Child 'custody' options

[maskingtherealme]

50/50 is what my husband wants BUT I believe he only wants that because he's under the illusion he won't pay maintenance. He said he never envisaged being a family man so it surprises me. Plus he lives 11 miles away or thereabouts and it takes 30 minutes to get from their house to where our child's school is due to the road network layout.

Personally I want full custody whereas he has them alternating weekends Friday through to Sunday. But I work 3 days a week and currently my husband takes the eldest to breakfast club and picks up from after school club whilst I do the same with the youngest to the childminder. Come September, the youngest starts school too.

I cannot get my children to breakfast club for 7:30am due to the time I HAVE to leave for work. So 50/50 is looking like the more 'workable' option.

I am inquiring to see if the few childminders there are have space for Thursday and Friday morning only and if so, I know I can hand on heart say I can cope with full custody.

Also I am not comfortable my children being in a household where:

1. Their father was violent towards me in October which was witnessed by our youngest. He grabbed me, pushed me and consequently I was left with five bruises on my arm.
2. The 'Bunny Boiler' that he had the 7 year affair with 'attempted suicide' by scratching her arms and telling him about what she has done which lured him back and according to him, needed a GP to check her over at home (although I believe this to be a lie as he was actually going over to be with her rather than end it as he SWORE on his children's lives).
3. The bunny boiler claimed he was 'emotionally and physically abusive' towards her.

Certainly NOT the role models I want for my children.

Any advice and words of wisdom welcomed!

Also, my seven year old asked when he was going to see the bunny boiler. I asked him if he wants to and he said yes. I know I have to at some point (it's only been a week!) so I said week beginning April 15th which is the second week of Easter - and limiting it to a day out somewhere. BUT she is NEVER to set foot on this property ever again.

Maybe change your working hours to fit in with your kids ?
Also referring to another woman as a bunny boiler is not gonna help your kids to feel comfortable with her . This would be massively frowned upon in court .
It sounds from your post that’s there’s a lot of animosity towards your ex - that’s fine - but if the courts think you use this to influence the kids then you will not come off with the outcome you want .
I personally don’t think 50/50 care is good for kids as they are always to and fro. But I’m sure someone will tell you it works for them.
Realistically- you won’t get all the control over access/custody - it will be decided on what is deemed best for the kids - not what suits you or their dad .

Are your kids old enough to understand what cheating is? Have they met the OW before?

I just saw it was a 7 year affair...Good Lord.

Sounds like the kids may have met her during that time?

What a messed up situation for them... not your fault of course.

Did you report the violence last October?

What you propse is the norm.

So I would go ahead with your plans for arranging you rwork hours then calmly tell him to take it to court.

Did you report the violence? If not, you don't really have a hope of citign that now as a reason to limit contact. However, I would focus on the stability aspect. If he's moved out and you're staying in the home, then it's less disruptive for them to stay with you, and if they are nursery age, you being primary carer so far is relevant.

He is likely to not get 50/50.

Tip: stop using the word "custody" - stop even thinking it. Your kids are not things to be possessed or controlled.

Stop thinking about what you want and what he wants. Instead think "what is in the best interests of the children?"

Your children have the right to a secure and safe home environment. They have a right to an ongoing relationship with both parents.

50:50 is rarely in the best interests of the children, who often find the disruption of life spread between two households stressful. It can sometimes work but it's more likely that a standard pattern of residence in one household with EOW visits to the other will be better for them.

You may need to adjust your working pattern. Such a big decision should not be made on the basis of a shift pattern. Sort out what is best for the kids and fit in work around that.

You need to stop thinking of your kids as possessions or pawns in your dispute with your ex. It seems you would rather pay child-minders than give it to him having reasonable access to his kids.
If you turn this into a dispute , the only ones who will really suffer are the kids.
Also those saying 50:50 split doesn't work, are also those who would assume that they would be with the kids more than not. I doubt they would have the same answer if it meant they were only seeing their kid a few days a week.
Finally I doubt maintenance is a consideration, as looking after the kids will be more expensive than what he would be paying you.

Lotntonget through.
First that’s why I used the inverted commas around the word ‘custody’ because that IS what is was called when I was a child and given my emotional turmoil (see below) my mind is a blank.

My kids are 7 and 4. And absolutely NOT have I ever used that term in front of her. I simply use her first name I am not dumb enough to poison my kids mind against her.

The OW is, or was, a very good friend. She’s a colleague of STBXH and she and her husband (they split two years ago - long story) used to do everything with us and she continued to do so afterwards too. Dinners out, day trips, each other’s houses, STBXH also did DIY jobs when her husband left, holidays, weeelend breaks - she was like a sister to me and an aunt to the children. She also flirts a lot, flaunts her body (example is she stripped to her thongs and bra in front of STBXH last year when weighing herself, she’s inappropriate etc) I just trusted my husband because she knew what she was like but also a good friend. I had always had to defend them (stupidly) when people question the relationship. Last year people could not work our who was the wife!

So yep, hate her, she’s a bunny boiler and days before my husband ended our relationship, she had actually turned done a guy she was dating whonhad left his wife and kids for her! She was texting me about hotdogs for the kids on the Sunday KNOWING she had literally just asked my STBXH to be with her! Since then I have found out that it has went from the other day when things started to October 2018 to two years ago and written PROOF that it has been seven years in which: he promised her the world, bought her flowers, couldn’t live without her AND WISHED ME DEAD - that’s from him!

So yep, forgive me for calling her a bunny boiler cos she is!

Unless there's a good reason why not, the court favours 50/50 - this doesn't necessarily mean no maintenance but it often does. If you can make 50/50 work then it's good for the kids. The anger isn't good for them though. Take proper legal advice, but it would have the idea in your head that this will be the case

Oh and noncannot change my days as I am part time teacher and it would affect the other half of my week. She has childcare to arrange too and that’s the reason why she works thendays she does

Go for something in between. He has Wednesday evening till Friday after school, following week Wed evening till Saturday evening.