Not met his family...

[WheelyCote]

I keep playing this issue down but its obviously starting to keep me awake.

Ive nit met his family. They live diwn south so there is always an excuse but it has been years. I feel embarassed about this

We got together in 2018 and have split up a few times for a month or two but always come back together.

I love him and i believe he loves me. We have a life together that seems happy. I feel adored and people say we are really sweet together.

Ive always rationalised not meeting his family because of a cultural difference but when i say this out loud...it sound silly.

I found out recently that he lied to me about going to see his family. Im sad thst he felt the need to lie and cross that he lied. And confused about it, i dont get it. I want him to have a good relationship with them...id fully support it.

Im just baffled

You have not been together long and have an off on relationship. It sounds like he is keeping you away from his family and he hasn’t said he loves you.

I think your more invested in this relationship than he is.

Sorry weve been together since 2008 not 2018.
He does say he loves me

He doesnt know i know he lied. He said something that contradicted himself. I did the bad thing of looking at his phone which i hadnt done for many years.

Er, 2018 was just over three months ago? Maximum 15 months ago. And you've split up a few times during that period?

I don't think I'd be in a hurry to take anybody home in that situation.

Ahhhhh, 2008 makes much more sense, sorry!

I've been married for nearly 3 years and together over 8. I have not met his parents or brothers. It is not important to me now, what matters is how he feels about me.

The last split was in 2017 but back together by 2018. That was about us buying a house together, wed always rented but saved.

House was and is a doer upper, needed gutting...causd a fair bit of stress and arguments about money and time. He left.

The split before that was because his business went under and at same period my Dad died. He withdrew and was depressed understandably...hed worked hard. I was very close to my dad and was heartbroken when he passed. Needed dp but he wasnt there. Was me that split that time.

@QRcode, i didnt think it was important to me but its the lie i think thats got me

Do you mind me asking why you havent met his family?

DP has always said its because hes not close to them

@WheelyCote
Do you have children OP? Are you married (double checking though you said "DP")

If not, before you reach either of those steps I suggest you get yourself some counselling around where this relationship is going as you have broken up several times.

Maybe your DP would be prepared to attend with you for the same reason
but also for his depression
and being emotionally unavailable when your dad died.

The split before that was because his business went under and at same period my Dad died. He withdrew and was depressed understandably...hed worked hard. I was very close to my dad and was heartbroken when he passed. Needed dp but he wasnt there. Was me that split that time.

Sounds like the two of you have life stressors which you need to communicate better to each other and counselling may help with that.

Could he be ashamed of them?

@WheelyCote what are the cultural differences?

Sounds like the position with your house is the only reason you’re together.

@wheelycote He is not close to his parents, left home at 16 and sees them infrequently now. His mum makes more of an effort, but it's about 2/10 on a scale where his dad would be 0/10. We only lived 90 mins away until last year. However, he has never lied to me about seeing them (and apparently they even have one of our wedding photos in their living room!) In your shoes, where there has been dishonesty, I would wonder whether there was something more significant going on.

Have you ever wondered if they know you exist?

If it’s a cultural difference is it to an extent they’d reject you and/or disown him if they knew?

For so long a period of time it’s got to be either this or something along the lines of him being deeply ashamed of them for some reason or that his upbringing or past was wildly different to what he’s told you and you meeting them would blow that up.

Has he cut contact with his family because of abuse?
Find out the story before you push him into being in contact with them

QR i do woner if theres somethimg more significant

And even at the fact he couldnt tell me and lied in itself has mafe me uneasy

Blue yes i do wonder this and have asked him in the past.

He says of course thry do. Hesays not a close family

Comtesse he says that there is no issue culturally.

His brothers first wife was white and that they dont buy into any religion either so its stupid to think its cultural.

But its the only reason that makes sense to me.

Or like you suggested hes told me something that is not correct and doesnt want me to find out. It woukd have to be his childhood though as his friends havent met his family either

Blonde i stoped pushing to meet his family. After all these years if i was going to meet them i would have by now.

And your right theyre couldve been abuse or dysfunction. From what hes told me theres a bit of dysfunction.

I think its the lie thats bothered me most. I saw on his phone that it looks like thryre trying to keep in contact asking him to famiky get togethers. He sends presents to nephews and nieces which surprised me...im pleased he does. Why hide it though.

I havent told him ive looked at his phone and seen he lied. Not sure what it would gain and i dont have the appetite to look at his phone again. It was like he was a stranger or having a double life. Us and them.
All feels a bit uneasy

We never had kids together. His choice and i came with two. Hes raised them since they were 6 and 8 years old