Hello all! Do you have any suggestions how to deal with a boyfriend who is wonderful in many ways, but tends to be very negative, critisising the whole world (except me) and showing passive-aggressive behaviour? I feel like it drives me nuts sometimes, puts me down. However, I would like to give him a last chance or so. Perhaps it is possible for me to cope better and take things so seriously or personally or put a stop to his such behaviours? It's a long post, but no need to read it if you have just some suggestions for such behaviours. I just bring out some examples below.
He is a good and caring and thoughtful guy, but I get the impression that he is so if all his needs are met etc. But if something goes the way he did not anticipate or the way he does not like it, then these behaviours show. Regarding the negativity and criticism, these are present all the time.
-For example, I, too, think that someone behaves weirdly or is stupid sometimes or some services are organised badly or bus drivers drive the bus badly or whatever. But I usually do not express these feelings, because I do not see the point of talking about it. He, on the other hand, restlessly points out all the bad things that surround him. And he sees these negative things every day. I get so tired of hearing all these negative things.
- Our biggest incompatibility is related to time spent together - he wants and needs it a lot more than I do, I have tried to give it more to him, but then I get bored and he demands even more, so now I am back to me initial routine of hobby and friends mostly. He has settled with this idea, but if anything is added on my plate, his behaviour again shows. For example, he had his mother's birthday coming up, we did not agree to go there together yet, but he of course assumed we do such things together. However, as I have the need to be on my own at home a lot, but I never get to be alone (and he knows it), I found this to be a perfect opportunity - he has somewhere to go and I get to be home. So I told him a few days in advance that I would like to stay home. Then he told me that "fine, but if you do something exciting then, do not tell me later, because I would feel bad. And also, do not do anything that we have planned to do together". I asked can he point out the things we have planned, because I remember only this and this, perhaps there are more activities? But he said no he cannot give me a list. Then, when he got home from the birthday he was sulking and quiet and when I finally cheerfully asked how it was etc, he told me "well, if you came, you would know". Later he of course told me how the party was etc.
- I bought a new computer. Yes, the timing was bad, because his just broke down, while my old computer is still functioning. He was a) jealous that I even bought a new one, because he has none and I have now two; b) unhappy because I did not discuss my plan to buy it thoroughly with him, I just mentioned I want to buy a new one and then bought it a few days later. In my mind - I told him I want to buy it and if he wants to give his help and wants to discuss it because computers are his interest topic, then he had the opportunity to say something, not be quiet about it for days. In his head - I should know that computer interest him and of course he wants to share his knowledge and I should ask him, otherwise he feels like I do not care about his opinion.
So when the computer arrived on Sunday, I first heard him moan for two hours about how he is jealous that I have the new computer, how he feels inadequate because he has no money to buy a new one for him, how his bosses and his company suck because they do not raise his wage and everything is their fault and he has waited and waited for 9 years, but the bosses still screw him over all the time (he has made a great career in the company, actually, although he does not earn the biggest wage, indeed), how there is no point applying for a new job because noone would never hire him anyway etc.
And then, we had spent the entire Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together (we live together anyway) and then I spent a few hours on Sunday evening with my new computer. He said that he understands it's a new shiny thing and it is fine I configure it etc, but when I used it again later at night he said "well, fine, I'll just watch TV until you finish doing it and then finally we can also talk a bit today" (for me it sounded like we had not talked to each other the entire day). When I sat next to him and asked what would he like to talk about, he said that nothing, just in general then was silent and then we watched tv together silently…
- if we plan something and things do not turn out the way we planned, he is so negative and cranky that it ruins my day. For example, we planned to rent a car and he would guide me so I can learn to drive (I haven't used a car nearly ten years and it's a big city, so I decided I want to learn to drive in this big city etc). When we arrived to the car, it did not work and there were no other cars. He got furious and was very cranky, like the world had ended and everyone wanted to punish him. Instead of accepting that this plan did not work out, let's find another car from somewhere else or just make a new plan - no biggie for me. This behaviour is rather default if something goes the other way that he expected.
- He also sends me some kind of mixed signals sometimes. I am here to blame as well, because sometimes I ask a lot of help and suggestions, but sometimes I want to do things entirely on my own and get a bit cranky if he offers me hundreds of solutions etc. However, his favourite topic is computers, he believes he knows a lot about these. he also works as a IT guy at his company for the past 4 months etc. However, whenever I ask something about computers, he is rather hesistant, and mostly says he does not know the answer or if he answers and I do not understand right away and ask more, he gets cranky again and very impatient, so I do not want to ask him the next time. However, if I do not ask, he insists me to ask him because "you know that I like the topic and this is the topic I can help you with". And then when I ask him, he says "well, google it". Or gets hesistant again with answering the question.