This is an AIBU to feel hurt

[allgoodinthehood]

I have a Next account registered at my address. I used my partner's address last summer as a delivery address for some dresses I wanted quickly. I was staying there for a few weeks and not returning home to be in for deliveries.
For some unknown reason Next sent him a letter saying "thanks for letting us know you've moved" addressed to me at his address.
He sent me on WhatsApp a photo of letter and said " not very happy about this you havnt asked me ?
I explained it was a mistake on Nexts part which he said he believed me but the tone of the voice was still off.
I phoned Next and spoke to a lovely lady who sent me an email basically saying that they messed up and was sorry .
I forwarded it on to him and he was fine after that and said thanks for sorting it out.
In his past he has had his ex and several girlfriends take advantage of him money wise He said can I not see it from his point of view that he has had it happen to him in the past and when he received the letter he was cross.
My point of view is that I have never ever given him any reason whatsoever to distrust me so why is he judging me and comparing the situation to his past .
I wss married for 27 years and left due to domestic violance that was ongoing throughout the marriage.
I left with just my son and our clothes.
I feel Ive come along way since I left and have only finally just got my divorce.
I admit some times my thinking is not clued up because of past relationship.
We have been together nearly 2 years Older couple and I see him Tuesday , Wednesday and Friday nights plus every weekend.
We've talked about moving in together which is what we both want but as a mother of a 19 year old Im waiting for him to fly the nest and won't do anything untill he's happy to move out.
Don't get me wrong he treats me with 100% respect and is loving and kind to me. We have a very equal relationship. He truly is what I want from a relationship.I just feel sad that I feel he doesn't trust me due to his past.
Do I need to get over this.

If this is a one off in an otherwise good relationship I’d let it go.

Having said that - did he open post addressed to yourself?

That's a thought he must if done, but to be fair I would have opened it .Im just starting to use my maiden name instead of my old married name so even the name would have seemed strange.

Just spoke to him he didn't open it his adult son or daughter did . Bet that was a shock

If I thought that someone had used my address for their credit account I wouldn’t be too happy about it either so I think he was fair to express his unhappiness. As long as he didn’t go ballistic or demand proof I can’t really see any red flags.

Fondu that is what happened to him before. He has only just finished paying it off.
my issue is I feel he doesnt trust me where as I trust him wholeheartedly.
He didnt get angry as such but I could tell he was pissed off I can guarentee his kids would have said something as to be fair he was tsken for a ride in the past.
But they havr never seen me being anything other thsn fair. FGS I even lent him money the other week so he didnt have to pay overdraft fees.

i did get him to sign a piece of psper though to confirm it was a loan to be paid back by a certain date as two and a half grand means alot to me.

And he inly seemed calmer as in back to his usual self after i forwarded him the email from next so it was proof as such even though he didnt technically ask for it.

Wow you lent him 2500? How sure are you his previous partners took him for a ride...sounds dodgy to me.

Never lend money you can't afford to lose.

I think I would have been a bit cross and upset too. OK, you've never given him cause before, but THIS was cause (even though it was a mistake). And I can guess his DC wasn't too impressed either....

You don't just turn trust on and off, or demand it. If he's been hurt before he's going to be very, very cautious.

My first thoughts were that I would be wary about lending him money, and not so trusting of his in debt as taken for a fool by ex girlfriend(??s) story. However this is due to my own experience so am probably being over cynical.

Stop lending him money for one!
I can see his point IF that is what actually happened.
Have you spoken to ALL these ex's that ripped him off?
I'd not believe it.
Proceed with caution OP.

I would give him a pass on this one. It seems he is reacting based on his past experiences, just as you react based on your past experiences: we all do! You hoped he trusted you completely, as you trust him, but this has "triggered" something (I do hate that word, but think it may apply here) . I would keep a tiny bit of trust "on hold" and watch a bit, but not necessarily hold this one against him. Good luck!

The money with the ex happened as ive seen the paperwork.
I will be taking a little bit of a step back. Seems a wise mive considering how im feeling right now

@allgoodinthehood
I will be taking a little bit of a step back. Seems a wise mive considering how im feeling right now

Wise idea, especially after your previous escape from an abusive relationship.

I'd also reconsider moving in with him - much better to keep your own home in these circumstances. You can still have an equal relationship but still have your own space - especially if he and/or his children have trust issues.

Does your son know you are planning on moving in with your partner once he decides to "fly the nest" and how does he feel about it? What are the plans for the children from both sides when you and your partner move in together- will there be room for him if he wishes to stay?

