Relationship help

[bailey44]

My partner of 8 years has finished things saying he loves me, but he is not in love with me and he does want things to work but right now he’s unhappy and doesn’t even want to come home let alone cuddle me.

Last summer he was cheating on me including inside our house but I decided to move on however has been difficult due to my isecurities. He has been away mon-fri working for the last 2 weeks and now it is over. He is saying he hasn’t been happy for a long time because he feels like I have stopped him doing things which I know it’s wrong and I do get funny when he goes out because I don’t feel secure and have caught him texting girls inappropriately on numerous occasions.
I hate myself I can’t bare the thought of my life without him. I love eveything about him, his family, our house eveything we do together and I can’t see a way forward. My friends say you deserve better u will be okay but I don’t want to be okay without him in my life.

May I ask how old you are?. Your friends are right. you will be okay and you do deserve better. Question is why you do not believe them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your mother get treated like this?.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here?. He has already cheated on you once, has repeatedly messaged other women and is now saying the classic cheaters script to you. He has not interest whatsoever in making it work, he is taking you for a right mug and sadly at present you are letting him do this to you.

Why can you not let him go, why are you clinging onto him so and demeaning yourself further in the process?. Why do you not believe that you could not bare the thought of life without him?. He is a cheat and someone who does not have superhuman powers over you. But you give him all the power here by still saying you love everything about him; why?. Why are his needs here more important than yours, are you codependent when it comes to relationships?

I’m 29 this year. We have a mortgage together. I don’t know why I can’t believe them. All I want right now is to be with him.

My dad left when I was 2 and from what I heard he wasn’t very nice. My mums next long term partner left after 7 years and married someone else pretty much straight away.

I just keep thinking it’s not his fault his feelings have changed towards me and that’s it is my fault for constantly moaning. I don’t know anything right accept I would do anything and I don’t want to walk away from all of our memories and his family and our house.

He says he cheated because he wasn’t happy which I know doesn’t make it okay but I can’t bare the thought of him finding someone else and being really happy when I couldn’t do that.

Sounds like there is someone else. You can't depend on other people for your happiness, I'm not having a go at you, I learnt this the hard way a few years ago.

My partner cheated and I would have tried to make it work but after counselling and a lot of thought I realised I am worth more than that, you set the bar and don't allow people to treat you that way. Happiness can only come from within because anyone can do anything, you can never truly know what will happen. Find out what you love doing, helping others, study, your job. Forge friendships and make sure your life is good even if you don't have a partner because if you put everything in them it will break you if they leave or cheat or hurt you.

The lines he is giving you does sound like he is probably cheating. If you are able to go no contact, write a last letter or email if you want to get anything off your chest and then block if that is practical for you. It's the best way to move forward. Then focus all your energy on you and healing.

Good luck

Just read you new post, you're right people's feelings can change but cheating and betraying is a choice and you can make the right choice and communicate or walk away. There is no need to cheat, it is very selfish and immature. You are blaming everything on yourself. It's his fault if his way to deal with an issue is to cheat, not yours. You can't make someone happy.

Prioritising someone who treats you as an option never ends well. The price for staying in this relationship is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and it will almost certainly always will.

I understand the fear and desperation but it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t respect you and if you think living without him will be hard, staying, will destroy what’s left of your self worth.

You have

Thank you for all your replies. I don’t know how to move forward here. I’m devastated and miss him so much already.