Am i thinking too hard about this?

[GreatGatsby212]

I met a guy on a dating app, we chatted got on and so arranged a date. The day before we were due to meet i get a message from him saying that he was feeling all weird about dating, he didn't expect to be dating again at 43. He was thinking of cancelling, but he decided with no pressure from me that he wanted to meet. This was in Sept last year.

We met, had a good time, agreed to see each other again. We went on 3 dates, no sex or really any touchy feely stuff, a bit cold in that regard, but we got on well. I put the stand offish thing down to what he had told me about his last relationship which had knocked his confidence and self esteem. He was going through counselling for this, he is still seeing the therapist.

Anyway, he faded after a few weeks.

Then he gets back in touch in November. He apologies for dropping off the radar, saying he thought he was ready to date but he wasn't and sorry for how he handled it. We stay in touch via WhatsApp but dont meet. This goes on for about 2 months. He drops off the radar for a month, then pops up again. There is no sexual chat, just mates and getting to know you chat, we chat about what we are watching in tv and general stuff. I suggest meeting for coffee or dinner just as friends. He says yes, but neither he or i make a date to do it.

I admit that being single, it was nice just to have some one to chat to, so i guess i used him a bit. But i do like him and would like it if things went further.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. Out of the blue he suggests a drink after work.
I go, he seems alot happier and more relaxed, we have a great time. He says, lets meet again soon, but lets make it a wknd so we can relax and not stress about work the next day. We sort a date and he has made reservations etc. Its a really nice place, the kind of place i expect dates to go, not mates...

Im a bit worried that i may just be a distraction or someone to practice on while he is getting himself sorted through counselling. Is that what this feels like to you?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much as my confidence and luck with men isnt great....

What are your thoughts ?? Am i thinking too hard about this?

If it were me, I'd leave well alone. Sounds like you would have a future of not knowing where you stood, him going off the radar whenever he felt like it and turning up at will. What's the point in that? 7 months you've been messaging and had a few dates. I would just keep it as friends at best or just block him.

Sounds hard work. Leave well alone.

Sounds like a waste of space who gets in touch when he’s bored and/or single. I’d drop him.

I'm wondering what he's up to when he's off the radar. Are you the person he messages when he's at a loose end? Tread carefully.

It sounds like he’s been dealing with a lot of healing, and probably depression hence the disappearances. It doesn’t sound like he’s using you as a distraction, sometimes it’s not what we think it is and if he’s been working through things in his own life on his own without dragging you into it then it’s probably a good thing.

Life is short give it a chance one more time if you like him but if he disappears again then call it a day .

This man is totally fucking you about. My bet is he's a manipulative, controlling arsehole. He gets his kicks in seeing how long he can strong you along.

Fuck this guy. He's a massive twat. Please be smarter than to ever see him again.

You need to look out for yourself.

If you go out for dinner with him, are you going to feel obligated to give him attention/sex?

Like it or not, he's messing with you.

It's not genuine all this lick you up and drop you like a ton of bricks.

A decent person doesn't do this. He's playing you.

Don't be drawn in again, find yourself another distraction.

Well, seems like a resounding vote for get rid!

There has never been any pressure for attention or sex which is something im not used to with guys ive met online.

I don't get the vibe that he is dating anyone else, but im aware i cant know that for sure. If anything im leaning towards the boredom thing.

Saying that i take on board the fact that he has been seeing a therapist for a while and that shows some emotionally maturity and responsibility.

Im probably going to go for dinner and be prepared to block/end if there is a hint of dropping out.

Thanks for the messages, they have given me the space to have some rational thought.

I don't know, I wouldn't write him off. It's perfectly plausible that he jumped in before he was ready. As long as you have your wits about you and are aware of red flags etc then what do you have to lose.

Saying that i take on board the fact that he has been seeing a therapist for a while and that shows some emotionally maturity and responsibility.

It really doesn’t necessarily show that. Anyone can access therapy via the NHS or paying for it privately. It doesn’t tell you anything about him other than that he’s having therapy and has some issues he still needs to work through.

Anyway yeah, drop this guy. If it was gonna go anywhere it would have by now. He’s just toying with you out of boredom. Which doesn’t make him a bad person, he’s not promised you anything, but it doesn’t sound like you want a casual friend out of this so I’d cancel and move on.

I really don't think that going to therapy is necessarily a sign of emotional maturity. His actions don't really portray him as an emotianally mature guy, an arse is much more likely.

I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I'd go. You're obviously wise enough to be aware he might be messing with you - but he also might not be. He might be genuine and in a better head space now than he was in September. I'm always amazed how people think it's acceptable to lurch from one relationship to another without any room to sort your head out - and they wonder why relationships fail. Perhaps he's one who's doing it properly and now he's ready.