I don't think I can be supportive to DP anymore

[Suspiciousmind007]

He is really very lovely. He's loving, kind, gorgeous, wonderful with my DD. We've always had a really supportive relationship, that's always been the great thing about us, how we just support each other, never blame, have complete faith.

But the last few years (pretty much since he moved in) have been really hard. There's been a lot of money worries. I used to have more money so it didn't matter that he wasn't earning that much with his new business.

But my circumstances changed - mum got cancer, lost a major client, business partner emigrated. My earnings went down a lot so I couldn't pick up the slack anymore.

We moved to a smaller house, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. DP's business had so many ups and downs. We had to lend a lot of money off my family before Christmas. For the first time in my life, I had depression. There was just so much stress.

But the last couple of months, things have really been looking up. I feeling well again, I'm working on losing the weight I gained when I was unwell. My work is picking up, I'm positive about it again. I'm getting paid next week and for the first time in I don't know how long there was going to be enough for a haircut! I was going to treat DD to some new clothes as we are going away with family next week.

It's also my birthday and DP talked of finally getting my engagement ring (not an expensive one obviously). It was just all getting really lovely again.

Monday night, DP came home and told me he's been slapped with a big bill. I have no idea how he didn't know it was coming. His restaurant's also had the worst week ever.

So now next week, I have to pay all the rent and all the bills again. All of those nice things are out of the window. I've bought all the food and paid a bill this week and as I was waiting for a payday, I was running low anyway, I now have £18 to last me until Tuesday. He has nothing. I used to have savings and a £1,000 buffer zone to cover emergencies.

When we go away, everyone else will be having fun, but we'll be skint. Again. DP is depressed and stressed and worried and sad and I should be supporting him. He was so good when I was ill.

But I don't feel supportive. I want him to quit, sell up. I don't think it's viable anymore.

I'm just so sick of worrying and not being able to enjoy anything. I've been sat here wondering whether me and DD would have been better off if he never moved in. Or if we move out now? Less stress.

I must sound like such a superficial cow. What do you do when you love someone but you just feel like life is always going to be hard with them? We've already decided that we are never going to be in a position to have another child as we are never going to afford it. That was devastating. I just feel like I am always going to have to be the one picking up the slack.

Am I being completely unreasonable to be feeling like this? How should I be being?

I can sympathize my husbands just lost his 5th job in 5 years while we’re stretched trying to pay down debt before trying to save for a mortgage before we’re too old. I’m having exactly the same feelings as you right now and I’m just bubbling over with resentment and anger as well as disappointment. I feel like my dream of owning my own home has been snatched away from me and I’ve finally realized I cant ever depend on him to be responsible financially. It’s a tough time

OP, I think you should tell him that you aren't going to bail him out any more. It sounds as if you're right, and his business is not viable. By bailing him out all the time, you are enabling something that just isn't working.

It may be that the best thing is for you to move out. There is no reason why you couldn't continue to have a relationship - just remove yourself from anything to do with his finances. Perhaps that would be the thing that made him face reality.

Good luck. It's a sad situation.

for you @glitterpixie

Snap about the dreams of house owning. A few years ago we were talking houses and babies. It's just never going to happen.

When we talk about these things, he says he doesn't care about things like that because he's never been so happy because he has us. I used to feel the same but the last few days I've started feeling like maybe that's not true. Maybe what I really need to be happy is to regain control of my own finances and live a simple life with just me and DD. No stress.

As things have gone downhill since he moved in with you, you used to have money and didn't mind picking up the slack, you've had some terrible things happen to you and well done for coming through that.
If I were you I'd move out with your daughter, I'm assuming that your DP is not her father. It appears that your life was easier when he didn't live with you.
I understand that you want to be supportive to him but sometimes you really do have to think of yourself first
Also because I'm very cynical I would be thinking that it's a bit too convenient that a big bill has just appeared for him when your business and prospects have started picking up. So effectively he'll be living off you again.
Restaurants do go through lean times and the last week of the month before payday can be a very lean time
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your daughter needs stability and it doesn't sound as though you can provide that while you are subsidising him

I actually think you have been supportive all this time. He needs to hear the truth whether he likes it or not it isn't fair on any of you x

I should learn to type faster. I also agree with Time40
You can continue a relationship with him but don't live together.

