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Original poster

Dating whilst divorcing

24 replies

Youreadthebabybooks · 29/03/2019 06:17

Hi all

What are the rules on dating whilst going through the divorce process
I’m a few months off having decree nisci and absolute
I’m divorcing Him for unreasonable behaviour and we don’t live together but have a child together
Can I date as in go for dinner or day out with a man or do I have to wait until decree absolute ?
Thanks

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 29/03/2019 07:24

I don’t understand why you feel the need to ask this.

You are your own woman, you can date, you can have sex, you can have a night away, if child care is in place.

Enjoy your new freedom! x

MumsyJ · 29/03/2019 08:15

Oh my goodness OP, by all means please date and be happy.

You're separated and in the process of a divorce. If the divorce had taken 10 years to finalise, would you have waited the entire 10 years before living your life?

You have my blessing... Enjoy your dates and if at some point it leads to sex, go for it and hello freedom 🥂🙂

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/03/2019 08:17

I haven’t even started the divorce proceeding yet but have been separated over a year and have been dating on and off for a while!
I refuse to let me marriage to my ex dictate my life after I found him cheating on me.
Go for it and have a great time!

crimsonlake · 29/03/2019 08:23

It is not just about the paper work although legally you are still married. There is nothing to stop you at all, but you really need to ask yourself if you are emotionally ready, are you completely over the hell and anguish of the divorce process? Are you in a good place, do you feel ready and strong enough to start a new relationship. This is not just to protect yourself as you still might be feeling vulnerable, but to protect anyone who you may meet and a little way in you might decide you are not ready.

BitchQueen90 · 29/03/2019 09:20

You are allowed to date of course!

But personally having been through a divorce myself I'd say keep it light and fun for now and don't jump into anything serious.

Original poster
Youreadthebabybooks · 29/03/2019 16:46

It was more that can ex claim adultery if I go out with someone else ?

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 29/03/2019 16:52

Ex can "claim" anything he likes. Adultery is spectacularly hard to prove and tbh doesnt make any difference in divorces these days. Also strictly speaking, adultery refers to sex. Dinner dates and days out are NOT the same as sex.

How would your ex even know if you are dating or sleeping with other people? How long have you been separated?

Original poster
Youreadthebabybooks · 29/03/2019 20:22

Separated for two months
Ok that is good to know I just don’t want to do anything “wrong”
He wouldn’t know anyway unless he hired a PI I guess xx

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 29/03/2019 20:48

Who is filing for divorce? Might be sensible to wait for nisi.

2 months is no time at all, often a new relationship is a distraction but reality has to kick in.

Is it an amicable split?

KylieKoKo · 29/03/2019 22:07

A lot of people don't even split up with their partner but retrospectively claim their marriage was over. Go for it you only have one life.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/03/2019 23:17

Divorces aren't punitive, so even if your STBXH had cast iron proof of your adultery, it wouldn't affect the way your assets were divided by the judge.

You are living separately, the divorce is in progress - it is perfectly acceptable for you to date. You can decide if you're ready and how serious you want things to get.

(hypocrite alert : if the OP was dating a man who wasn't divorced yet, I would tell her to not go near him with a ten foot pole, until his decree absolute was through Grin)

1PairOfHands · 30/03/2019 00:17

I hope you don't mind me offering my thoughts, as being male myself, I would hope my perspective may help?
From the moment you actually separated neither of you has the right to judge or restrict what happens in each others private life. In the real world it often doesn't always work like that. If your marriage broke down because he cheated, then what right does your ExOH have to ask any questions regarding your personal life?
If questions are asked, be polite and let it be known that its none of his business anymore.
Be prepared for people/friends gossiping behind your back or eager to tell you what your ExOH is up to.
IMO the most important thing you need to get sorted is agreeing on whats best for your child, with regards to custody and access.
A long time ago now, when our son was young and my wife and I separated, the best thing we did was talk. We managed to move past the whole custody issue and finally agreed that the best place for a child is to be with his mum. We also agreed that I could have access, as long as it was reasonable, whenever I wanted with equal custody. Luckily we managed to never use him as a pawn when we argued about everything else. Believe me we argued a lot at the beginning!!
If its still very hostile between both of you, my advice is to work through things best you can but keep it at arms length. Your child is the most important thing in the world and needs a mum and a dad.
Hope that makes sense and helps in some way?
Hope it all works out for the best.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2019 00:58

The divorce is in progress and unless he has proof of you having sexual intercourse with a man...he can't claim adultery.

Original poster
Youreadthebabybooks · 30/03/2019 06:12

I’m filing for divorce on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour
We don’t talk at all
He doesn’t see our dd at all
I would definitely be discreet tho especially when divorce is still going through xx

OP posts:
piethagoras · 30/03/2019 09:05

If you've only been separated for 2 months then you are relying on him agreeing with your claims about his behaviour. Have you had that discussion? If he doesn't accept, then it could get messy, and expensive.

PussGirl · 30/03/2019 09:34

You need to make sure there is no evidence of you cohabiting with someone as that might affect your divorce settlement.

If he tries to divorce you on the grounds of adultery, it is just a paper exercise - your boyfriend wouldn't be named in court or anything like that.

The main reason for keeping any new relationship quiet is that as long as you are divorcing him, then you get to drive the process, regarding timings, deadlines etc.

If he managed to start divorcing you, then he would be more in control & could faff about causing unnecessary delay.

Original poster
Youreadthebabybooks · 30/03/2019 09:38

He has a court case and that’s the basis of the unreasonable behaviour so he doesn’t have to agree in principle there is enough evidence
I don’t have a boyfriend or would ever cohabit for foreseeable i will only ever gonfor dinner or drinks or maybe a night away at the max in a few months time
Just don’t want to screw it up so it’s as straight forward as is can be and therefore takes less time and is cheaper !

OP posts:
PussGirl · 30/03/2019 09:43

Have you managed to scrape together as much evidence of unreasonableness as possible? My list ran to several pages Shock

I don't think you have a problem regarding the dating you are doing, really.

Hope it goes as smoothly as possible Smile

piethagoras · 30/03/2019 09:57

Unless you want to fight a contested divorce in court, he does have to agree. A divorce isn't yours on demand. Have you talked to him about it? Served papers?

boxlikeamarchhare · 30/03/2019 10:02

Dating is fine OP. I am newly separated and whilst dating is the last thing on my agenda I am aware that H has been online dating since week 2. I wish him luck (I wish the women more luck).

LellyMcKelly · 30/03/2019 10:10

You shouldn’t even need to think about this. You are a grown woman. You can do what you want with whomever you want. Let the judgers judge. It’s 10 minutes they’re not judging other people.

Original poster
Youreadthebabybooks · 30/03/2019 12:17

I know I’m a grown woman but I’ve never been through a divorce before so that’s why I am asking
This is a very stressful time and it’s ok to sit there and say I shouldn’t even ask but how am I supposed to know

Anyway to those being helpful I don’t have any evidence the police have it all so whilst he doesn’t have to agree to it when he is convicted it’s orettt hard to contest it

OP posts:
adaline · 30/03/2019 13:09

Of course you can do what you want but I wouldn't date anyone who was still married to someone else. It makes things very messy in my experience and can cause a lot of unnecessary angst.

Boulezvous · 30/03/2019 19:04

Thee is no reason at all why you can't date or have a relationship. Even if he found out or had evidence it would make no difference. Even if he accused you of adultery it would make no difference to anything as we have a no blame divorce system. And since you are not planning to co-habit there is no harm in it.

Waiting to be fully divorced is of no benefit - some people take years to resolve theirs.

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