Re the loan of £2500 to him - great you got him to sign some form of agreement but I'd be careful of making any more loans - especially if he's not yet repaid the last one.

Hope he isn't kicking up a fuss to get away with paying you the loan back x

The thing is, the letter suggested you'd moved your account to his address. And you can't blame him for believing it - he got a formal letter in the post to that effect. I think it's reasonable that would have annoyed him - he may have thought you were trying to move in by stealth. But when you explained, and sorted it, he responded in a perfect manner, accepted it and isn't harping on about it.

So yes, I think YABU. The problem with trust is that of course it's there, but that doesn't mean that when you receive official notification of something your first thought is, "no no, this must be an administrative mistake."

No one should be opening your post it against the law .
I would be going off for that one .
You should not have lead 2 and that grand that us lot of money to man that thinks it is ok to open your post .

It's not about the account, the account was clearly in your name, under your banking details.
It was about the fact you'd 'changed' your delivery address. It was silly of him to be cross and I really, really hope you get your money back.

Regarding the debt he's set up a standing order to pay it back.
His kids are a Ds of 27 who still lives at home and a 24 yr old dd who has two kids and has her own place. The ds is hoping to move out in two to three years.
I have a ds of 19 who informed me last night he wants to move out of our lovely rented flat by christmas and rent a place with his friend.
He wants to be independent and should hopefully be able to afford it as he will be on better money by then.
He really likes my partner and has seen how happy i am as in a lovely normal relationship. He is happy for me to move in with him.
we are going out for a drink tonight so I am assuming we will talk about it more tonight and I will let him know how Im feeling.
I do get why he reacted this way but surely your first reaction should not be one of distrust. Ive never given him any reason.

Well this is poo. My partner and I are sorted long chat and we are back on track.
But I also got two letters from Next stating the same as his two letters but addressed to me so unless I can split myself in two its obviously a cock up on Nexts part including the email that states this.
Turns out when his daughter opened the letters a-lot was said by her and his son and they thought I was trying to prove i lived there so i had a claim on his house.
His son hasn't spoken to me all weekend as his daughter came over yesterday and didn't speak said goodbye as did I Its a shame as we did get on she's a difficult character but Im one of the only girlfriends she got on ok with.
So as it stands I have made the decision to not move in in the near future and will go grey rock with them.
I do suffer with anxiety not surprising really considering the journey Ive been on so I feel really uncomfortable being around people who I thought genuinely liked me and turns out think Im scamming their dad even though they have seen the letters and email

@allgoodinthehood

So as it stands I have made the decision to not move in in the near future and will go grey rock with them.

Well that's so sad but, as his children don't seem to trust you - judging you on your DP's past experiences which you have actually tried to help with eg the loan) I think postponing/cancelling the move us very wise indeed.

Having your own, calm space that you can retreat to is invaluable. All the best for the future OP. 🌹

I'd say his kids have seen their dad hurt in the past and are protective of him. I wouldn't be cranky with him - I'd be angry if a partner started getting mail sent to my address if they didn't live with me too. That's presumptuous. You've cleared it up and it was a genuine error and he's ok with that. But perhaps his kids are still remembering all the others who've done him wrong and are suspicious.

FGS two more letters today from next at my address congratulating me on my move lol
My partner went out yesturday morning so I took the opportunity to speak to him .I asked if he wanted to clear the air and he was ok with it even asked me if I wanted to hug it out.
We spoke about everything he even said he was geeing his dad by saying what he said . He reacts to things very very quickly in an unrational manner. I explained how sad I was that he didn't judge me on what he knew about me and how well I thought we got on.
He was cross at his dad for telling me he knew and what he said . I explained that his dad and I have a No lying policy which works very well for us .
He apologised for not trusting me and I asked him if anything happens in the future can he speak to me first which he agreed to do.
His DD on the other hand I will just leave it.
He has apologised profusely over the weekend for hurting my feelings .So hopefully we are back on track
Thank you all for the support with all of this.

Oops when I said speak to him I meant his son

Jeeze had a long day at work the apologizing profusely has been by my partner not son x

I don't think you can blame his children for being immediately suspicious of the past relationships really were that one sided. I'm sure their dad seemed happy in those at first as well! It'll blow over with the daughter, especially if you don't move in any time soon. Which I wouldn't by the way. You see a lot of each other as it is and could easily increase it to most nights spent in one place or the other if you want to, but your own space is important.