Need help with a situation kids and possible emotional abuse

[Hubblebubble23]

Can anyone help me please? I met a man 4 years ago. He is the father to my 2 kids but not my eldest. But all 3 know him as dad as they are very young. I moved in with him and it's his house. He has a quick temper and says a lot of horrible things. He even shouts at the kids. He is good with them but very controlling too. He has come to my face in the past never hit me. Yesterday I had enough even though he is nice sometimes I've been called names and threatened if I don't like how he disciplined kids I can leave. He has said this always. I went to citizens advice and tried to get emergency housing as I feel I'm going mad. He says he is taking the boys and already called his elderly mum. He is being unreasonable. I can't talk to him at all and reason with him it ends in tears for me and he laughs or says look at me who would want me. Why did I pick council trash. I'm a hard working woman and never asked for anything I fell in love because he was so nice to me. He has already said He will win custody of my 2 kids with him. I'm not sure what to do? I've asked him to sort it between us but he is getting a couple if his members involved. I haven't worked in 4 years and looked after the kids and house. I'm in a mess at the moment as my eldest is old enough to understand something isn't right as he told me to leave asap and pack but isn't kicking me out. I have no family here or close friends well friends but not enough at this stage to confide. He says if I go to court because he will not reason with me about custody he will annihalate me? Whatever that means. He has an angry bitter past from what I'm hearing. I'm so alone. I've always begged and said sorry even though I'm not even sure what I've done. I'm not perfect and never have been but I don't know anymore what's real or not. It's early today and I haven't slept. I have no money except tax old credits which I've always contributed to food and a couple of bills. I have nothing to even put a deposit down and get out at the moment. There is much more to this involving his family but not sure how to deal with this at all. My family live far so if I go he has the 2 kids and get his family on board and he has told me knows very powerful people which is what I think he wants. I'm stuck really am. He has been good but there have been times I'm walking on eggs shells. I have been told he has bullied and intimidated previous people too again I don't know I've just heard this. I want us to come to an agreement that's all. What happens in these situations ? Please help.

OP you need to get out of there...first ring womens aid...0808 2000 247...24 hrs a day...they will help you and guide you. The threats of him having custody of the kids are utter rubbish...it wont happen,he is only doing it to frighten you I promise ...the legal system doesnt work like that...it does what is best for the kids not what is best for who shouts the loudest! Ring or google Womens Aid for a chat...see where you can stand and see what you need to access help for you and the kids....go on you can do this....it may look terrible now but with the right support you and the kids can be free of this man and start to rebuild your lives in peace...its a rocky road but well worth it ...

I’m so sorry. I wish I knew more so I could help you. When I got divorced my solicitor told me that courts prefer parenting to be kept as close to what the children are used to as possible so if you are the one at home full time with them I can’t see them giving him sole residency etc but I really am no expert. Try Women’s aid as they help people who are in abusive situations. It sounds like you aren’t married? So you don’t have to deal with a divorce? I can only say what I would do and that is take the children and go home to my family and start over. I would also start a written record (that he can’t find/access) of all of his threats etc and the times he has been controlling or abusive. Try to access some legal advice about contact arrangements. It’s awful when someone makes you feel like you are going mad. You are allowed to finish a relationship anytime you want to for any reason and you don’t need his permission. I say this because I know how people like him ‘condition’ partners to do whatever they say. I hope you are ok 💐

Please call the police if he threatens you. Start to get a record of his abuse. Call Women’s aid too.
Can you get hold of important documents? Passports, birth certificates etc.
can you take the kids
To go stay with family to make a fresh start?

He sounds like a horrible bully who is spouting a lot of hot air. I doubt he has friends in power who would help him. Especially if there is a history or recorded threats with the police.

Please stay safe. If you are planning on leaving, don’t let him get wind of what you are doing. I’d be tempted to let police know you are trying to leave too

Stop talking to him about your plans.
Can you safely go to your parents with the children? As PP said if you or the children are threatened at any time call the police.

Definitely call womens aid, they can help you. Can you do a Clares law application to your local police station? It will tell you if he has any previous for domestic abuse or violence and it may make you feel stronger and more in control if you know authorities are already aware of his behaviour.
Do you know where all the documents are? Also can you hide some money away, doesn't have to be enough for a deposit as there are organisations that can help with housing.
Are your family abroad and thats why you can't take the children?

Thanks for the reply. I'm not abroad but can't say where I am but it involves getting more than a car or train to reach my family at the moment. Its very difficult situation. He shouted at my son again he isn't even 2 and I said I will take him calm him down and he said don't you tell me what to do anymore. He said for me to die of cancer and my family are losers. You can't talk to him he resorts to horrible things and I get left in tears. I need to get out but don't know where to go? And if I take his 2 kids he will get angry. I've been told he has a conviction and although he is never violent physically he enjoys watching it and talking of when he beat someone up. I used go chalk it up with silly man stuff but truthfully and honestly it should have been a red flag. He has gotten worse and worse. Maybe I'm talking back and should shut up but we have kids and I'm allowed to say something? When he disciplines the kids he says if you don't like it leave. He has said this over and over and over the 2 years we lived here so I have no say anyway ? I've never told him what to do just tried to reason with him.

He is emotionally abusive, using his stories of beating up people to control you. You are allowed to ask someone else to stop yelling/abusing your child. That is what a good parent does! He is two! He doesn’t need verbal abuse thrown at him regularly.

Please, call woman’s aid, the local police domestic violence line. You need to get out safely. You need to take the children with you. They need to be away from this vile man.

Are you married? Is the house his? Yours? Jointly owned or rented? I am guessing due to his abuse you have no friends or family nearby by design.

You need to get a all birth certificates and passports for yourself and all children in a safeplace for your escape. Also, copies of all financial status, bank accounts, savings, pensions etc. Know where you are at for CMS or more depending on your legal status.

Get your get out plan together and then one day when he is at work, run! Run like you have never before. Try and have a bag packed for everyone with some basics. Either hide somewhere or keep in the trunk of your car if you have on.

Before this point if you have any valuables or anything you think you can’t live without, ie antiques from grandma etc, take out a storage locker and slowly over a week put it in there. Small stuff, do the same for important paper work if you have no where else to put it. Nothing to noticeable. Or come up with a plausible repair story, getting it refinished.

Do not talk about leaving. Just settle back in as if everything is ok. Try and keep the peace. Talk about going to counseling. Leaving is one of the scariest time of a person in an abusive relationship. Be careful!

Once you have left, call the local police and advise them that you have left due to abuse. That you are going to your family for safety. Please don’t tell ex. Why do this step you ask!!! Because he seems the type to report you missing with your children.

As soon as you get to your destination, if it’s allowe/legal go to the courts and try and obtain an emergency order against him for no contact and for emergency custody of your children due to abuse.

Call the police. He seems a psychopath. Please be safe and take your kids out of there. They will grow up to be dicks like him...