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Original poster

He text his Ex

34 replies

emmasugar · 28/03/2019 14:34

Hey lovelies. I hope you’re all well Flowers I really need to get something of my chest, and would really appreciate others opinions on something that happened recently.

Quick backstory. I am 26 and my partner is 33.

We have been together for 8 months now. So far it’s been perfect. He’s extremely thoughtful, attentive, hard working and it’s clear to everyone that he adores me. I was so happy, until recently...

I had a message request from his ex. (They broke up a few months before we met) She sent me screen shot messages from him to her. The messages were along the lines of “I’m sorry in how I treated you. You were my best friend, the perfect girlfriend material and I didn’t deserve you”

Not good... but then he sent her this. “I think about you a lot and how it could have easily been fixed. I made a mistake in how I treated you” Sad

At first her replies were friendly, she told him it wasn’t nice how suddenly they ended but she understands now that it was for the best. Then she went on his profile, saw he was with me, called him out on it and told him he was sneaky and insane for messaging her.

His reply was “I am not denying I am in a relationship, wherever I was in a relationship or not, I wanted to apologise to you”

He had no idea she told me until I confronted him.

After I confronted him he tried to reassure me that the only reason he messaged her was to apologise. Apparently she wasn’t his usual “type” but they had a lot of mutual interests so they tried dating, but there was no attraction for him. They were both miserable as a ‘couple’ and the relationship was based more on friendship instead of two people dating. This lasted only 2-3 months before he finished it in what was supposedly a very abrupt way and cut all ties with her (until now)

He said the reason he told her that he thinks of her a lot is because he felt bad in how it ended and wanted to make amends, and the nice things he said were only added “to make her feel better” he didn’t want her to feel like it was completely her fault.

It might be worth mentioning that when I confronted him, he said that if she had sent me the messages then I would of seen his message saying that she mustn’t read into it and they need to stop communicating now. She never sent me this. She seems a nice girl and I have no reason to think she could be bitter. But I don’t know. He told me that she’s emotionally unstable and there is possibility she’s feeling spiteful still but I always take accusations like that with a pinch of salt...

I broke up with him after first finding out but after days of phone calls, hundreds of messages and knocks on my front door I caved and decided to give him another chance. My family think he’s amazing, even after I told them what happened they told me not to break up with him. This happened 2 months ago now and he’s been perfect since.

Argh. Sorry if I rambled. I think the concept of what he did isn’t “wrong” but it keeps playing over in my mind. Am I in denial?

I just need to hear a few other opinions Sad do you think I made the right decision in staying with him? The trust isn’t broken. But it has been damaged Sad

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 28/03/2019 14:37

Imo the fact he is trying to blame her means it's his doing.....
He was also imo keeping his options open.

Trust would be gone for me.

Depends on your boundaries and how you can assure youself you won't want to be constantly checking his phone....

Original poster
emmasugar · 28/03/2019 14:47

I agree. He does admit he made a mistake now. He felt he had done nothing wrong at the start Hmm

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 28/03/2019 14:49

I'm a cynic, but I often feel the "I've done nothing wrong" line is to see if you'll accept it, if they say it enough.

Its a very persuasive argument.

Amongstthetallgrass · 28/03/2019 14:51

Don’t fall for it

Chocolateisfab · 28/03/2019 14:52

He was enjoying the ego massage.
Before long it would likely have been his penis she was massaging....

AmIBU123 · 28/03/2019 14:54

It's that kind of situation where you'll never really know the truth. I'd struggle to move past this and if I did it would always be niggling away me.

Thatnovembernight · 28/03/2019 14:56

I wouldn’t like this either. I would be ok with a text that said something about realising he had been wrong to treat her how he did and he is sorry, wishes her the best for the future etc. But I’d be uncomfortable about all the talk of her perfect she was and how he’s been thinking about her, how it could have been easily fixed etc. It feels a bit like fishing to see if she wants to reconcile. Not saying that IS what he was doing but it just seems a bit off. I’m also wary about people who call their ex crazy/mental/unstable.

Original poster
emmasugar · 28/03/2019 15:07

This is exactly where I stand with it. Sad Flowers

OP posts:
pudding21 · 28/03/2019 15:07

I won't comment on the messaging the ex (could have just been lamenting etc), but this but after days of phone calls, hundreds of messages and knocks on my front door is a massive RED flag.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 15:10

You were my best friend, the perfect girlfriend material and I didn’t deserve you”

Not good... but then he sent her this. “I think about you a lot and how it could have easily been fixed.

I made a mistake in how I treated you

His messages sound like he's sniffing.

