ExH is a c*nt

[xWholeLottaRosiex]

This will be a ramble so apologies. My ExH has done his usual again and I suppose realistically I am unsure how best to deal with him long-term as I am so fed up with this pattern. There is SO much backstory to this one that I won't bore everyone with but this man has put me through years and years of abuse; broken bones, emotional abuse, financial abuse. It really does just go on & on. But he's not my problem anymore, for the most part! Anyway, to the point:

Was with my ExH from age of 14-23, divorced now around 8 years after there was a "final straw" incident so I just had to pack a couple of black bags and hoof it to my mums for a year until I could get myself sorted with a new place etc. We have two DC aged 9 & 10. Over the years I have always done everything I could to ensure contact was kept (where possible, there have been episodes where social services stopped him seeing the kids due to violence to myself after we split, and also DV with newer partners. He has been through relevant rehab/counselling/medication for MH since and seems a more stable person. The drinking was always his main catalyst).
He was a horrible husband but on the whole, a decent father in terms of maintaining contact when he could, and I never had any concerns he would hurt the kids. The general pattern we have maintained is that he has the kids at weekends. We are fairly flexible in that if he has plans, I would just keep them the weekend nights he wasn't free etc and if I was going away for the weekend (as an example) he would keep the kids to maybe dinner time on the Sunday. However, over the years it has become a control thing with him. If he knows I have specific plans, he will wait until the 11th hour and all of a sudden he isn't able to have the kids. This obviously upsets my plans, and upsets the kids. My son (10) isn't overly arsed about seeing his dad but my DD (9) thinks the sun shines out of him

So, this weekend coming is my birthday weekend. He didn't have the kids at all last weekend as he wasn't free (moving into his third new flat this year. He is nearly 40 and doesn't have so much as a pot to piss in - the kids stay with him at his gf's house at weekends). Anyways, no big deal for me, the kids and I spent a lovely weekend doing fun things. But when he cancelled last wknd, he said he would have them all this weekend to "make it up to them" ( full weekend for us translates to Fri & Sat night, pick up Sun afternoon). I made plans accordingly for my birthday. Now he messages to say he can only have them on Saturday night, dropping off at "x" time and collecting again at "x" time on Sun morning (super early so no hangover lie in for me). I'm enraged. When I told him that he can't just go changing plans on me when he knows its my birthday and I will have made plans he accused me of being a selfish tw@t and that "I was doing my usual and throwing a strop when I hear something I don't like" - I mean, who would like it?! Surely it's normal to be annoyed when someone changes plans?! Anyways, I told him to take a flying f@ck to himself, that I would happily keep the kids this weekend and that he wasn't doing me any favours by having them for a select period of time of his choosing. Then he blocked me on WhatsApp so I couldn't even respond to his nonsense I got sent after that.

This man hasn't paid any maintenance in 8 years, and all I ask is that he feeds the kids once or twice a week. He hasn't bought them so much as a pencil for school, or a pair of socks in 8 YEARS! (he has a whole list of MH issues so doesn't do "real" work I can chase via CSA, although I do know he does cash in hand work that I never see a penny of, or can prove exists)

I personally think he should consider himself lucky to have any contact with them at all but he doesn't see that. He thinks that as I have a lot of free weekends, I should kiss his feet and give him a medal. I would LOVE to tell him to just disappear, but the kids would be gutted (well, my DD would be), and it would rock the boat massively. Although I got myself out of the situation with him all of those years ago, I do know what he is capable of, and I do what I can generally for us to just bumble along civilly. But its just becoming such a pattern that I wish he would get hit with a bus

I think you have been more than generous. SS are not known for being super cautious and preventing contact and he is messing the kids around just so he can control you.

Claim through CSA, it will only be a £5 a weeks but it’s better that money goes to your kids.

Title of this thread is appropriate. Approved!

You're doing great, well done

Get CSA involved on the money front for starters.

On the access front there isn't much you can do unfortunately...even with a court order in place it can still be flouted as I've discovered. My resolve now is that any/all plans I make have to include DS that way if his twunt of a father does let us down it doesn't impact plans.

Exactly what Mum4 said, he enjoys you kicking off, loves the fact that he can fuck with your plans and is still trying to exercise control over you in any pathetic way he can. So the solution is not to allow what he does to have any impact on your life, make plans which accommodate the possibility he will bail at the last minute and remove his ability to wind you up.

He will be gutted when all he receives in response to him changing plans is 'ok, no probs' instead of hearing how he's fucked up your weekend. He's enjoying the power he has over your plans so you need to take that power away from him.

Mine too, WholeLottaRosie, mine also says something like "throwing a strop when you hear something you dont like". There must be textbook they get it from.

KOKO, and fuck that guy. 👍

Exactly, hiding.

