Stay for the sake of DD?

[voxnihili]

DP and I have been together for nearly 8 years and have a 7 month old DD. We generally get on very well but there is no intimacy and I'm struggling. Sex has always been an issue but there was always some. Now there is nothing and hasn't been for almost a year.

DP is fed up of me bringing it up (maybe once every couple of weeks) and says I'm like a stuck record. He has no idea that I lay in bed crying night after night when he's just rolled over. He does shift work so I've always just let it go - it doesn't seem to affect me as much when he's not here. This week he's been off work and there's still nothing. It's eating away at every bit of my self-esteem.

Part of me wants to leave. I'm so unhappy with it but I feel so selfish because of DD to leave just because of sex. DP adores DD and is great with her.

For context, DP and I have a very high income. He is the higher earner but we're fairly well matched. Together, DD has a lovely home and garden, holidays and the possibility of private schooling in the future. On my own, my income would only cover rent (on a 1 bedroom flat) and nursery fees. I'd be completely reliant on child maintenance for other bills and food. DD's life would be significantly different from what it is now.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should just suck it up for DD's sake but how do I get over feeling like this?

Thanks

You only need to give yourself permission to leave. Your feelings here are valid and he for his own reasons is not listening or actually wants to listen.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, would you want her to remain in a relationship like this?. What are you two now to each other?. You matter as well here. If there is no intimacy then what is the point of you and he being together at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Presumably as well he has never wanted to actually address either to himself or to you why this relationship is where it is now. He is being particularly unfair now too by continuously refusing to talk but merely saying you're a stuck record. Do not put up with this because it will simply eat away at you and go onto affect all other aspects of your life.

You cannot stay because of your child or because of some future potential lifestyle you want to provide for her. She should not be the glue or used as such to bind you and he together and she won't say thanks mum to you for doing that to her. Do not be that afraid of change that you would actually use her as the sole reason to stay with her dad. She would rather have two parents effectively co-parenting her apart and happier than to see both her parents locked in their own miseries. We learn after all about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Personally I would give it a bit longer. Maybe try and have the discussion again or if this is too difficult then write a letter and ask him to read it. With these discussions you need to be careful to not apportion blame.

The worrying thing for me in your post is that “sex has always been an issue” this bugs the question why you chose to continue with the relationship and have a baby with someone who may always have an issue with sex. It sounds to me like he has a very low sex drive if it has always been the issue or you two are just not sexually compatible. A lot of couples drift into relationships and the sex is a bit Meh but they then continue with it anyway as they have fallen in love and don’t want to take the brave step. When you connect with someone sexually you really know about it.sex becomes top of your priority list. I have had partners where sex has been mediocre and I don’t think it was anything to do with technique or anything. More a case of a lack of sexual chemistry. I’ve had others where the sex has been absolutely mind blowing.

As I am older now, I would actually choose the latter in life and work with the other areas as often sexual chemistry does not lead to compatibility in other areas.

Good sex makes people happy in general. What you have makes people unhappy and chips away at self esteem. I’d give it 6 months and try to address things first though.

Thanks for the replies.

I probably should have mentioned in my OP that DP has erectile dysfunction. That's probably a massive drip feed - I just completely forgot to mention it. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships before where the sex was great so always told myself that the lack of sex was ok as I was treated well otherwise. It also made bringing it up tricky as loading on the pressure didn't help.

The situation hasn't been helped by TTC - I have fertility issues so we had 2 years of sex to a schedule. In that time we also suffered a miscarriage so once I became pregnant again we stopped having sex - I think DP was scared of causing another mc.

Maybe I should have left years ago but I have no regrets as I have an amazing DD who is loved and well cared for by both of us. I do worry about how staying together might affect her but seeing as we wouldn't talk about our sex life in front of her, her male role model would be someone who shares the load 50-50 around the house. Other than the sex issue we're generally very happy which is why I'm so conflicted.

If sex has always been a problem and you've not found a way through it by now, it does sadly sound like the writing is on the wall.

I think it's ultimatum time and cards on the table. You perhaps don't need a magic wand, but a commitment to improvement. If he can't agree to that, please don't sacrifice your own spiritual wellbeing.

What SkinnyPete wrote,

An ultimatum should not be issued unless you are fully prepared to see that through. If you are not, then it is no point in issuing one. Also such things can only be issued once.

Your unhappiness re sex (and what is the root cause/s of his erectile dysfunction; has porn played a part here?. Has this been addressed medically or even psychologically through seeking help from the GP) will in all likelihood spill over into all other aspects of your relationship and the resentment you feel now will increase. He's more than fed up with you mentioning it every couple of weeks and describes you then as a stuck record. This also sounds like someone who is happy in his own way as things are and does not want to change.

Your child will pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your child; that you really stayed because of her?. That is no legacy to leave her, surely you would want to teach her positive relationship lessons.

Have you considered opening up your marriage? Or having someone else on the side to fulfil your needs?

VirtuallyConfused you genuinely are aren't you? FFS its not even easter holidays yet!