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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend and his job, am I being petty?

23 replies

Saythatonemoretime · 28/03/2019 09:29

I’m a single parent and work full time in a semi skilled office job. It doesn’t massively stress me or tire me out. I do my work and go home. My boyfriend of a year has a professional job which is well known for its high stress levels. I’m proud of him for working hard and doing a job he enjoys in a role that can be difficult. The thing I am getting a little annoyed over is his constant, almost belittling of my job and any tiredness or stress I report from work or my life.
For example a few weeks ago he said he felt he was coming down with a cold, and that it “must be a insert job role here thing” when actually I felt unwell too.
He’ll text in the morning saying he feels tired and I’ll say i feel tired too, and he’ll again attribute his to his job saying the particular task he did yesterday really drains him.
My workplace are quite good at offering rest breaks and time away from your desk, and again this morning I said I was tired, and he said well at least you can have your regular rest breaks.
I just feel like giving up on ever expressing that I am tired or stressed or have had a bad day because his always trumps mine.
I just needed a rant on this even though it’s a bit petty. Angry

OP posts:
mooncuplanding · 28/03/2019 09:31

His job sounds shitter than yours

What would be the point of working yourself into an early grave?

zoellafortitude · 28/03/2019 09:33

Just tell him that you have sensibly chosen a job that is a good fit for you and that perhaps if his job "drains him" and makes him tired and miserable, then perhaps he should follow your example!

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2019 09:36

He sounds so tedious. I hate when people want to have competitions over who is the most tired or stressed or whatever. How long have you been dating him? Is it even worth it?

julensaor · 28/03/2019 09:38

He sounds too competitive with you which isn't great, tell him if it stresses him so much maybe he isn't able for it, that might wind down his moaning.

FriarTuck · 28/03/2019 09:40

One little point - does he feel (possibly) like if he says he's tired you immediately say you do too so he doesn't get any sympathy? Maybe that's why he puts your job down? (Not that it's right) Or maybe he really hates his job but doesn't want to admit it because it makes him feel like a failure so he's trying to make you feel equally bad (again not right but...)

Nowordsleft · 28/03/2019 09:43

He will always think that and he does have a point. Can you both agree to not complain about tiredness or stress? It’s boring anyway. He probably just wants sympathy so either give him that and if you can’t and it bugs you so much, you will have to call it a day.

YouBumder · 28/03/2019 09:44

Have you told him how you feel and asked him to stop it? He sounds like a dick.

Still18atheart · 28/03/2019 09:53

I’ve been in that position. Have a similar sounding job to you and whilst it’s a relatively unstressful role I still have bad days at the office everyone does. Yet friends and ex bf has higher powered more stressful jobs as is the nature of the role. So I always feel a bit guilty if I have a occasional rant and they always trump me. It is frustrating.

BlackPrism · 28/03/2019 10:00

Have you told him it upsets you?
I do know what you mean, DP is an accountant and it's fucking horrific - but then I remind him he gets a fantastic wage so...

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/03/2019 10:00

I'm assuming he is a single parent too since his tiredness trumps yours?

TwitterQueen1 · 28/03/2019 10:00

The two of you sound as if you're competing with each other for who can be the most tired. It's very dull and boring.

Can you try changing the conversation so instead you talk about something that you enjoyed at work? Or something funny someone said?

lifebegins50 · 28/03/2019 10:12

Do you offer each other empathy or validation of feelings as it doesn't seem like it flows from either of you.

If a partner was feeling unwell I think the answer would be ask more questions but you seem irritated because he refers to his job. It could be you sense he is putting you down.

Being a single mum and working fullltime isn't easy so he should recognise that. If he doesn't perhaps he has low empathy which isn't someone easy to live with.

outpinked · 28/03/2019 11:23

Life isn’t a competition and he doesn’t win a prize for being the ‘most stressed’. His job sounds shit and he’s envious of yours. I would consider ending the relationship, he sounds so tedious and petty.

cakecakecheese · 28/03/2019 11:40

I'm childish so I'd turn it round to a boast Grin

'Sorry you're tired I'm just about to go on a nice rest break'

But really he shouldn't be making you feel like your job isn't as worthwhile as his. I work full time from home and while my bf will make jokes about it he knows I'm good at what I do and encourages and supports me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2019 12:17

To be honest it sounds as though you are both trying to out-do the other. You immediately reply that you're tired too when he does.

6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 28/03/2019 12:49

Hmm, I get this the other way round. If I say I'm tired, had a bad night, am stressed or ill my DH will, unfailingly, tell me he is too and then start telling me all about it. It drives me mad, I'm not saying he isn't too, and maybe that's his way of giving empathy, but actually it feels like your being dismissed.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2019 12:51

Always making a pissing contest out of things is a massive red flag. Dump and move on.

Chocolateisfab · 28/03/2019 12:53

Dealing with such a martyr sounds like you actually have 2 jobs op...

happyhillock · 28/03/2019 12:55

Oh grow up, you sound like a couple of children, my ex used to belittle my job because he earned two and half times more than me, i got fed up of it and said okay if my money goes no where i'll give it up, soon changed his tune.

Aus84 · 28/03/2019 12:55

Next time he carries on about it just suggest that perhaps he is not cut out for that type of job and maybe he should consider something less stressful if it's going to be an ongoing issue.

Hollowvictory · 28/03/2019 13:00

What a sad relationship. Everyone being tired.

Ellisandra · 28/03/2019 13:06

It sounds you’re the one with the tiredness competition going on though!

Your first example - he was unwell, but you say - so was I.
Turn you say when texts that he is tired, you say you’re tired.

You acknowledge that his work is more stressful and tiring. Maybe he’s pissed off and reacting about your job because every time he tries to say he’s tired, you get in on the act?

Jessgalinda · 28/03/2019 13:36

I cant help wonder if his comments are because you are are competitive about how hard your life is.

You can see examples of it here

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