I am such a horrible person

[Pogo87]

I really do not know where to begin or even if I am really posting this in the best area; but I am fully prepared for the backlash that I deserve.

I am married; together for just over 10 and married 7 1/2. We have 1 DD together. I have been seeing someone else for 8 months - we play online together and thats how it started.

I have to go back to the beginning - I have never ever been happy about my weight. I have always been big. When I left university my weight was around 12.7/13 stone. I tried online dating and I met my now husand. Sex was okay - it was never very good being the fact that he has medical problems and I had confidence issues. He was never a very attentive person; my friends were only my friends so they could use me, my family only ever use me etc. He says he loved me but I didnt realise how controlling he was at times. When we moved in together he didnt stop me from seeing them - as long as I had the money...even though I didnt have a job. We spent a lot of time with his family - all of which centre on good looking as being the most important aspect of a person; hating fat people and smokers immensely. I was both.

About 4 years into our relationsip the sex was literally gone; I mean we had sex once in about 18 months and i was 25/26 [i had also put on 4 stone so that made me feel like it was me]. He went to the doctors and basically had some surgery - he has other problems so it was nevessary to do this. I am not a big fan of having something done if its not necessary to be honest. We then didnt have sex for another 18 months before he admitted there was a problem and went back to the doctor. Hos whole attitude was as my wife you have to put up with it.

We had arguments when his mother tried to destroy our marriage. He never stood by me always her. We had arguments over whether i deserved any more money. He keeps accusing me of having sex with everyone else becuase now i just dont feel wanted or not sure if i love him anymore.

I start playing on, online games. I have really got into this as a way to escape the thoughts in my own head to be honest. the DH resents this - he played on them for the first 4 years of our marriage and i had no right to complain. When I do it, its so unfair to him. I met this guy online. We started talking.

He said he likes me; I have told him I was married [becuase I got to the stage where i was going to walk out but i havent left] and now im in this huge mess. Totally deserve it to be honest.

But i am starting to notice a pattern - at least i think I am - my 'BF' has a Kink in sex and we do this - 90% of time. 'Normal straight sex' has been twice since we started dating 10 months ago. He isnt gay - he says he is Bi curious. But he always wants me to take him from behind with a toy....

It must be me - i am so totally ugly and disgusting and fat that neither my husband nor my boyfriend wants to have normal sex with me. I know I deserve this because cheating is so awful, if someone had saids to me 6 years you would end up like this I would have laughed hysterically.

I think i need to start liking myself, ive tried dieting several times and no luck. I wont ever have a happy relationship with anyone if i am not happy with myself.

This isnt really a question its more to outwardly project my utter dismay and disgust at what i have become inside and out.

You need to get out of your unhappy marriage and spend some time on your own building a life and some self confidence. Once you have THEN you can consider another relationship.

Leave your husband. He sounds like an ass anyway.

Work on your self confidence. I’m sure you have loads of amazing traits.

Cut the BF as well. He’s not doing you any favours. If your only doing his kink and not normal sex every time as well how is that even working for you?

Hiya lovely, I didn't want to read and run so I thought I should offer some advice. (I hope this doesn't offend you at all)

I'm not going to bash you for cheating as I don't think it's what you need right now. I think you need to practice some self loving in order to get through this rough patch. In the words of Ru Paul 'if you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else? Can I get an amen?!'

I totally understand the need to want to change yourself. I know how it feels to yo-yo diet, start something just to quit and look in the mirror and see something hideous. However, I don't think this online relationship or this marriage is healthy for you. You're viewing yourself in a negative light and then putting that out in the world, which is just attracting negative relationships to you.

Please. Take time out to love yourself. Find out who you are as a person. Look in the mirror, find something about yourself that you do like and compliment yourself on that. Start small and I promise you will grow as a person and find that light that is inside you.

Leave ypur husband. You aren't in love with him and there is no compatibility, no chemistry and no affection. What's the point?

Leave the bf. He has sniffed out your vulnerability and self-esteem issues and is using it to his advantage. Again, it doesn't sound like there's any real connection. Just you satisfying his kink.

You need to be alone for a while, to work on yourself, your confidence and wirking put what you need from life and any forthcoming romantic relationships.

Neither of your current relationships are doing your self-esteem any favours.

This seems to centre around your self confidence. You don't feel good in either relationship and neither one of those people do anything to buoy your self esteem. And they shouldn't have to - you need to do that for yourself.

Do you like you? Do you feel you are a nice and considerate person? A good friend? Thoughtful? Considerate? Do you ask how friends are and make time for them by phone/text/in person? I bet you do. Those are good things.

You obviously don't feel good about cheating, and it's not bringing you any happiness by the sounds of it. You're escaping from one nightmare to another. I agree, ditch them both.

As for liking yourself physically and how you look, it shouldn't matter so much but I understand that it does. Unless you have a medical condition, you CAN lose weight. It's not easy, but you have to want to do it for you and you have to eat well and move more. It's as "simple" as that. It's not always easy to stick to but it can be done. There's apps that will help.

First and foremost, work out what you want from life/a partner. Your marriage sounds miserable and if there's no coming back from it in your mind, try and find the strength to make the break. Then, like others have said, work on YOU. Only you can make you happy. Good luck.

Have you now got a job?

You need to start there. Ditch the boyfriend. Ditch the husband.

I have been in a marriage with a bully. It's awful. But the only person who can change this is you.

I notice you say you have tried dieting, but no luck. It's not luck. I take it, that you feel off the wagon, again like we all have.

You need to find it in you start taking control of your life, having your own money will help that.

Neither the boyfriend or husband is helping your self esteem.

Men are not the answer to fixing your dissatisfaction with yourself. Your unsatisfying marriage doesn’t give you special dispensation to cheat and lie. Like your online gaming, the OM is a temporary distraction that does nothing to address the underlying issues you’re avoiding.