Way more than an apology.

lms2017 · 28/03/2019 15:16

Get gone ... what if she replied that she was missing him and wanted to try again etc would he give you a 2nd thought? .

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 16:24

Apparently she wasn’t his usual “type”

They were both miserable as a ‘couple’

The 2 statements above, don't tie in with this next one.
the perfect girlfriend material

If they were both miserable, how does that make her perfect GF material.

Plus, in spite of having mutual friends, he still treated her badly.

Best friend indeed.

For me the trust would be gone.

yiskasha · 28/03/2019 16:38

It's always the men who claim their ex girlfriends are "mentally unstable" who are the actual mentally unstable ones.

MsDogLady · 28/03/2019 16:42

I agree that he was trying it on with her and is lying to you.

If, like he claims, ”there was no attraction for him,” then why would he say to her, ”I think about you a lot and how it could have easily been fixed.”

Plus, if she really is ”unstable” and he wanted to avoid her, he would not have said the above. She actually seems very savvy for seeing it for what it is and calling him out.

I think you have allowed him to con you.

OldAndWornOut · 28/03/2019 16:45

Surely he would steer clear of a mentally unstable ex, not send her ambiguous messages.

JaneEyre07 · 28/03/2019 16:48

Where is your self respect?

Messaging an ex? You are his second choice. Back up plan.

I wouldn't give him that option I'd rather be alone, sorry.

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2019 16:49

Nah I wouldn't have given him another chance. Dump him then he can send you shady messages when he meets someone else. Waste of space

Lefty1 · 28/03/2019 16:49

**You were my best friend, the perfect girlfriend material and I didn’t deserve you”

Not good... but then he sent her this. “I think about you a lot and how it could have easily been fixed.

I made a mistake in how I treated you

His messages sound like he's sniffing.

Way more than an apology.**

^^^ this times 1000. Don’t fall for it .

NotTheFordType · 28/03/2019 16:51

he felt bad in how it ended and wanted to make amends

Is he in a 12 step program such as AA or NA? Part of the steps is to make amends to people you have treated badly in the past.

His explanation doesn't make sense though. as a PP said, if he wasn't his type and he had no attraction to her, how could it have easily been fixed? And bollocks was he just trying to make her feel better saying that, it's a very clear "Please ask me why and I'll tell you to lose or gain 10lbs/stop or start smoking weed/stop asking me to get off my Xbox at 3am/punt your DC off to their dad, and we can get back together!"

Lefty1 · 28/03/2019 16:53

Also why reach out to a “mentally unstable ex”? Just asking for trouble isn’t it?

Op the oldest trick in the book is “my ex is crazy” , as soon as I hear those words from any potential love interest I exit stage left and pronto.

Doghorsechicken · 28/03/2019 16:57

He’s messed up, please don’t believe his crap! If he was so innocent he’d have shown you the messages from his phone to prove himself. But he couldn’t do that because it would’ve just confirmed what you knew was true. Please don’t settle for second best!

HomoHeinekenensis · 28/03/2019 17:00

Agree with PPs. His messages were way more than an apology. He was on a fishing trip and got caught. he now has you as the only option and is back pedalling real fast. He must think you're thick as shit OP.
Honest to God why do they do shit like this? You would think they had two dicks or something!

ChristmasFluff · 28/03/2019 17:12

He has no respect for you whatsoever. He didn't even respect you saying 'no' to the relationship continuing.

You and your family/friends may have perceived his insistence as being because he loves you, but actually it's a sign he wants to control you. BIG red flag, as PP says.

Has he shown you his end of the messages? No - because he deleted them, because he is lying, and shady AF. He'll turnout to be abusive and a cheat too, I'd put money on it.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 18:52

He told me that she’s emotionally unstable

Hmmm....and of course a sensible thing to do with an emotionally unstable Ex GF would be to tell them they were perfect girlfriend material, you're thinking about them a lot and that the problems could have easily been fixed.

The last one comes across as regret to me.

And that nonsense of "we need to stop communicating now"... after he got back in touch with her. He really rates himself doesn't he. As if she wasn't happily getting on with her life before he turned back up and started with his crap.

You're 26. You're in your prime. This is the stage of life where you can be picky with men. He's not a good one. Not by a long shot.

His Ex on the other hand, sounds like a decent woman. She's well rid of him.

Bubblegumgal · 28/03/2019 19:06

“might be worth mentioning that when I confronted him, he said that if she had sent me the messages then I would of seen his message saying that she mustn’t read into it and they need to stop communicating now. ”
I take it he showed you the message where he said this then?
Cos there’s no way on earth I’d believe that without proof. Even then I’d still dump him.

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