Counselling - where do you start?

[fromnowhere]

I think I might need counselling.
I have issues with my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my husband and I feel like I have some unresolved shit from my childhood. I had a termination when I was younger and a miscarriage.
Generally I'm ok and pretty high functioning, but every time something happens I get very catastrophic about everything. I also have a general feeling that I'm not really happy with my life despite two wonderful children, a good job, loads of friends and a nice husband. I feel lonely, and ashamed, but I'm not sure why.
I also binge eat in secret and have a lot of negative feelings/anxiety. I have no idea what's wrong and how to start working it out?
Anyone who has had counselling, does it help? And how do I access it? Looked at a private company near my work that was £130 for 50 minutes and they want you to have weekly sessions! Any suggestions? I live in south east London. Thank you.

I would start here: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/adv-search.html

You can filter them down so you find a few therapists that specialise in what you're looking for. Then decide on if you'd prefer a male or female therapist and just email a few explaining your issues and see what they come back with.

I went privately last year and it helped me with many of the same issues as you have; I'm NC with my parents, childhood issues and my DP (now ex) was a massive issue. It helped me implement strategies and build up my esteem again. I found mine on the counselling directory, don't be afraid of changing counsellor if at the first session you don't gel. I was lucky that I felt immediately comfortable with my counsellor. Good luck x

BACP could be worth contacting here too.

Do interview such people at length before deciding to go with any particular counsellor. Counsellors are like shoes and you need to find someone who will fit in with your approach.

Can relate to a lot of what you said some 40 years ago.
Don't wait that long.
Counselling did not help me as it just focussed on the problems.

But CBT was great.
6 sessions on the NHS
Also there is INSIGHT and TALKING THERAPY

All free

Good luck

WPF therapy- they may be trainees though The most important thing is to have a therapist you click with. Also what type of therapy- delve into past or tackle current problems? Most will do both but CBT is more now focused.

Thanks all for your comments and suggestions, I really appreciate it.
I'm actually a very positive, confident, reasonably successful person. I have friends and a great life. I just can't shake this feeling, when something bad happens, I can't see any positivity.
I think I've brushed so many experiences under a psychological rug over the years that it's having some sort of effect even if on the surface I'm doing really well. I hope that makes sense?
I feel like I need a professional to dig around in my psyche and help me work out what's causing my unhappiness/negativity
Anyone else had this experience where their friends/family would be shocked at them seeking out therapy but they really felt that they needed some help?

As a PP said, I would consider CBT as a first port of call. It is very good for controlling anxious/catastrophsing thoughts.

My son suffers from this quite a bit - when something doesn't go as planned, especially if it's something he feels he's cocked up, he goes into a spiral of self-hatred. "Nothing ever goes right for me", "I fuck up everything I do", "I always ruin everything", "I'm so stupid, I can't get anything right." Thank his birth parents for this :( The latest episode of this culminated in him breaking his hand to the point where he's unlikely to regain full use of it.

Please don't let things get that bad for you. You can break these negative thought patterns, but only if you recognize that they are happening, and take control over them.

You can self-refer for CBT online via the NHS website. Although seeing a practitioner face to face is undoubtedly better. But in your area could be ridiculously costly.

I think I've brushed so many experiences under a psychological rug over the years that it's having some sort of effect even if on the surface I'm doing really well.

Yes. If you keep chucking corpses down a well, eventually the water will become poisoned.

I think the Stately Homes thread on the Relationship board would also help you.

." Thank his birth parents for this :(

THIS is so sad.
Hope it all works out.

Back to OPs last post. I was like this and felt like a failure and didn't want people to know I wasn't coping in case it changed their view of me. Also people mean well but I have had:

But you seem to cope so well!"
"You look fine on the outside"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Why aren't you happy?"

Some comments aren't very helpful . You don't need to give details, you could just say "I'm having low feelings and I've started counselling to help me work through it".

Good luck finding your happier you

Thank you @Robin2323. We are getting there.

OP do you have a problem asking for help and support? Would it be frowned upon by your family?

Giving the appearance of coping with everything and just "ploughing through" is a big indicator of co=dependence.

Sorry to hear about your son NotTheFord.
I hope he's getting help for his problems, it sounds like he's lucky to have you.

I don't suffer from lack of self esteem, but for example, if a friend is a bit off with me, I go straight to thinking that we're not real friends, they don't really care about me, then by extrapolation, are any of my friends 'real', who do I have in my life who really 'gets' me etc and so on.... Usually a bit of distraction and a good nights sleep will shake this, but sometimes the feelings stay with me for a day or two.

I don't deal well with criticism, or even perceived criticism. I feel attacked, unloved and I shut down and again feel very negative. If I manage to take on board the criticism, I still take it personally, and tend to feel like a tortured martyr for a while (trying to stop this).

My parents (DM in particular) are very critical, and I've realised recently, quite controlling. I've wondered if this is why I struggle with confrontation and criticism as an adult? It's hard to know really.

I definitely couldn't tell my parents about this. I wouldn't want them to worry, but also, there isn't a culture of asking for help in my family. I pride myself on being self-sufficient, but I think it's also a way of keeping everyone at arms length. I have trouble with real intimacy with anyone. If I have an argument with my husband I fantasize about divorce and living alone. I love him and I know he loves me but a lot of the time I don't think he likes me.

Sorry for the essay, that's just a taster of the constant anxiety I have when I think about any of my relationships with other people. Maybe CBT is a good place to start! Thank again all!

After your last update definitely try CBT
your inner voice - like mine makes up stuff.
I now make up stuff with a positive spin.
People do like me.
He / she relies on me.
This calms down the spiral of negative chat.
Hey it's better to listen to that than the other junk I could tell myself.
My dad was the critical one.
But looking back I can see he suffer anxiety and loved me very much ( counselling dud help with that )

Does your work offer an employee support programme? I had six sessions of counselling for free through that which I found really helpful when I separated from my husband. It was great just to let it all out and she gave me some things to think about between sessions.
Also if money is tight perhaps see if any counselling trainees need practice sessions? When my friend trained as a counsellor (which took YEARS!) she had to do loads of practice.
Best of luck xx

Also see if your local area offers CBT online for free through the NHS - it’s called Silvercloud or something like that.
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Xx

NotTheFordType I'm so sorry for your son, that's devastating. Yes I do, and no they wouldn't, to answer both your questions. Thank you, I will look at codependence.

Would family therapy help you?

OP - good luck working things out

If you go on Counselling Directory and start in your area you might find someone who does a low cost or free introductory session.

There's thousands on there who do. If they say they're not the best person to help you at the end of an intro session then they can refer you on.