Should I leave the country with DH and DCs?

[NotFreidaPinto]

I have 3 DCs 6-12 years old, they go to a local school, which is not great, and they don't like it. DH has been given the opportunity to move to Austria, it will be a permanent move, as long as he keeps the job. The kids would go to a lovely international school, all funded by the company, as well as house move etc.

DCs are excited, and would love to go, I am unsure, DCs keep saying they want to live all together with their mum and dad, rather than dh commuting, which he has done for a number of years about 50% of the time.

I would not be able to work there (have had a very good career), we would live in a small city, and I don't speak the language.

I have started to think a lot about my relationship since this offer came up. I 'think' I no longer feel in love with dh, he loves me dearly, I am constantly finding fault with him, we have not DTD for nearly two years. Though he's good with DCs I am unsatisfied with so many aspects of his behaviour (very untidy, disorganised, not attracted to him) and personality, examples:

I will say I stubbed my toe, it's bleeding, he responds with nothing, instead will say something random about his work. FFS.

He is a very quiet person introverted, who's mind is always preoccupied with something or another, I am the opposite, I will literally start talking to the old lady at the bus stop. He does not speak to me much, about anything interesting.

He shows little interest in what I do, will ask how my day is but then when I say anything he says nothing more, but will give great detail about bring stuff to do with his job.

If I go to visit friends for the weekend, when I return he will never ask what we did, where we went etc. He doesn't remember things about me, he could not tell you where I went to University, or the places I have lived. I remember all of his.

I could go on and on, I know some of these things sound petty, but my feelings are dead. But then I will have a day where I feel differently, feel like I love him, but still do not want him anywhere near me.

We have talked about this, he is committed to making it work, and thinks a move and new adventure could help us. I am not so sure. Should I go and try it at least, or not go at all…

What exactly would you be trying? A bad marriage in a foreign country with no job !

Blimey. He doesn’t know where you went to university?? So if me, a stranger, asked him about what you, what would he tell me? It sounds like he’s only interested in himself really. I wouldn’t stay with a guy like that. What a lonely life and even lonelier in a foreign city!

It probably depends where you would be based. As long as it is a major city you will have access to German lessons , expat community and flights back. Also make sure healthcare etc are covered in case of brexit. Atm you should be able to work without a permit. Just bear in mind if things don't work out you need to return your eldest into UK education by year 9/10 for gcses or stay longer.

You don’t want to be with him. How would that be different in another country?

Expat living is hard work on relationships.
You have all the stresses of home, and need to add in the difficulties of navigating a system you don't know, in a language you are not fluent in.
If you are not secure in your marriage, DON'T GO. And I say this as someone who has given up her career, and moved round the world with DH.

I would not go. Sounds like you are past the point of no return if you no longer find him attractive, and he annoys you.

How curiously convenient for him that this opportunity to move you to a country where you have no friends, no family, can't speak the language, can't work, comes up right when you've about had enough of this horrendous non-marriage?

It's no coincidence. This move will make you totally dependent on him. Stop you from leaving. If you attempt to return to the UK, the children will have to remain in Austria. Which means...you're stuck there, with him, no matter what he does, you're stuck.

Don't do it.

With the language barrier no way would I go with my marriage in that state.

We moved to a European country when my children were about the same ages as yours. They went to an international school which we had to pay for ourselves - massive fees so if you get yours in for free then lucky ol' you. They loved their school and even now some years later speak very fondly of their time there. In the holidays or at Christmas their friends come from all parts of the world for meet ups. It would be a great opportunity for them.

Most people in Austria speak English and in the largish towns there are many English people there so your social life should not be a problem.

The state of your marriage is something else of course....

You are mad for even thinking about it. Just think about it, having to rely on someone who isn’t very interested in you for conversation and having no network or language skills to escape from him.

I think you need to accept that this is who he is and there isn’t a different more attractive/ interesting version of him waiting around the corner. Him being away so frequently is probably why you’ve stayed married for this long. The chances are a move would shine a bright light on your marriage and all its unsatisfying elements.

Use this opportunity to start planning a happier future not sleepwalk into a situation that would make you miserable.

This isn't going to be a popular view but men often get so engrossed in the "providing for a family " that they lose their way . They think money is the be all and end all . You say he has been commuting for years . This kind of thing takes its toll on a relationship too . You drift apart ( been here and done that ) Do you think he has become too absorbed by work ?