So frustrated and angry

[KittyVonCatsworth]

Dear god I've got to get this out as I'm about to go stratospheric. I've had a bloody headache all day with anger.

I posted about my DH a couple if weeks ago and what a dick he was being. We got through that row without really resolving it but I feel we're having the same big arguments all the time and I don't know if I want this continuous cycle anymore.

He's got this health condition which flares up badly every 18 months and continues for about 6 months or so. During this time he's in pain and he doesn't sleep well. I think I'm supportive, do things to make him as comfortable as I can for him, do everything in the house, don't give him grief and generally let his bad behaviour towards me slide. When he's ill, he's impossible to live with calmly and he just growls, not picks, makes digs wherever he can.

Last night he started on me, turning everything on me saying I'd been distant, how I just get on with my own thing (I've started going to the gym for the past 2 weeks on a Saturday morning when he's still in bed). Questioning why I'm going to the gym, what's it for. I just snapped and told him because I'm fucking fat!

I was still mad this morning, he was dropping me to the bus stop, which I thought was closer to work but he dropped me off at the one miles away and I had to wait ages for it. This just riled me more.

I do absolutely everything in the house, I cook, clean, wash, everything. He doesn't even rinse the bath, give the loo a once over.

He criticises my professional choices telling me how I'm doing something all wrong, he wouldn't do it like that and I'm stupid if I think I'm going to get a good outcome.

He's not interested in my achievements or anything I do.

He makes all the decisions, big spends, holidays, where we live etc and sulks if I go against him.

He casts up past arguments, situations never admitting where he was wrong. I have recognised where I've been wrong and made significant changes to my life and thinking.

I'm starting to think that I am married to a disrespectful, selfish, rude and insensitive dick. I'm trying to juggle a career, a home, a severely mentally ill brother and him when he's ill. I get that he's ill, I know he's in pain but I just feel like he's punishing me for it.

Tonight he picked me up, I'd already said that I didn't want to talk as I didn't want to aggravate the situation, I wasn't calm enough to speak but he kept nipping and I just exploded. Didn't get any of this out just fighting my corner. He's now asked me when I'm moving out and why I just can't be there to support him when he's ill.

Help me be calm because I'm not.

Sorry, epic post and ranty.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Do you have children?

If you know you've supported him for years, and he's just chucking that back at you, and you've done everything in your home, I can understand why you're pissed off.

My DH is ill but he’s lovely. I really couldn’t hack it if he wasn’t. It sounds like he’s just a bit bitter and envious of you op.

At the moment Wif, nothing. I just want to try and work through it. I don't really want to be divorced, I've been through that before, as has he. If it comes to it though, I will leave. I'm emotionally exhausted by it all.

We don't have children.

Is there any reason to stay with him?

You don't want to be divorced? It's not the 1950s. You've nothing to stay for, he's a bully and control freak and your eyes a housekeeper/ nursemaid.

Decormad, how do you cope on his down days? Is he chronically ill, if you don't mind me asking? Does he get frustrated?

Autumncrow, I went through a mental breakdown a few years ago and he put up with me for a couple of months before really letting rip at me. That's what made me turn things around and change jobs, habits (I was drinking a lot), my mindset, I did a lot of self help. He threw that back in my face tonight, 3 months I was bad. He's been like this off and on for years.

Why do you stay with him? What's the good stuff?

There no tangible reason why I should stay with him but when he's well, he's almost a different man.

You made me smile with reference to 1959 housewife bookworm, I know it's a fickle reason, but I just want to fight for it. I feel I failed on the last one, I just want to know I've done all I can to make it work.

You haven't failed here, you've let this man control you, time to be free.

It sounds easy, being free, but tbh, I'm fucking terrified. I'm mid 40s, overweight, no friends, very little money and scared of just settling for something that is barely mediocre but only when he's ill. But am I being fair, it's not like he's like this all the time.

He read me the riot act when I was ill but he won't allow me to tell him how he makes me feel so he can alter his attitude and approach towards me.

I know that we can't keep doing this and I'm worried that if he doesn't make the same effort, we're done.

I was 28, with 3 kids under 6, not a penny to my name, no parents but here we are alive and well. You can manage on your own, you deserve better much better.

You say he's not like this all the time, but unless his illness has seriously affected his brain, he ought to be able to see he is being a dick to you. That anger and nastiness must be inside him in some way. I wouldn't want to be near that. My DH was tiresome and pathetic when he was ill, stubborn and not easy to reason with about his illness and taking medical advice. And, yes, a bit self - centred, unsurprisingly. But he was never, ever, nasty.

He wants an emotional punching bag when he's ill, and that's just not on. He doesn't get to take his crap out on you.

And Candycane is right, I'll bet he's not absolutely brilliant when he's not ill either, because

He makes all the decisions, big spends, holidays, where we live etc and sulks if I go against him

Does not sound like something he only does when he's ill.

Hi OP. My ex was very similar to your DH. He suffered a series of different medical issues over the years (sounds bad but it felt like he was always ill with something) then was diagnosed with a chronic arthritis. As his condition worsened so did his behaviour. He was unbearable to live with and it took him ages to push to get the proper medication for it. He would spend plenty of time complaining about it to me though.
He never ever admitted to being wrong and I also used to do everything around the house. He didn't bother much with the kids but used to throw the 'arthritis' card at me all the time, knowing I couldn't argue with that.
I was petrified of splitting up as I am early 40s, 2 kids and we had just bought a house that I knew would be difficult to sell.
But, I did it and I've come out the other end and I'm very happy,

Thanks to everyone with your successful "I got rid and it was ok" stories. We didn't speak last night and I left super early this morning, perhaps tonight he'll give me his plan for transformation, how he's going to be the husband he cruelly lured me into thinking he was for the first 2 years of marriage. I doubt it though.

I don't know how much more I will and would take before I wake up and realise it's not going to happen. I just don't think I'm ready, which is woefully pathetic because everyone here is telling me how bad it is. I read other posts on here and say "yes, that's him" and the advice given. I'm so fucking stupid.

hi OP - you are NOT stupid. It took me a LONG time to get to the point where I literally had to end things as I couldn't carry on like that any more. It doesn't matter how many times people tell you he's never going to change and he's treating you badly, you have to reach that point in your own time.
I do hope that happens sooner rather than later as its your life to live and its not a happy one with him.

You’re not stupid, none of this is your fault.

It’s hard to leave, but it sounds like staying will be just as hard so you have to pick your hard.

You’ll make your move in your own time, and I imagine you’ll have a lot more self confidence out of this relationship than in it

OP. I have a painful chronic illness that flares up. It is not an excuse to treat you like his personal skivvy and be nasty to you. It’s not the pain or the illness that causes that; he chooses it. The ‘why can’t you just support me when I’m ill’ thing is manipulation plain and simple. He was perfectly capable of being nice to you when he wanted to.

It is hard to leave. But life can be so much better for you.

You don’t need to be calm or nice about any of this. It’s totally ok to be angry at him because of his behaviour and total lack of care or support for you. Be angry and use that anger to leave.