My head is such a mess. Sorry if this is garbled.
My husband and I have been going through a shit time. For probably about a year, perhaps cracks were there even before then. So much has happen since then I can’t remember.
All I know now is that I’m worn down by it all. He’s behaved like a selfish, inconsiderate bastard and I’m been left trying to hold my family together. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. He claims that I have pushed him away by becoming complacent about our relationship and taking him for granted. I have felt undervalued (or actually no value) for a long time so if I have taken him for granted it’s cause and effect. Every bit of happiness has been squeezed out of me.
He’s attracted to another woman. He tells me nothing is going on but they are friends and there is a lot of crossover in their businesses, her company recently did some work for him, they attend the same conferences and networking events. When our baby daughter was born last summer he went to a lot of conferences and did a lot of networking...far more than usual and sometimes for days at a time and left me to look after our 3 children including newborn by myself. He says it was escapism but I think he was prioritising opportunities to spend time with this woman over spending time with his family and supporting me.
There has been lots of arguing but some good times too. On the surface we still get on well. But he terminated his friendship with this woman despite me telling him he needs to for the sake of our marriage. He originally said he would but now he says it’s not that easy as they businesses do a lot of work in common. So now instead he’s started lying to me about when he does see her. I’ve caught him out twice lying to me and it has sent me a very clear message that he doesn’t respect me and he doesn’t value our marriage enough to do this thing for me.
On Friday he was home late from work. He told me he had a last minute late meeting with a client. He came home at about 9ish saying he ended up going for a drink with him. I didn’t believe him. It turns out he went for a long lunch with 3 people including this woman and it carried on to having a few drinks. I’m furious with him. Furious for lying, furious for having lunch with her and furious for having drinks with her. He tells me I’m blowing it out of perspective...it was a work lunch with 2 other people. My ‘perspective’ is against a background of a year of really shitty behaviour, arguments, dishonesty and making me feel like shit.
I’ve had enough. But my self esteem is at an all time low. I don’t feel like I have the strength to throw him out. He wants to do counselling. We started the ball rolling on that a few weeks ago with Relate but we’re still waiting for a regular time slot with them and due to childcare issues we’re pretty limited. He said he’s going to find us another counsellor to start asap. But I don’t feel likeI have the strength for that now either. I spend my days at home on my own looking after a baby with tears streaming down my face. I manage to drag my arse out of the house to go and pick my other children up but that’s all. He keeps saying he wants to make things better between us but I’m not sure it’s possible. I think we’ve gone past the point of no return. I think I actually physically felt the point of no return on Sunday...it was weird. I’ve been crying ever since. I feel like I’m spiralling into a black hole. I think he is the thing that needs to go in order for me to feel joy again at some point but I don’t have the strength to do it. I have a baby who doesn’t sleep. I’m exhausted by everything. I’m self employed with two jobs but not working much at the moment because my baby is only 10 months old. I’m in no way financially independent. I don’t know how I’d cope money wise. I can’t even cover the mortgage. If I take on more work my baby would have to go to nursery or baby and I can’t afford and she suffers from dreadful separation anxiety it would cause her so much distress.
What do I do first? Do I work on my financial situation first so I can get to a point where I feel I can support us? I don’t know how.
Sorry. This has turned into an absolute brain dump of my thoughts. I can’t think clearly. I need help.