Child does not want to visit my partners mum

[Banana1979]

My DD who is 4 refuses to visit her grandma..my partners mum. My partner has made several arrangements for our DD to be picked up and every time his mum come through the door she cries and throws an almighty tantrum and refuses to go, so his mum just says shes going to leave and she does.

She has stayed over at hers twice before and once time cried all the way there in the car and the other time fell asleep in our car and we left her there
She is fine once she is there. I asked her why does she not like going and she replied she doesn't like grandmas spots ( freckles) and there is nothing to do there. ( the flat is very small..its a bedsit/studio)
Background is when i gave birth to her 2 months prematurely my partner left me for another woman. DD was in hospital for about 5 weeks. His mum never came to visit her whilst she was in hospital and never bothered to visit up until i got back with my partner when my DD was 2 and a half. Said alot of crap about me and disliked me for no reason whatsoever. Fast forward when i got back with her son after his gf left him ( yes i know i shouldn't have got back with after what he did) and seeing us try to make it work she suddenly wants to know me and my daughter again.
She loves and constantly asks for my mum
I have explained to my partner over and over that because his mum didnt want to know our DD hasnt a connection with her and she will need to build that connection by visiting her more ( about once every 2 months at present) and not forcing her to stay over. Partner then makes backhanded comments that our DD shouldn't be able to stay at my mums house however i remind him that my mother was there from the start and hes never had a problem with her staying at my mums ( he couldnt anyway)
My partners mother insists on my DD staying over and i feel this is more to benefit her rather than my DD however i also understand the need to build up a relationship with her nan
I dont know what to do

She can't insist she stays over. You say no.

I wouldn’t force my child to stay somewhere if she didn’t want to. Based on this woman’s past behaviour I’m not sure I’d trust her with my child anyway. And a bedsit isn’t suitable for a child - where does she sleep if there isn’t a bedroom for her? That’s before you even consider that the poor kid barely knows the woman so you’re basically abandoning her with a stranger. Just say NO to overnight stays. Lots of grandparents don’t have their grandchildren overnight.

No more stays.

It's counterproductive - forcing your dd will just make her anxious and dislike the idea even more. The relationship has to build naturally. Yoru dd is NEVER going to feel relaxed and positive if she's on edge wondering if she's going to be forced to stay overnight!

Your partner can quite frankly, fuck right off with thinking he gets to have a say in any of it. I cannot believe you took him back.

Oh and his mother doesn't get to 'insist' on anything.

Can't help thinking you are extremely passive in all of this. Don't forget - these people threw you AND YOUR DD under a bus when it suited them. I would find it hard to imagine his mother has your child's best interests at heart given her previous attitude, and I wouldn't want that filthy cheat near me.

I also have a feeling that if you were a fly on the wall and could see and hear how your p's mother treats your child when you are not there, you wouldn't let her near. There might well be a good reason she doesn't want to stay with the kind of granny who only wants to know her when it suits her, and hates her mother and slags her off :(

I don't get why you are your forcing your daughter to stay without you at her Grandma's house when she doesn't want to. What's in it for her? This isn't the right way to improve the relationship.

Absolutely no more overnight stays until your dd is happy, skipping out the door to go, which could even be never. Your partner can indeed fuck right off now after swanning back into your lives. Your mothers relationship with dd is completely different and cannot be compared to his mother. You need to learn to say No and stand up for your dd, as it's clear her father doesn't give a damn about her feelings.

I agree with all of your replies- even the critical ones
I got back with him yes ..because i was lonely still a bit vulnerable and needed help with the rent..and even though he is trying now i resent him for leaving and although i care for him i no longer love him. Im going to decide my options

Im going to tell him tonight i dont want to hear anymore requests for our DD to stay over at his mums. I just wanted to know that i wasnt being bitchy but my child comes first and i feel she is at an age now where she has a say. If partner does not like it he can f off ..

Quite right banana. It doesn't sound as though there's room there anyway!

@crazyoldbaglady i didnt make the arrangement today he called me 2 days ago and said he and his mother had arranged a sleepover for our DD at hers and i turned round and said she does not like going there and he got the hump and still told her to come round pick her up.
My DD threw a tantrum and left and as a result ive banned future sleep overs as the bond just isn't there right now

Tell the cheating fucker to shut up and grow a brain or actually learn about his child...

Your with an absolute idiot that he can't see the damage his penis has done.

Your business to get back with him no one eles however stick to your guns

If you feel you need this grandma in your daughters life why not start to build a relationship with her by having her come to your home and letting your daughter get used to her slowly over time? Little ones fear what they dont know so maybe that would work so your little one feels safe in her own home and can get used to this lady being around?

She sounds like she gets bored tbh. And in a flat I can kinda see why, Feel sorry for kids these days sometimes they don’t seem to have anywhere near the fun I did when we was kids in the 80s.
Ironically due to the situation regarding the birth, I am going to say it but they deserve that, They weren’t there and now want to force the little one to be there for them, I hope it stings too as that is disgusting behavior from the DP. She is a Fairweather friend so to speak, tell her to get lost 😃 I think your DD can pick this up from this Vile woman and knows she don’t feel right round her just too young to understand why. I wont go into taking him back as that is just weak but you know this and it will happen again as leopards don’t change their spots sadly.
And as for jis back handed comments, seriously I know it will hurt temporarily but is it really worth it??