Gifting money to exert control

[NCKitten]

I'll try to keep it brief. DH has always had a somewhat tricky relationship with his father. FIL means well but is a rubbish communicator and can be very abrasive, if not outright bullying. In recent years their relationship has improved tremendously, but FIL likes to gift us money as a way of controlling us- influencing our lives. We were happy to accept money when we were expecting our DC, as SIL had received the same amount when she had DC. He wanted to give us money for a house deposit for Christmas in 2016. When we tried to politely refuse on the grounds that we don't want his money we wouldn't be able to save any money ourselves so felt bad taking it, he got very annoyed and insisted we should accept anyway. Then 18 months ago I wrote our car off in a stupid parking accident (no one was hurt and it was incredibly unfortunate the car had to be written off). FIL insisted on buying us a new car, but also insisted he wanted to have a say in which one. DH agreed without speaking to me about it. He put me down, lectured us on the need to be financially responsible (seemed to think my dad had paid for our car and we still owed him for it, which was nonsense) and was horrid to his wife the entire day. The whole experience left me feeling rotten and humiliated.

Yesterday, DH was involved in a car accident for which the other party was entirely to blame. FIL has already been enquiring about the car and whether it can be repaired. Neither I nor DH want him to buy a new car if our current one is written off. Tellingly, DH said "I hope he doesn't offer to buy a new car". I said we can say no, but it is very difficult. FIL is visiting this Friday because they're in the area anyway, and I have a strong suspicion there will be an offer of (money for) a new car. When I've asked DH what he is going to say if this happens, he deflects the issue by saying things like FIL won't offer before we've heard from the insurance or that we won't know whether the car is being written off by then. I am not convinced by this at all, and FIL is quite dominant in conversation and you easily find yourself agreeing to things without having had a chance to think them through. Annoyingly, we don't have much money going spare, which means the money would come in handy. It just always comes with strings attached and FIL is offended if you try to refuse it (he's very wealthy and I think he is used to money getting him what he wants). So, long story short: how do we say no, given that FIL knows we can't really afford a new car and will be annoyed if we don't want his money, and the history of him domineering us.

To clarify: we don't want the money because it will reinforce a negative dynamic in which FIL sees DH and me as incapable of being proper grownups and he will be deeply unpleasant about it. I am not convinced he wants to help, I think it's more about throwing his money and weight about.

It may be that you have to decide a. accept it and the stress that goes with it b. not accept it and be less stressed. In the long term, agree where this is going to stop. You can very easily say no e.g. we will think about it. Thank and decline. Keep in your mind all the ties that come with any offer to help. It's also the guilt that comes later in life when they are even more belligerent and moany

Surely the other drivers insurance will pay for a replacement?

@sconesandtea if only it were that easy to delay... He really can be very abrasive and insistent. Will suggest it to DH as a strategy though.

@caselgarcia our insurance would be replacing the car, and our policy only covers the value of the car when the accident happened, not what FIL we paid for it. Might see if their legal department can try to claim the difference from the other driver's insurance (they're already going for the costs of the car seat etc)

I'm a little confused, your car will have depreciated in the 18 months you've had it, so of course you will not receive the amount FIL paid for it. But you will receive the value of the car written off. So why can't you use that money to buy another car?

We can and we will, but it will probably not be enough to buy a car that is suitable for our needs.

I suppose you'll have balance getting a less suitable car or being dominated by your FIL. I know what I would choose.

It probably will be enough. Make the break, I did with my parents who also used emotional blackmail of giving me money (under the guise of we need to get rid of it now to lessen inheritance tax). Now they can’t say anything to me about needing money/having to come up to see them etc.

@cherrysoup - I think we'd get £2k-2.5k and we need a five door with a sizeable boot. Please let me know if you know where to get these

Just say no, in a polite way ie thank you for your kind offer, but we are responsible adults who want to pay our way and don't want to take money which you have earned for your retirement. Be firm and consistent. Your FIL will ultimately respect you for it.

What isn't acceptable is to keep accepting money because you find it useful to supplement your lifestyle, and then whinge about it.

I didn't understand how two people allow themselves to be bulldozed. What is hard about saying. "Thanks fill, it's a very kind offer but we prefer to choose our own car"?

You've taken money for a house, then you took money for a new car, now you need another car to replace the one you damaged. If you keep taking the money, there isn't any point in complaining about the strings which come with it. Either say "no we'll get our own car" or take the money,, but don't take it and then complain later .

