Husband doesn’t get along with my family, and I don’t blame him but caught in the middle

[Brave123]

Hello everyone,

I am in a difficult situation right now with a young baby and family relationships at an all time low.

My husband used to get on relatively ok with my family but since the birth of my daughter it has gone downhill very fast. There is very little understanding on both sides and my husband feels as though he is not respected by any of them. He has therefore chosen to keep his distance and I don’t force this issue.

However this leaves me in a dilemma and I feel anger towards them too. Most of my life my parents (and sisters) have just ‘left me to it’ but now all of a sudden they want to get in there with us now the trophy baby is here (she is the only grandchild in our family)

I too have had various heated arguments with them because of this and they never seem to listen. However I still try to make the effort and visit them when my husband is at work to try to manintain some kind of relationship with them but clearly his absence of several occasions is starting to show the cracks.

What makes it worst is that his family is so supportive and caring towards all of us, have been for the 11 years we have been together. His mum was there for me more emotionally when I had my baby then my own mum was :(

To be honest I am most happiest when it’s just me, my husband and little girl. I just feel like I am try my best to keep everyone happy and maintaining something that I don’t truly care enough about. I have been totally fine on my own until now and I can cope just fine but there is some sort of expectation from me to see my family and ‘make the effort’

Sorry if this a long post but just had to get it off my chest.

Have any of you experienced this? Would really appreciate some help or advice.

Thank you

Hi lovely,
I have no real advice but will be following with interest as I am in a similar position although it's my husbands side of the family who for no explainable reason have just started ignoring both of us, we asked them outright if we had done anything to offend them and their response was ''sometimes bad things happen for no reason'' - what is that even supposed to mean! Anyway, I find that I, too am happiest when it is just my husband and I (no DC yet) which is a little sad so all of my sympathy to you and hope you get some good advice shortly.
Glad you feel a little better when you have written it down xxx

Sometimes if you need to put yourself first, remember you do not owe your family anything, regardless of what they say and think.

Make excuses more, keep contact to a minimum. You don't have to text back every time, you don't have to answer every call.

I found doing this when my first DC was born helped so much!

I'm in a similar situation in that my husband has recently fallen out with my family and I often feel caught in the middle. Best advice is to put yourself first. Like you, I don't feel a huge pull to my mum but still worry about keeping the peace. Focus on your unit. I do sometimes still go and see my parents on my own with my children or invite them to stay when my husband is away. It is a bit awkward but this is your life, not theirs. That's the advice I always get given

What do they do that upsets you OP? Is it something that could be sorted out with a discussion and some setting of boundaries, or are they completely toxic?
If you and your family genuinely love each other, then there is probably room for compromise and cutting some slack each way.
If they are manipulative, abusive or controlling, then this cannot be mended, and you would be advised to reduce contact to a minimum or break with them completely.

Do not keep your extended family (which is what your parents and siblings now are) happy at the expense of your nuclear family (your DH and your child). Unless of course there is good reason to!

That's not the case here. Stop sitting on the fence - your parents and siblings don't get to call the shots here. Think how you'd feel if it was the other way around, and your DH was taking your baby to spend time with extended family on his side who had shown themselves to be hostile or unfair to you. Not on.

You need to be a family unit and send a VERY strong message to your parents that they have no rights here and it's THEY that need to toe the line. No respect for their grandchild's dad? No see grandchild!

Also -

Most of my life my parents (and sisters) have just ‘left me to it’ but now all of a sudden they want to get in there with us now the trophy baby is here (she is the only grandchild in our family)

Really?! So they're just all over you because of the baby, and you're letting them even when they can't respect your family unit??

I'd scale the visits right back. Talk to your DH and let him know you're on his side. Pointed comments to your parents about not being happy spending time with them if they can't respect their granddaughter's dad, they aren't going to be close grandparents.

This is the tip of the iceberg, by the way. They're setting things up to be quite interfering - if you don't want a real mess of a situation developing, tap them on the nose right now.

Hi Brave

re your comments in quote marks:-
"Most of my life my parents (and sisters) have just ‘left me to it’ but now all of a sudden they want to get in there with us now the trophy baby is here (she is the only grandchild in our family)"

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what roles is everyone playing here. What are your roles in this set up; you seem to be the coper. Were your siblings treated differently to you when you were a child?. My guess is that they were and remain more favoured. These roles are interchangeable but you are now only more favoured because of your child.

"I too have had various heated arguments with them because of this and they never seem to listen. However I still try to make the effort and visit them when my husband is at work to try to manintain some kind of relationship with them but clearly his absence of several occasions is starting to show the cracks".

These people I would think have not fundamentally changed since your own childhood. Why are you so obligated to them still, is it because you are in the FOG?. Think about this a lot more along with looking at fear, obligation and guilt. Are you still seeking their approval?. Why do you still want a relationship with people who openly dislike your H and only now favour you because they are now grandparents?. Who is your primary loyalty to and with now; them or your H?. He is being unfairly treated here by your family of origin and yet you're still visiting them when he is at work. That is wrong on so many levels here.

Your boundaries re them also are so very weak and need revising upwards urgently. For a start you can scale the visits to them right back. The three of you are a family unit.

Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may help as well.