I called him after a few drinks! God damn it!!

[Lillycake]

No excuse, I know! Please don't shout! I'm feeling a little delicate.
No contact for 8 months (He sent a couple of messages to me at Christmas but apart from that...).
I wasn't with him long (9 months) however he was the first person I had met since my divorce. I dated on and off for 7 years previous to meeting him. He met my dc's and things appeared to be going ok.
One evening he was showing me something on his phone and a message popped up from a woman. It was an uncomfortable moment. He quickly took his phone away. I questioned his behaviour and he admitted he had been chatting to someone. Someone he dated before me. I felt instantly hurt. He explained it was only chatting as he 'gets lonely'. I asked for how long and he told me about 3 months.
I hadn't been in a relationship in a long time. Was this a form of betrayal?! All I knew is I felt it was hurtful. He left that night and didn't try to contact me again!
It was over. He said sorry but for months after all I wanted was for him to pick up the phone and tell me he had made a mistake and he was truly sorry. He didn't!
Christmas time (6 months later) sent some messages about how we had a lovely time and he still has photos of us etc. I did reply and wished him happy Christmas.
Then....stupidly, I called him a couple of weeks ago. He didn't pick up. It was late. The next day he messaged and we exchanged a few messages back and forth then I get a friend request on Facebook. He explained he was a fool. He has given lots of compliments. I thought that's all I needed was for him to say sorry. However, he messages every day. Now I feel very anxious. It took me a long time to get over him. I know it was my fault for calling him.
I guess what I am asking is what you think I should do? I don't want to get hurt. I missed him every day. Going back to something that didn't work in the first place is a mistake?

He was chatting to another woman.

Keep telling yourself that op.

You're boosting his ego. He sounds awful
Just notch it up to being drunk....We've all been there. However stop ✋ communication with him. Everytime you respond it boosts his ego.

Yeah stop texting him, it isn't doing you any favours and the reasons it ended before will still be there.

Having said that, I'm probably not the best to give advice as I recently texted an old flame and I am driving myself mad wondering why he has read my messages but not replied

We've all been there (so cringe). However men have massive egos so it's all taken as an ego boost and thinking they're irresistible to us whereas if I have messages from ex's I assume they're having relationship problems and need validation. That's the difference between men and women.

Find yourself something else to think about!

Thankyou everyone!
I have found it so hard getting over this guy. At times I was so annoyed at myself for trying but failing. Obviously it's not as hard now compared to the beginning.
You're right! I am just giving him more ammunition to repeat his behaviours.
I have even tried dating again. I feel nothing! It's strange how one person can have such a hold over you.

I've done it many times in the past!

What I needed to hear was brutal but helped me. A friend told me (after some wine!) that the guy I'd been hurt by, who was still on my mind a year later, could have contacted me via social media, phone etc, but chose not to because frankly, he was just not that into me. That woke me up. Did I really want that? Did I want to lower myself? No.

I suggest you have a think about what's important to you. You deserve so much better.

You called him and he didn’t pick up because it was later....I suspect he was also with someone else at the time....then when he was on his own he contacted you. Stay away.

Late not later

Exactly! If someone wants to be with you they will be with you. That's all I wanted was for him to pick up the phone but clearly he didn't. I was not going to contact him. However, he has now been in contact but truthfully would he have if I hadn't called him. I tell myself probably not!!
I don't even know what I am actually thinking. He hasn't even asked to meet anyway. I'm assuming... so no, I'm not doing myself any favours.
I have accepted his friend request now. What do I do if he texts? Ignore? Or tell him that I think it's a bad idea us messaging?
Oh god this is hard!

Just ignore. Block him on everything. Out of sight, out of mind.

You are doing the right thing and will feel so much better about it.

He's the first one after your divorce. The idea of a rebound relationship is corny but spot on not far from the truth. I have the badge to prove it too :)

Onwards and upwards, no looking back. Block him to avoid temptation. He'd just disappoint you again.

no advice but me and my best friend used to joke about sellotaping our phones and keyboards to the ceiling/posting them to ourselves via next day courier before drinking. There were a few times we really should have done it!

He sounds like an opportunist, and a dick OP. Hence texting at xmas (lonely time if year/free time, texting another woman when it was on offer, re-investing with you a bit now that you've bitten - when he was hardly begging to be with you before now, was he .

I think you do yourself a disservice by suggesting he has a hold over you- he doesn't- he was cracking on to another woman, you ended it and mostly stayed away. He's got nothing over you, you may have an emotional need that speaking to him feels like it fulfils but that's not the same at all.

Focus on yourself, don't beat yourself up. Not clicking with anyone or fancying dating only means you aren't ready or wanting to date right now, it doesn't mean its because you really like him or that he's some sort of opportunity.- he just sounds a bit pathetic tbh, and you clearly need and deserve more.

I'd stop worrying about what he thinks, he didn't care about what you might think when he was looking elsewhere? Delete him on Facebook, justify nothing to him, try to stop worrying what it will all seem like to him. Others are spot on to say that each time you do, or each time you reply you boost his ego and in return affect your self esteem.

Delete and block OP, delete his number, start doing yourself favours!

Wow! Thankyou! All of a sudden I feel empowered.
I don't even know why I wanted him to be sorry, to want me back. I think maybe for my own validation which is selfish of me really. I thought that this was him maybe wanting me back but its not, he hasn't mentioned it. Yes, he is a bit of an arse. Now you have put it that way, I see it!

Oh God OP 0- I know exactly how you feel.

I am much in the same situation - but was so upset that I had counselling and I would still have him back in a heartbeat- was managing not to stay in touch all the time and then this morning I sent a message. If I am being honest I did think about it and knew that the best thing to do was probably not send it - but I did :(

If feel so much as if i have let myself down

Don't be his backup option OP. You can do better.

I bet he’s doing to some other woman exactly what he was doing to you. Leave him be.

Why are you acting powerless! You chose to contact him, you chose to accept his friend request and you are choosing to give him so much headspace. Until you realise and accept that your attachment to this guy says more about a void you’re desperately trying to fill then it does about him, you will be forever be making excuses to let him back into your life.