DH has no friends

[mummasboy]

My wonderful DH has just turned 30 & admitted to me he is lonely and friendless.

He got drunk and all the emotions came out. We have a fantastic relationship but he admitted to wanting to harm himself because of this. It absolutely breaks my heart because he is the kindest, gentlest soul.

His reason for not having many friends is that he works alone (nature of job) and he extracted himself from a bad crowd at school long after school had finished (drugs etc) so no real opportunity there to meet new people.

Now the only friends he has are my friends other halves, none of his own making, whom he is grateful for but it still upsets him as that is a different type of relationship.

Also DC1 due imminently. Any baby and dad groups? Any suggestions?

I love my DH so much and hate to see him suffering like this. Our life is truly wonderful apart from this. I know the importance of good friends and what it can do for your mental health and emotional well-being, all I want is for him to have a couple of mates he can call on at the pub after a hard day's graft.

How does he make new friends at 30?

Does he play a sport? The friends my DH has are mainly from various cricket teams he's been part of over the years. Or do you have any couples you are friends with, he could develop a deeper friendship there maybe?

Although he works alone is there other people that do the same job as him? Is he a lone worker or self employed?

How about sports groups? When my brother moved to a new country with his DW he didn’t have any friends either he decided to join football teams,go to gym classes,”man united supporters club” I think his main group of friends are still his friends here and he goes away with them but he now has a few friends he can at least go the pub with to watch a match.
Could he arrange a night out for all the other half’s of your friends?
Or maybe do a bit of volunteering or a hobby course at a community centre?

Through NCT or equivalent classes? His friends don’t have to be independent of you. Can be the male half of couples that he organises to see separately from time to time.

Are you planning to do NCT for your dc? That is a very good way to make more friends as ime the dads are very involved in those groups. Often it's the women who then meet more regularly once the dc arrive but if you put the effort in, the men can def stay involved too. It hasn't happened with our group but has for lots of others I'm aware of. The men meet up regularly by themselves.

Otherwise a hobby or a sport? Slight problem is that you're about to get quite busy with dc1, but if you set aside one eve a week, or weekend day, for your dh to develop this, then that would probably massively help him?

The running clubs round here all seem very pally.

I would second NCT or similar. My Ex H was in a similar position at that age as we had moved to a new area and he now considers the men he met there to be his closest friends. People have mixed experiences in these groups but ours was great for that. All it takes is 1 kindred spirit or person who has a shared interest.. even if not then havoc your first baby can be a bonding experience for the dads as well as the mums..

He might find some new friends among the dads you'll inevitably meet once your DC arrives (congratulations).

But his best bet is to get involved in a shared interest group. Sport is an obvious choice - join a football, rugby or cricket team or a cycling or running group. Or a music group. He could also just turn up at the pub on nights when his team is playing and it's being showed on the wide screen. He just has to listen out for people who support the same team and that's a start point.

Are there other people locally who do the same job as him who might be in a similar situation. He could start the Cabinet Makers' drinking club (or whatever he does.) Just advertise locally on something like local FB pages or NextDoor.

If he’s considered self harm, perhaps he needs to speak with a professional who can address that, and also address his friendship issues.

He might be grieving the loss of friends from his youth, even if it was a healthy decision to distance himself from the drugs crowd.

It’s vital for people to have friendships, but they can take time to develop. A shared interest is a good start.

What are his interests and hobbies? I've noticed men find it easier to form friendships around a shared interest (football, fishing, running, gaming, growing stuff, fixing stuff etc).

Also NCT, as others have said - it's a good way to form friendships that are equally yours and his.

Would he be interested in joining an organisation like the Lions Club or Rotary?. Adult education college for evening classes?.

NCT
Round Table or similar
PTA later
Any groups based on local churches?You don't usually need to attend or be religious

My best friend died suddenly and I vowed to make 3 close friends
It takes work
10 years on
1 moved away but we e mail and plan to meet
Still have the other 2 nearby
Also reconnected with old school and college friends

Och the poor guy :(

Does he have any hobbies he likes? Football - he could join a 5 a side team? Cycling - join a cycling club? My husband did the latter and has made a whole group of new friends.

My partner has recently made golfing friends - they aren't club members, just all on a Facebook group that progressed to meeting up. Partner also had some music lessons and was invited to join a group but declined that opportunity. I've made friends through running, Parkrun is supposed to be good for this. I've also developed a couple of 'acquaintance' relationships (friends of friends). We didn't do anti-natal groups, but I have friends who did and still meet up a couple of times a month with the group (both men and women).

Thank you so much to all of you for your messages. I am so distraught over this - though obviously not showing it to him! - I just wish there was a magic fix.

@Bin85 I am sorry for the loss of your friend

He is self-employed, in quite a niche profession so it is difficult to find similar aged friends there. I will most definitely look into local NCT groups, I've had mixed reviews but will certainly give them a go if there's even a slightest chance DH could form a connection with someone there.

To the poster who suggested if he has sought help, he hasn't - yet - but I am trying to convince him. I don't think that he would ever act on anything as he is just so thoughtful of others, however I realise it's not worth risking; I am doing my best to get him to open up more to someone more impartial than I am.

He is also a big football fan but only to watch, will encourage him to join local footy club at weekends or something

Thanks again everyone for your comments, I am in tears writing this as I have been holding it in and not told anyone in RL. It's nice to get the support and suggestions without outing, which I think would make it worse! X