Am I Overthinking this - His Ex

[UserTKB4421]

Hoping for some objective thoughts.

My partner of 10+ years is still receiving sporadic contact from his ex girlfriend. From what I gather they had quite an on off relationship of 5/6 years and he ended it. They have never lived together and do not have children, however I understand that the ex had a close relationship with his family and to this day continues to maintain a close friendship (mother/daughter type bond) with his mother. Towards the beginning of our relationship the ex stated that she was 'going to split us up', further to which things settled down. However since this time she has continued to instigate sporadic contact, through messages or trying to call, a handful of times per year. Message content is always along the lines of ''I keep getting a feeling that there's something wrong for you'' or ''I had a bad dream about you and wanted to check that you are ok''. (I must add a this point that his ex girlfriend is a professional middle aged woman and not a wayward teen). Most recently she sent a message in the middle of the night with content reflective of the above. My partner showed me the message in the morning and advised me that he had immediately deleted it. However later in the day it transpired that he had not.

My thought has always been that this woman must have chronically poor self worth to keep reaching out after all these years/ and or is being subtly encouraged to do so by his mother (who is unfortunately quite the piece of work). However this most recent contact (and my partners unnecessary lie about having deleted the message) have led me to question if there is more to it.

So he told you straight away and showed you the message and it contains nothing more than a reaching out. No arranging dates I love you’a etc etc.

Totally hiding something obviously (not)

My partner showed me the message in the morning and advised me that he had immediately deleted it.

If he immediately deleted it how could he show it to you in the first place?

He needs to grow a backbone and block the silly woman.

@nottheford meaning that he had deleted it after after having shown me. And yes this is my point exactly, why not either be direct about wanting no further contact or simply block the person. In my experience no self respecting individual continues doing this for years after it has been made clear that it is not wanted or appreciated.

@Karigan195 I don't think he is hiding something in that he is cheating. Just perhaps that there's something that hasn't been said, or a line which hasn't been drawn that should have been.

I also wondered how anyone else might feel in this position. Over the years it has had a big impact on me being able to develop a relationship with my partners family, not through lack of trying, as his mother refused to entertain him being with anyone else.

I found it hard to shake an attachment I had to a particular ex. We stayed in touch semi-regularly and I occasionally harboured a fantasy of us getting back together. I had a couple of significant relationships during this time, he had none.

I remember when he met his SO. We still chatted sporadically. I was busy with life and didn't notice the couple of years passing or lack of contact. I messaged him on his birthday, no reply. Then I scrolled back and realised he hadn't answered my birthday message the previous year either. I had heard from mutual friends they had a child.

I got the message and respectfully never contacted him again. It didn't make sense for him to keep me in his life.

If your dp is ignoring her and she's persevering, he needs to block her. Middle of the night texts are massively inappropriate.

Why hasn't she been blocked for years??

I wouldn't worry about his silly mother - you said she's a piece of work so you'll want to keep minimal, politely distant relationship with her anyway. In the long (long) term she'll accept they're not getting back together. You could ask him to speak to her but he can't make her cut contact with the ex and it will create hostility/more of an issue etc with her. Best left alone and unsaid, rise above it.

As for him, he's always told you - a v good sign. The lack of deletion, was it an oversight? Yes, maybe he needs to block her instead of letting it continue since she's apparently not going to stop.

Ask him would he like it if it was your ex contacting you telling you they were thinking about you, had a dream about you, were worried about you etc. I fkg think not.

I think he likes the attention he gets from his ex. A pathetic little boost to his ego. I would say he either blocks her completely or he can leave.

She sounds bitter and jealous. Unfortunately she also seems to have an agenda. He needs to call her and tell her to stop trying to maintain contact and block her.

I still say hello to an ex from time to time and there's absolutely nothing behind it!

Have you confronted him about the lie? This would be a big issue for me.

Regarding the ex, he needs to draw a final line and block her. Put your foot down. He should have shut her down 10 years ago when she threatened to break you up. How would he feel if your ex was calling in the middle of the night?

