Was this me?
I’ve just had a super intense but short relationship end and I’m in bits. I don’t think I’ve been treated very well to be honest but I’m brilliant at endlessly seeing the good in others and the fault in myself so I’m not entirely sure.
It took an incidence of sexual assault to see my ex was abusive and even then after I ended things, I begged for her back!
I will try and summarise the best I can. For context both female. We got talking online and immediately really hit off, messaging constantly until the early hours, I was literally sat there laughing out loud. We met about a week later and that was basically it. I work shifts but we started spending every night I wasn’t at work together, staying up until the early hours talking and laughing, talking constantly in between. It was very intense. This was all very mutual if not even led by her more than me.
She was signed off from work and eventually confided in me this was due to a combination of MH problems. This didn’t bother me at all, I have my own experiences and I just wanted to support her. To be honest this made it even more intense, she had a panic attack when I was there once and I literally held her through it until things were better.
Looking back, I can see problems here already. It was very one sided in that I was doing all the driving (although she did offer fuel money and I had said it’s better at hers), rarely checked I’d had anything to eat, even things like cuddles and sex were quite one sided although when I brought up an occasion I felt rejected she was very apologetic and did seem more considerate the next day.
Said she wasn’t seeing anyone else. She started saying the loveliest things, kept saying how much she liked me, sent me a very sweet message saying she was crazy about me, didn’t want to be without me now and so on. All going very well - very intense, but I figured that would settle down in time. A couple of days after this message, I woke up from a nightshift to some messages from her saying she was having a strange day and was feeling very anxious. I asked why and she gave a list of reasons, one being worrying about not getting to see me when she is back at work. I offered some solutions and she suddenly said ‘I think you want more than me’ and ended it, saying she doesn’t want a relationship. Then her dog got very ill and had to spend the night at the vet. This obviously made her anxiety even worse. I was on a nightshift and just kind of kept her company through the night, she wasn’t up for talking much but I didn’t want her to feel alone so I sent the odd picture and stuff. She thanked me the next morning.
We talked a bit and arranged that I would go over that night. Later she cancelled and I said okay but I feel like the sooner we see each other, the sooner we can figure this out one way or another. She then said we need to end this. I called her and said can we talk about this? She said she needed some space. I was not very good at giving her space, I will take ownership of that. I was very anxious and panicky. Sent her a few messages calling her out on being scared about us getting close and later tried to just make light and be a bit happy.
Next day she rang me and had a bit of a go at me. I then left it. I was going to post her coat back and started to write a note as I felt bad sending it without anything but it got a bit long. I felt a long letter looked creepy so I messaged her instead, also felt I didn’t need to be waiting days for a reply. She messaged back and said hey do you want to talk about this. So she called me and we had a nice catch up, laughing etc like old times and kind of came to the conclusion we would take a step back and see what happens. Over the next few days she was still pretty off with me over messages. I mentioned this and asked what I could do to fix it. She was a bit shitty with me and said not to expect it to go back to normal right away. Next day we were chatting and it was fine, much more normal. I came across a meme which basically made references to anxiety when people don’t reply to you due to an abusive ex doing that as punishment. My ex was abusive and she knows this.
I sent it to her and said look this sums up why I get anxious when you don’t respond if things arent ‘right’ - obviously when they are, I don’t care how long it takes you to reply. We’re opposites with this, you need space whereas I want to fix things right away. Perhaps in the future you could just say, I need some space I’ll get back to you and then I’ll respect that and I won’t be so anxious. She absolutely flipped out, said I was accusing her of being abusive and saying she was punishing me, and blocked me on everything. I managed to get a message to her on a different platform apologising and said I didn’t mean that at all, I meant the opposite and I was just pointing this out to help us communicate. She just said she didn’t want to hear it and blocked me there too.
My brain is frazzled and I’m really quite upset by it all. I know I was too needy but within the context of the amount of communication we were having, i don’t think I was excessive. I feel trampled on, she did a massive u turn on everything she was saying then made me out to be in the wrong and then a massive overreaction and did not give me the opportunity to explain.
I’m going to arrange therapy as I can see this whole thing was quite unhealthy but yet all I want is her to unblock me, talk to me and things to go back to how they were a couple of weeks ago. I’m seeing this as being all my fault, I seem to find it impossible to think actually, this whole situation isn’t good and I’m better off without her.
Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain it properly. Thoughts on it all?