How does your life style and future plans (more kids) stack up when compared to your actual income? It sounds like you need financial planning advice more than anything.

Just don't get into it with him. Breezily say oh, the insurance is sorting it, no need to worry. Thanks though.

But if you want the money, then you either say, we will gladly take your money, but we'll choose, thanks, (and deal with the fall out) Or you suck up the strings and smile politely and get the car he suggests. I can't see any other options.

You don’t seem to understand how car insurance works . If your car was an 18 month old Astra model XY then your insurance payout will be enough to buy another Vauxhall Astra model XY of a similar age and mileage, minus your excess.

If it not then go back to them and tell them. They will be able to identify such a car within that budget.

As this accident was not your husband fault, you will get the excess back from the other party’s insurer and it will be marked as a no fault claim.

No one can “ insist “ you take money from anyone. Your husband is taking it because he wants to.

You don’t have a FIL problem, you have a husband problem.

So .... the problem is, after years of complaining about receiving this money..... This time you want his money? And feel like because if the complaining you'll feel a bit hypocritical?

Well. Time to put your big girl pants on and scoot off to autotrader /wherever and find a car that will do the job.

Or take his money again.... (which is what you want because you want a nicer car than you can afford)

So, do what you want.

We can't make you feel better for taking his money thus time, just because this time you actually want it.

What Imogen said.
You should get more or less the same car ou had before the other one was written off.

If you want a new car that's different and if you do want new car you'll either hve to arrange to pay for it by installments or take the FiL's money. You obviously really want it.

He sounds like a generous bloke to be fair.

For goodness'sake, of course you can buy a 5 foot car with a big boot for £2500 or less. I don't know where you are in the country but I've just searched on Autotrader for 5 door cars under £2500 using my own postcode, Nd it returned over 420,000 results. If I narrow the search down to trade sellers only and cars costing between £1,000 and £2,500, its over 9,500 results. If I then add a filter for within 50 miles of me, it's still over 4,500 results. You can add further filters for mileage, age of car, gearbox, engine size, etc.

It is perfectly possible for you to find a family car for this price, though it wont be a new one. If you want a newer/better car than you can get for £2,500, you could look into a personal loan to make up the difference. But you don't actually need to, and you certainly don't need to take money from FIL if you don't want to. If you want the better car without a loan, and without the strings attached to FIL's behaviour, however, you may have to reconcile yourself to one of those inconveniences.

5 door car!

Wow, I thought the replies on the relationships forum would be a bit more sympathetic... To address a few points: I do understand how car insurance works. When I wrote off our previous car, we got £1000 from the insurance. We had paid £1500 for that car. The car that was in the accident a few days ago cost £3800 when we got it. I anticipate we will get £2500 for it, which is not enough to buy an equivalent car. To emphasise, this was a no fault accident (for the poster who thinks we crashed it).

I am not taking any money and then whining about it, I am asking how to say no and deal with the fallout. We do not want his money (really not sure how what I wrote could be interpreted as us wanting the money). I do NOT have a DH problem, that is quite hurtful to say. He had years of being patronised and sometimes bullied by his father, who would then swan in and throw money at whatever his perceived issue was. Surely on here people would know how insidious such relationships can be?! If you don't understand how two people can be "bulldozed" like this, then you're just very lucky. We can't be the only adults who are treated like kids for years and then find it hard to say no?

We don't need any financial advice, thanks. We made a few stupid decisions in the past, but have learned from these. As for our future plans none of your bloody business is a spreadsheet of forecast earnings and expenses to inform when we'll TTC number 2 good enough? Not everyone has enough spare cash to buy a house or a new car, that doesn't mean they're financially irresponsible!

OK, we'd only had a quick look at the second-hand garage we got our current car from. TBF, the cost of the car is a bit of a red herring here.

Just don't tell FIL about the car

Buy one in your budget

Simple.

Why does fil have to even know?

What car are you wanting?

The power of Mumsnet will find you plenty of options in the budget

Plenty of good advice above:

1. You and dh agree a Grey Rock “no thanks fil” approach. Both agree not to crack full stop.
2. What fallout do you envisage? A tantrum from fil? If he behaves like a toddler treat him like a toddler. If he is rude to you be icy back. It won’t be pleasant or easy to break the habit, don’t expect him to be happy, but it will be worth it in the long run.

binary his son and grandson were in a car accident and had to go to hospital to be checked out. Not that unusual to tell him is it? I also told my parents.