Scared of always having that pang

[Ribrabrob]

For various reasons (out of my control), I'm probably not going to end up being with and settling down with the guy who is the love of my life (I know that sounds cringy but it's the truth).

I know that he will always be in my life, we will always be friends and there for each other, however we won't be together in the sense of marriage, children etc which is something I want with him more than anything in the world.

Despite this, I'm slowly trying to accept this and move on but I'm scared that when I do eventually 'settle down' I'll always have the sadness in the back of my mind. The sadness that it's not him and that that pang and longing for him will always be there.

Has anyone been in this position, accepting that you just can't be with him but trying to live as a fulfilling lie as possible? I feel so sad but I don't want the sadness to always be there. At the moment it feels overwhelming,

I am in a similar situation, it does get better and easier. We meet up when we can (as friends only), we have a great time together and we’re happy, but it was hard getting to that stage. We will always love each other, but we have also accepted that his ‘work’ and me now being a parent just aren’t compatible.

If you maintain a friendship be as honest as you can with each other, if someones jealous etc please tell each other. Be honest with yourself as well, if a friendship is too upsetting you need to end it for your sake.

I would say be careful about finding love elsewhere, when we decided to end our relationship I jumped straight into another one and moved in with them, clearly this was doomed to fail, and it has. So if I could turn back the clock I would have stayed out of the game for at least a year.

I had someone in my life when I was much younger who broke my heart. I never forgot him and was, and probably still is, the 'love of my life'. The residual effect of losing him stayed with with me for years - I always felt that 'one day' we'd finally make it work.

I forgot about him for a long time, met and married someone else. My dh is truly a good man and we are good together. But the sadness has always stayed with me, I won't lie.

I met up with my old love 20 years later and it was like going through the heartbreak all over again. I felt like an idiot. I think I'd stuffed down all the feelings of sadness and they all came welling up again. I started having panic attacks and obsessing over him. It took many years of therapy and honesty to really look at the situation and pull myself out of what felt like a black hole of sadness.

I think what we call 'the love of our life' could live deep within us, a sort of 'wishlist' of how we imagine perfect love to be. I had to be honest with myself especially and realize that back then, it just wasn't our time. Love has to survive beyond the headiness, that rush of emotion that is so addictive (not saying that's the stage you're in). I can't say I ever had that 'rush' with DH...but I love him deeply to my core, and I know instinctively that DH is the best person for me and we make a great team.

I still feel sad at the loss of the other..but I try to embrace the love we had and feel grateful that I got to experience that.

I strongly suggest going no contact. Not because he's a twat, but because he's not a twat.

But if you can't ever be with him, what's the point? It's just giving you a constant feeling of "Oh if only... what if..." As Tori Amos said, why do we crucify ourselves?

I know he's your friend. But sometimes you have to end friendships if they are harming you.

Oh and meant to say, give it 2-3 years NC and you won't feel anything about him.

If you stay in contact, every time you have contact with him, you will reset that time.

I don't think that you can be "just friends" OP. Not in these circumstances. I think that you need to disengage, in person and on social media. Coming to terms with it will be quicker that way.

These things are weird. I met someone when i was really young and we had this big misunderstanding when I was 18, he 21. We parted with him refusing to speak to me. I knew then I would always remember that moment with sadness. Met someone else, married someone else again, but a couple of years ago something brought him back to mind and it is still there. I think we really are in love with what we know might have been than with reality.