It sounds like you have both been supportive towards each other, no one here is a villain or to blame. But you need to have an honest conversation and tell him how you are feeling, this will give you better perspective than we as strangers can

I have the reverse of you, I use to be the main bread winner and went from that to relying on benefits and my partner who was a bit flaky has gone on to support our family

The one thing that stood out for me was this

But my circumstances changed - mum got cancer, lost a major client, business partner emigrated. My earnings went down a lot so I couldn't pick up the slack anymore.

These things would have happened with or without him, you might be associating with him moving him whether you mean to or not.

Op I feel for you as we were in a somewhat similar boat.
DH got made redundant several years ago and couldn’t find another job so in the end decided to start his own business. He loved it as he got to basically pursue his hobby all day long, but his income was very low and unreliable. I was the main breadwinner and we were constantly skint. It was awful, I was constantly stressed and worried sick. My family bailed us out numerous times, like when our car broke down and needed replacing and we just couldn’t afford it.
In the end it put a huge strain on our marriage because I resented DH so much for not jacking in his business and looking for steady employment again. We spoke about it numerous times but the message of how much pressure I felt under never seemed to get through to him. In the end I knew I had to make him understand, or our marriage would have been over. I sat him down and explained how his reluctance to give up his business was slowly tainting all my feelings for him and that it made me question what kind of man I had married, who would put his own happiness before that if his wife and kids. And that if things didn’t change I would walk. I 100% meant it and he knew I did. To his credit, he started job hunting almost immediately. It took him 6 months but he got there. He has had a steady job for about 18 months now and life is so much better for all of us.
What I am trying to say is: you need to talk to him and be completely honest. Based on that, let him make a choice, and you can then make your own choice depending on his decision. If he doesn’t listen to you, leave. You need to, for the sake of your happiness and that of your DD.
Good luck

Is your partner realistic about finances or is he delusional/head in the sand?

Does he find solutions or is it always you? I think if he can't contribute his share on a regular basis then he has to face his responsibilities.

The saying is "you dont solve money problems with money" the theory being that it is caused by behaviours, patterns and lack of planning. If he is consistently falling behind he needs to evaluate what isn't working.

It really, really sucks OP i was in a very similar situation. I spent 5yrs trying to drum it into mine that we were never going to be able to have a house or more children. He stuck his head in the sand, refused to change or get a job and let me walk rather than give up his business, which supports him but no one else. He says he regrets it now.

I'm still super angry and have told him that a year later i feel like i'll be bitter til i did over it. On the face of it things are much better for me - life and DD are secure, im laying down savings, have plenty of work and renting a gorgeous place in my favourite location. But im still bitter, its all a second best scenario :(

I was also married to someone who was financially chaotic. So much more peaceful now we’re divorced and the joint account he constantly emptied doesn’t exist anymore.

By paying his bills you are effectively investing in his business - and presumably his bank is no longer willing to? It's no good him just being happy with no money, as he has you to bail him out. And you aren't happy!

If you don't think his business is viable then basically you are throwing away your investment - if your future is together then you could argue that its a waste of money that could be going into your joint futures. He needs to sort this out with a bank or accountant(and accept what they say) not just come running to you.

You can be supportive,but not by beggaring yourself.

When he says he doesn’t care about things like more children and a house, is that just a cop-out way of saying ‘I can’t focus on that because it’s too hard’?

In short, is he a bit shit with money?

How supportive was he when you were going through your difficulties? Cancer, clients, business partner etc. Was he a rock?there for you emotionally and practically, if not financially? If he wasn't, I'd honestly get rid, if he was, it's a bit more tricky in my head.

Also consider your life goals - is he saying he's happy about no child and no house just because he thinks he can't afford them, when really he'd love those things? Or do you just want different things out of life?

If he's been loving and supportive to you and shares your goals for the future, I think it's possibly a little harsh to ditch him because of financial downturn. If the rest of the non-financial aspects haven't been there, then you're probably better off without him.