How do you help your teenager when their heart hurts?

[whowouldwanttobe14]

Just that. My DS is 14 and has had weekend plans cancelled by the girl he really likes. They spent time together last weekend for the first time and he had a really good time (parents there, but the first time as just the two of them without the gang of friends) and made more plans for this weekend. But she has said she's not ready.

He is gutted and I just don't know what to say or do. I've told him the best thing he can do is respect her decision and stay friendly, not to act annoyed, or ignore her, etc.

He was laughing and joking with his friend early about having a girlfriend (or rather the friend was) and I'm sure part of his hurt is that he's embarrassed, and in his words "what was the point?"

I know there really isn't much I can do, but I feel helpless.

This parenting stuff is so bloody hard

My then 15 year old was absolutely besotted with his girlfriend of a few months. He was really upset for about 1-2 days when she split up with him but was fine remarkably quickly imo. A few months after he fell in love with his present girlfriend so we will see. I think they recover quite quickly and after all they've got a massive pool of single and baggage free people to choose from.

It is really hard when they are too old to protect from the world.
On a positive note at that age things change so quickly he's likely to forget before you do. Making their favourite treats as a distraction always makes ME feel like I'm doing something to make it ever so slightly better.

Can you do something fun together this weekend instead?

And just give him lots of extra love in whatever way tends to land best with him :)

When DSS has moments like this I try to remember to appreciate them as well as the good moments – they're the beginning of a whole new learning curve and a chance to have new kinds of conversations together...

Always hard to see them hurting, and also kind of amazing, too, to get to watch them grow in new ways.

I would love to do something with him, but I can't get him to hang out with me at the best of times! Ex is going to take him out tomorrow night for a while, (DS and I were meant to be taking a relative out for dinner, but I'll just go alone and let him go with his dad). He is staying with his dad on Friday which is when she was to come over. I'll suggest cinema or shopping on the Sat, but won't hold my breath.

I do hope it passes quickly. But I'm really wary of patronising him. I'm worried he's going to spend the school holidays on a downer. Although he has a trip away with his sports club, so hopefully that helps

"What can I do to help you feel better?" is a really useful question. He's 14 - let him feel he's leading the conversation/activity rather than you going "Let's do this darling and mummy will make you feel better."

My DS has PTSD and depression and this was the most valuable piece of advice his counsellor gave me. "Let him tell you what he needs, not what you think he ought to want." Even if what he needs is to go hang out with his friends, which can feel rejecting.

It's an awful feeling when your child is suffering and you feel helpless. But this kind of emotional pain is an inevitable part of life and in a way it's good that he's experiencing it at a fairly early age. Because each break up makes you stronger IME. Because it teaches you that you will survive.

Yes, that's seems good advice @NotTheFordType but I do think he'll tell me there's nothing.

As I was saying goodnight after our chat, I said "see you in the morning". His reply was "hopefully not". His sense of humour can be sarcastic at times (and adorably childish at others!) but my god, it just brought home to me how awful being a teenager can be and that you just never really know what they are thinking.

I just hope his friends don't make a big joke of it.

Any further advice from those of you who have been here and done this would be much appreciated.

I dreaded waking him this morning because I knew how he'd forget for those first few moments and then be gutted again

Thanks.