Why does he do this?

[Partidgeinpeartree]

Two situations that happened this week:

Morning rush: he dresses the baby and I feed the baby porridge. He is eating while I do this. I have to wait until he finishes to eat my own breakfast. He knows I have about 5 minutes to eat breakfast. Instead of rushing a bit himself it is like he goes in slow motion. After breakfast he still wants his drink, then he chats a little with our other kid and only then, when my ‘alotted’ time is reduced to 1 minute, he will show up to take over the baby. I can say this a hundred times, he is not going to chew a bit faster to ensure that I can also have breakfast.

Kids performance: in the train we discuss that when we get home, we have about ten minutes to get ready to go to school to see the kids show. He agrees, says he only has to feed the dogs and change clothes. We get home: i change baby’s nappy, get baby’s food ready, get the bag and get baby in the car. I sit in the car: he has changed clothes, fed the dogs and then ... nothing. We wait seven minutes for him to show up while he knows we were already late and I have done all the necessary work. When I say this to him, he claims he didn’t realise that we were already in the car (which is weird, as we were certainly not in the house with him)

It drives me nuts. It feels like he is telling me very clearly that he doesn’t care about me and (my) planning. This goes beyond the occasional slowness, he knows that he is denying me things (a proper breakfast, arriving on time at school) and he still goes ahead. WHY?

Op do you like to plan everything to the minute?

That's never going to work with children

Is he generally like this? I have fairly poor time management skills myself so it might not be deliberate. If it's just in these types of situations, it's a power-play and he's showing you who's in charge.

Ugggh you sound like my mil...EVERYTHING is a military operation! Even her fucking shits are timed!!

Why can’t you feed baby and yourself at the same time?

The after-school thing: that sounds really annoying. Is he like that when you’re going to something he wants to do?

Haven’t you talked to him about it?

Re the car thing, i’d Have shouted ‘putting dc in car. See you there’, then may have driven off if i’d Been faffing .....

Can't you just eat your breakfast while you feed the baby?

Just to make clear, I am not setting the time, that is just how it is. We take the train together every morning and to get there on time, we just have to hurry. Currently he uses about twice as much time ‘for himself’ ( i.e, showering, eating etc) than I have. I’m sure that if we woke up earlier, the situation would still be the same (but i would get even less sleep)).
The kids show was of course atypical but then still :how can you first agree that we both make an effort to be on time and then delay delay delay. The more I rush him, the slower he goes!

When we are running late my dh always drives more slowly than normal, and I sit there in the passenger seat biting my nails with growing frustration. Unless it is somewhere he particularly wants to get to on time, in which case he will drive normally, or even get a bit of a shift on.

For years I thought it was my imagination until the other week when ds1 (aged 21) said to me "Why does dad always drive so slowly when we are in a hurry - does he do it on purpose?"

You make 2 bowls of porridge (or whatever). One spoon for the Baby, one for you. Babies don't eat quickly anyway.
So you're the hare and dp's the tortoise.

Well, you have to tell him. For the school thing, i’d Have driven myself and dd there. Were you late?

If he takes ages in the shower then you shower first. If he takes ages to eat then you make sure you eat first.

What does he say about it?

Seems like a power play to me, being contrary either as cocking a snook to you (or possibly the world in general).

What does he say when you point out how selfish that is? But I definitely agree you need to eat at the same time as feed baby. Also alternate - one morning he dresses and you porridge, next morning swap. It's currently not fair so make it fair. And make sure you do the exact same thing he does.

My ex dh used to do this... used to drive me mental.

In situations such as the school play, I’d have told him that if he wasn’t in the car by X time, I was leaving with, or without him. And is bloody well leave him too.

As for breakfast, if he’s not finished his breakfast by the time you need to start to eat yours, put the baby and high chair next to him, hand him the spoon and tell him to take over. If he kicks off, just tell him, he knows what time you need to leave for work, and if he can’t sort himself out quickly enough then it’s his breakfast that will suffer

Breakfast, wake up earlier...DH if possible

Kids performance, if it's that bugging, leave him with the baby, and go on time.

IMHO it sounds like you're a bit controlling. This stuff usually isn't that hard to communicate about, and it sounds like there's more expectation than collaboration and you're seeing your arse about it.

I think people are missing the point. You haven't planned any of the timings, you just have to be ready for work, it's common sense. I'd tell him we're switching jobs - I'll dress baby and he feeds her.
He clearly sees his time as more important than yours.

You don't get the option of not plqnning your mornings

I don't see why everyone is saying it is your fault that you are punctual. Or why you should just do two things at once rather than him simply help.

He's being an arsehole and he is telling you that your time isnt as important as his. Next time just tell him it is his turn and pass the spoon over.

Drive off without him.

Etc

It's really not controlling to want some fucking help . She shouldn't have to get up earlier when there are rwo people who could be doing the same amount of work

You're not being unreasonable OP. You're not being controlling either. He's being disrespectful.

Thanks for the messages! I was very upset last night: we only just made it to the show and because he was doing his slow-motion thing, 5 people were waiting for him. Like one poster says: the more we have to rush (for what he considers "my things") the slower he goes. This morning miraculously he was up before the alarm went off and we had enough time. Next time this happens I will drive off but by chance we had people staying over and I didn´t want to create an uneasy atmosphere. I have reached a point where I try to speak up every time he does something similar. The problem is that I hate confrontations and we are very different in our approach to ´fights´. He does not react at all and shrugs it off, only by his actions the next day I can see that I did get to him. I get completely upset (especially because he is so teflon-esque) and it takes me a night of no sleep and several days of frustration. For the record, yes if we need to get to one of "his" things, he does make it on time but I will also do my very best to ensure that we are ready. I have to think of this a bit more, but your reactions help me in seeing both sides.

the more we have to rush (for what he considers "my things") the slower he goes.

Weird and controlling. What does he say when you pick him up on this?

I think he will get better if he has to deal with consequences... I’d tell him you can’t deal with his time control, so you’re not going to. when you need to eat, pass him the baby, when you need to leave to get somewhere tell him you are leaving at x and if he’s not ready you’ll see him there. But do it with a smile on your face, no argument etc. You are currently enabling him, so stop.

I wouldn't want to feel irritated every morning and would get on with things at my own speed ie get up earlier , wash myself then deal with the baby and my breakfast plus any other child business required and hope that DH leant a bit of a hand along the way. I know that could put me in the 'patsy camp but I wouldn't want to feel annoyed and rushed every day.