems to have happened when he left her. His family have all said she was awful, and she wasn't liked by many of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
xo13x · 30/03/2019 13:36

@LizzieSiddal I've questioned my family, as I don't see how they can have an option on him when I don't see my family much, again moved 2 hours away from them... My partner is in the army so I moved to be near him.

@BlueSaphire Oh gosh, I can't remember now. It wasn't warning me, she would say things like 'you won't last, he's only with you cause your cheap' we did show the police but it wasn't threatening so they couldn't do anything about it. X

OP posts:
wigglypiggly · 30/03/2019 13:41

It all sounds quite complicated and unpleasant. Is he waiting to go to court about her allegations of abuse. Why was he arrested in February, do you know.

BlueSaphire · 30/03/2019 13:42

@BlueSaphire Oh gosh, I can't remember now. It wasn't warning me, she would say things like 'you won't last, he's only with you cause your cheap' we did show the police but it wasn't threatening so they couldn't do anything about it. X

She sounds like a jealous ex wanting to cause him as much grief as possible.
It's good that you reported her to the police at the time though, it could help him when his case goes to trial.

Why have your family decided to take her word against his?

Haffiana · 30/03/2019 13:43

I think you should stop asking him, his family, your family and MN what their opinions and versions of events are, and start finding out for yourself what exactly are the charges and what exactly is the evidence against him.

Have you yourself spoken to his lawyer? Have you offered your Facebook records and workplace reception records to his lawyer?

You can contact the relevant Police authority and ask for a disclosure under Clare's Law about what is on record as reported at the time.

Original poster
xo13x · 30/03/2019 13:58

Yes spoken to his lawyer and his record is clear.

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