Avoiding being cruel

[MilicentBulstrode]

NC for this as I don't want it linking to my previous posts and become outing.

May be a long story but trying not to drip feed.

Married for 15y, 3 x DC (15, 11, 6) marriage has been toxic since beginning being honest. (D)H is emotionally abusive currently, previously physically, emotionally & financially abusive though not in last few years but does threaten abuse regularly.

I've already told him we are over but financially we haven't been able to leave our home to separate. It is planned but we are stuck for now. Possibly for another 3-6 months. Neither have anywhere else to go in the short term.

(D) H doesn't want to split, feels we can work things through if I put some effort in, I'm done can't/won't carry on.

The issues are I don't want to fight/argue all the time with DC witnessing. So I choose not to engage with him. When I do this he will say I'm childish and should try to get along for the sake of everyone's sanity.

If I pretend to be his friend he reads this as me giving him another chance and gets upset when I clarify this isn't the case.

He says I'm putting him on an emotional rollercoaster because I give false hope then I'm cruel telling him I don't want him.

How do I manage this, I don't like being cruel? I've lived this for many years and know the damage.

But how do I get him to start moving on and accept we are over?

We have been on the road to separation for around 3 years, but officially separated now for 2 months.

I k ow he is trying to manipulate me and I will get away just as soon as I possibly can, but I'm stuck for now and need coping strategies please.

Have you stopped doing stuff for him? Making his meals? Doing his washing, ironing, putting clothes away? Sleeping separately? He'll only get the message if there is some practical effect on his life.

Can you not afford to get a rented place e for you and the dc, leaving him to deal with the financial burden of this house without input from you?

We haven't slept in the same bed for approx 3 years, his choice.

Not had sex since we separated.

Food and washing I did try to stop doing his, it he just had a huge meltdown saying I'm childish etc.
I'm already making kids food and my own and I haven't mastered how to cook for 4 instead of 5 yet so it seems really petty to throw away food so he can't eat it.

I asked to split childcare and have set days, but first day he didn't have anything arranged for the kids no packed lunches etc so I had to step in for the sake of the kids being fed/cared for.

We have split finances so each pay half of bills agreed amount for kids etc.

We don't socialise together and spend limited family time together, we both stopped visiting in laws as a family etc.

You stop doing washing, cooking, keep separate food etc so you can claim tax credits as a single parent!

Unfortunately lm not entitled to any benefits, currently waiting for confirmation of moving to full time hours at work so I can afford a mortgage.
Even the rent around here are expensive so renting not an easy option either.
Moving away would mean taking the kids out of school and I wanted to keep at least one thing stable for them.
It's just such a bloody mess
Thanks for the advice

He says you're being cruel. He says?

This is the person who has been physically and emotionally abusive towards you, and you believe him? You aren't being cruel, he is playing mind games.

If he regularly threatens abuse, then he IS STILL BEING ABUSIVE by simply threatening it.

Stick to your guns and carry on with your plans to get out of his clutches.

What @seventhwave says x100. So he had no problem being extremely cruel to you for years, but you're noe not allowed be a tiny bit justifiably not overly nice to him? Well fuck that! Stop listening to him. Stop believing his bollox. He knows you're not being cruel or childish, he just wants to push your buttons and make you feel like shite! As he always has.

Grey rock all the way!