Regarding his mother, why is he tolerating her terrible attitude toward you? It has been 10 years.

I have an ex who was particularly tricky to get rid of; we dated in school and then hooked up a few times after uni. He would message me, occasionally his new partners would get in touch with me (probably to indicate their presence). While I was single, I tried to stay friendly while keeping an appropriate distance.

Once I met DH, everything changed for me. I realised this ex messaging me whenever his relationship had fallen apart meant that he still considered me an option. He would also message me whenever my profile picture changed from one of DH & me to one of just me (regardless of the ex's relationship status). I had to get firmer over the years: the dramatic apology message (and request for a phone call) got a simple, "Hey, no bad blood between us, water under the bridge" response.

A few years later, got another one, at this point DH got frustrated...understanably. So I send the proper firm response (We've not really spoken in 5+ years, you have people in your life, I've been married for a while, this is inappropriate, I won't be sending any more messages). I didn't like doing it because I don't like hurting people, but I was hurting more people by not sending it.

That said, this ex is out of my life. He works in my home town (70,000+ people) but I have never once run into him. We're not going to have to socialise at a holiday party or anything and I have ZERO interest in pursing that further. But sometimes when someone is out of your life, it's tricky to bin them entirely...

Thank you for the replies. Helpful to hear that I am not being unreasonable in questionning this. His mother I am civil with but regardless of the ex we have very different values and will never have a connection/ deeper relationship. I may we explain my feelings on the situation and suggest that he block ex. However am slightly miffed that he hasnt recognised this for himself. Or perhaps he is just happy with her being there.

Maybe he feels it will make things awkward if he blocks her because she is close with his family and she isn’t actually doing anything that bothers him. Many people have amicable breakups where they occasionally check in to see how things are. If what she is sending isn’t inappropriate, which it doesn’t sound like it is, then I can see why he hasn’t blocked her.

I still say hello to an ex from time to time and there's absolutely nothing behind it!

Do you say you've had bad dreams about him and is he ok, or you've had a bad feeling about him and need to check he's ok? Do you do it late at night/in the early hours?

I very occasionally exchange brief messages via Facebook with one of my exes. If he told me he'd had a dream about me or was worried I wasn't truly happy I'd stick my metaphorical foot up his arse and block him. And I'm single!

There's a massive difference between exchanging a brief "Hello, saw you got that new job, well done!" or "Heard about your dad, hope you're okay", or "Congrats on your new baby" - and a load of emotionally manipulative bollocks about dreams and worries.

OP is your partner very non-confrontational? Would he be worried about aggro from his mum if he blocks the ex?

Ego boost for him, I feel. No way would I be keeping in touch with someone who had proclaimed they would actively try to split me and DH up!

Maybe he feels he can play you two off each other and keep you off-balance.

Hate the sound of mind games like this.

@NottheFord precisely. It is the sub text to the contact which I find unsettling. In the past I have also been in situations where there has been unwanted contact, however have been direct in communicating this and it has no longer been a problem. There is no way that I would entertain this strategic emotive rubbish from an ex partner, regardless of whether or not I was in a relationship. To me I think it also suggests that she thinks he can be easily influenced, which being blunt he probably could have been in the past (from what I have come to understand she and his mother manipulated him for years).

Yes he is very non confrontational where his mother is concerned.

@MsDogLady I confronted him about this straight away. How was he going to show me the message again when he told me that he had deleted it that morning? At the time his response concerned me... he got flustered before saying he didn't tell me that (he absolutely did) and then reverted to saying that he had kept it 'to show me just in case'. Actually we spoke about this at a later date too, and he stated it did not matter as it was a white lie. Needless to say this sparked alarm bells in my mind.

I can guarantee that if my ex were to send me such messages he would have an issue with it.

Regarding his mother, I have no desire for anything other than civility with the woman. I respect her as his mother. That is all.