Loose plans when he's taking the kids (e.g. cafe, walk, non urgent shopping etc). Firm plans? Babysitter. Take away the last of his power to annoy.

Always always use reverse psychology on cunts

"fantastic! I can't wait to have them on my birthday weekend - probably best I just keep them for the whole time- let's think about when you have them again another time"

A lot of good points there about not letting him know it annoys me. I must admit I do bite when he does it, which can only be feeding his control issues. I did tell him to F Off this for this weekend when he told me his availability on the Saturday, but only after I had railed at him about being a nobhead first

Re. CSA - he literally has not done any taxable work for 9+ years, it was a major issue during our marriage that he could never hold down a job and he has never changed. I know he does cash-in-hand work but CSA cannot pursue him for those earnings and I don't believe they can make him pay maintenance out of his benefits (although maybe I am wrong on that front?)

They do make people pay from their benefits, £7 a week. You might think it's not worth the effort but it's the principle of it and also something HE can't control!

I have learnt to not react AT ALL when ex tries to ruin my plans, it totally takes the fun out of it for them! I would've just replied really calmly "no problem, we'll sort something out soon when the kids are free. At least I can spend my birthday weekend with them now 😊"

I remember my ex doing this for a while after we split, thankfully he grew out of it. It's a way that he can still control you and piss you off.

As others have said, have a back up plan in place for important plans, try to make plans that can involve the kids so you're not all at a loose end when the twat lets you down and under no circumstances ever let him know that he's inconvenienced you....'aww brilliant I'm so pleased the kids can join in with my plans, I'll let you know when you can next have them.'

Don't dance to his tune.

I know it goes against usual advice but I actually wouldn't bother with the money issue, doesn't sound like it will get you anything other than more frustration. He basically needs to become a non-issue in your life, as much as that's possible with DC in common. Rely on him for nothing, react as little as possible to whatever he does and make him the nonentity he deserves to be, he will hate that

Do what @ems137 said. Claim the £7 a week. It might not be worth it in £ but removes some control and it's the principle of the thing. And use ems text as a template for future. It'll piss him right off.

@hidingtonothing Now that I know they can deduct from his benefits it leaves me confused what to do, but I probably sway more to your way of thinking. I stopped even asking him to contribute to things like school uniforms for new term, football boots etc years ago as it was a waste of breath. I remember one year I asked him to buy the kids new coats for school starting back and I would get everything else (as everyone knows, its not cheap!) He agreed, but I had to ask him at least 10 times in the run-up to school starting if he had bought them yet. He showed up the DAY BEFORE school went back with a Sports Direct bag with 2 x £8 rain jackets that you could have spat through. Well, I told him to shove them where the sun doesn't shine and bought the bloody things myself. I learnt after that not to even ask him to contribute as he again sees it as something to lord over me, as if he is doing ME a favour

Obviously, if CSA could make the deduction automatically it takes that headache out of it, but it is again something he could lord over me. He would be shouting from the rood top that he supports his kids, I just know it. It sounds terribly petty but at least I can legitimately tell the kids or anyone else who asked (should the kids ever ask in the future, I would never volunteer the info) that their dad did not contribute financially. I would rather be able to hold that little candle of pride than have to say "yes he did" (To the tune of £28 per month )

Agree with the short responses such as ok.

Also if he is claiming unemployment benefits they can take it straight from his benefits. It used to be about £5 per week.

Is normally say ‘go via cms and claim a few quid if you can’ but I think he’d simply not pay and try and use it to control you. I’d not bother

As for plans, can you find a reliable babysitter? Use this person as a back up plan if he lets you down. Or arrange plans that can accommodate the dc. It won’t be forever, they will soon be old enough to enable you to go out, and it’s soooooo worth it to remove his grip on you. As others have said, a simple ‘ok’ when he cancels will drive him mental. You can then use the babysitter or take the dc. I used to play a game with my ex, and reply with the shortest sentence or word possible. It’s amazing the amount of things you can reply to using only the letter ‘k’

Try not to lose your rag with him, he’ll be delighted to know he’s annoyed and spoilt your plans

Well, I think it's fair to say we all agree with the title of your post!

Agree that you need to stop letting him know how fucked off you are; it will just encourage him to carry on being such a dick.

One my friend's ex-DH acts like this too, purely to wind him up. Infuriating, but if you want him to maintain contact with the kids I can't see what you can do. Other than the good advice above; if you've made definite plans, get a baby-sitter (if you can afford it). If you are happy to cancel loose plans, just tell him you're glad they have at least one parent who is happy to spend time with them.

Poor kids. Sounds like you are being fab and fighting their corner for them and he is just a dick.

I would never show irritation if he cancels and I would never share any of my plans. This seems to be one way of stopping him exerting control.

Also, put a maintenance claim in for your children's sake.

Sorry OP. He is a cunt. Try to manage him and keep him at arm's length.