Alcoholic husband

[Cantstopeatingcrisps]

So my husband is a drinker. It came to a head last summer; he was causing chaos, getting into fights, shouting at neighbours, not working, etc I got support from Alanon.He promised to stop/ to do whatever it took. He stopped for a bit but is back on it now. Most time’s he’ll say he’s at work but comes home and I can tell he’s been drinking ,he has tea then falls asleep. Sometimes he doesn’t come home and then texts asking for a lift. Which I have done a few times as I think well at least he’s made the decision to stop drinking for the night. This is usually followed by a text the next day saying “sorry I’ll be home tonight, not drinking... “blah blah blah. I’ve tried to detach with love like AlAnon say but just wonder whether I should actually pick him up? I also try not to pick a fight when he’s drinking or get mad at him but can’t help feeling this makes him thinks it’s ok. I really don’t ever remember signing up to this shit. The odd days he doesn’t drink he’s lovely and full of plans for the future.

You need to go back to Al-Anon and this time really work on setting boundaries. What do you want? Right now you are enabling him by helping him out with lifts when he gets drunk. You're letting him have everything he wants. It's time to put yourself first.

He won't stop drinking unless and until he wants to do so. While you continue to enable him, he won't want to. And it takes a lot for an alcoholic to decide to change - I know precisely two who have managed it successfully and are 10+ years sober.

Not getting angry or picking fights is OK and is better for you - but your detachment needs to go a hell of a lot further, and may well mean a separation either temporary or permanent.

My late husband was an alcoholic and all he did was get worse. I ended up having him removed from our house by police after he threatened to kill me - we were in the process of divorcing at the time. He died last summer. Be prepared - the vast majority of alcoholics get a lot worse than your H before they get better, if they get better at all.

What pointythings wrote, all of what she has written here is pertinent to your situation and you need to pay attention to such writings.

Like most posts of this type they are mainly about the alcoholic. So I am going to ask about you instead and why you choose still to remain with your alcoholic. Because you are choosing currently to stay and are doing so for your own reasons. You are still getting something out of this relationship with him so what is it?.

Alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand. What you are doing now are the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of enabler, codependent partner, provoker (because you never forget) and you are a long suffering veteran of the piece.

You are profoundly affected by his alcoholism and your own recovery from this will only properly start once you have completely removed yourself from his day to day life. Until then it won't happen and the merry go around will keep on going round. You need to step off the merry go around for good.

Hi, I'm not in a similar position but I do have experience with an Alcoholic similar to what other posters have said. Work out your boundaries and then you MUST stick to them. Honestly it's so easy for this situation to spiral out of control and unfortunately the innocent people suffer just as much as the alcoholics.

As one pp has said they tend to get far worse than better. He has to seek the help himself no amount of begging, cajoling or threatening will do it.

I know this sounds very very harsh and I am fully aware you must be having a terrible time already but I would begin to prepare for the scenario of leaving him if he gets worse. Alcoholism is an illness but you don't have to be responsible for him or his welfare.

Attila, it was you and the things you write on posts like these that gave me the strength to call time and end my marriage. I have no regrets at all. I wonder how many people you've helped, even as they thought 'nah, that isn't me' reading one of your posts - but you lit the spark of doubt.

OP, I still go to a support group for the relatives of addicts. It's because my recovery has only just begun. The same applies to my DDs. It's also because in that group, I can support people who are where I was two years ago, not by saying 'you need to leave', but by asking 'what do you want your life to be?' You really need to ask yourself that question - is this what you want your life to be? Because if the answer to that is no, then scary as it is, you are the one who has to act. He won't.

Thankyou so much for your responses. I have tried every which way to deal with it. I realise that he won’t suddenly stop and that I need to figure out what I get from the relationship. In the meantime, I will let him know what’s not acceptable.

None of what you have tried to date has worked, it was always thus.
Do indeed think about what you are getting from this relationship, you must be getting something from it and I am wondering whether you are codependent.

Talking to him now about what is not acceptable could be a complete waste of time. You would be better off expending your energies on attending Al-anon meetings and seeking legal advice with a view to ending your marriage. You can only help your own self ultimately here.

His primary relationship is with alcohol, its not with you and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

Letting him know what is and isn't acceptable is futile unless you are prepared to put consequences in place. That is where having strong boundaries is essential. What will you do if he does something you have told him is unacceptable? That is the question you need to answer. If the answer is 'nothing', then you don't have your boundaries in place.

It's hard. I won't lie to you. It took me years to come out of codependency. with hindsight I had my 'shit, this is it' moment 2 years before I actually did anything - because I didn't want to leave my DDs without a father, because I was afraid to go it alone, because I remembered the man he used to be. I am slowly learning to stop blaming myself for leaving myself and my girls in that situation for 2 years before I found the strength to say 'enough'.

Chances are you are still at the stage where you are hoping it isn't that bad, that he'll realise what he has to lose, where you think you can't do it alone. I hope you move on faster than I did.

Wrong thread, Ford?

In the meantime, I will let him know what’s not acceptable.

Actions speak louder than words. If you continue to collect him when he’s out drinking then your actions will undermine your words.

Your H is an alcoholic, that’s his mistress and she comes first. I get the rationale behind some of your actions but they only serve to protect him from the consequences of his choices.

The price for staying in a relationship with this man is him prioritising alcohol above all else.

Oh god, so sorry, will ask MN to delete

@Cantstopeatingcrisps I'm in a similar position. I'm divorcing my alcoholic H after too many years wasted pinning my hopes on what he may or may not do. Please go back to Al-anon. The further along our divorce gets the more of the alcoholic psyche comes out and he is being utterly vile.

His number one priority is the booze and you can't change that for him. But you can change your life. Good luck

Best think is not to enable in any way that includes picking him up. Don't engage at all with him when he's drinking and in fact if it's just the occasional day he's sober you're better off setting up some major boundaries. Because we end up rewarding them for being sober for a day by giving them attention when in fact they don't deserve it. Keep going to meetings and if you can get one on one support or a sponser that'd be great for you so you can make a plan of action

You deserve more than a man who puts his drinking and his own needs before yours. He will never change unless he want to so nothing you can do will change this situation. Unless you leave him