My mother is a vile bitch who hates my husband and can't stop having a crack at me

[mslucy]

Just interested to hear from other posters what sort of relationships they have with their mothers.

Mine is quite frankly appalling.

My mother last night phoned for a chat - it was not a row (for once) and I managed not to lose my temper, though I was quite short with her.

She loathes dh with a passion and is constantly carping on about how useless he is, how awful he looks, how he's ginger (ffs!), how he's a weirdo etc etc etc.

He is a bit eccentric but I love him and I am also not one of life's conformists so we get on just fine.

I was also told:

a) I "used" to be pretty
b) How I had so much potential
c) How my flat is "grungy"
d) How when I miscarried a few years ago, I made "too much fuss" about it. This is from someone who always goes on about how she never forgave her own mother for being unsympathetic about miscarriage.
e) How I lead an alternative lifestyle - I have always worked, paid my bills, don't do drugs (ok I used to but not now), I am a home owner, I'm married and don't indulge in bizarre sex practices or keep a salve in the airing cupboard.
f) How my son would hate a sibling and how my obsessive love for him is subconsciously preventing me from conceiving.
Basically I'm not some kind of sloaney cow who spends her city wanker husband's bonus on colonic irrigation.

Should I just cut her out of my life forever or how would you suggest managing her?

[tb]

cylonbabe evil to cut off your relationship with your mother? WTF? How dare you put your half-baked ideas onto the op?

Suggest you read the threads on relationships about people abused as children, often by their mothers, dear or otherwise.

Sorry, op, don't what to hijack your thread, but my 'd'm suffered from bpd/npd was a vicious thieving, lying, cheating, paedophile who should have never been allowed to draw breath. And breathe.

[janelikesjam]

Hi OP,

Once therapy has helped confront relationships with abusive or neglectful parents , the only question that remains (as an adult) is whether this relationship is beneficial to you in the here and now?

I only do what benefits me in my relationship with my mother now. I assert myself or withdraw in the face of any 'crap', and I also make sure she helps me sometimes in ways that suit me. Thats the deal really.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

jane, tb : This thread lived and died in 2007, and has been resurrected by some tech fluke.

Replies to the OP in May 2012 are unlikely to help her.

Good thread, though.

[OliviaLMumsnet]

THIS IS A VERY OLD THREAD WHICH HAS BEEN BUMPED QUITE BY ACCIDENT.
I WILL DRAW A LINE HERE NOW.

THANKS
MNHQ

[sereneswan]

My relationship with mine is pretty much decades of seething hatred and discfunctionality that is mostly kept swept under the carpet now.

My mother has taken against every single man I've ever even looked at. I have no idea why. She seems to enjoy it. To start with the hated DH because he was 10 yrs older than me and 'poor' (read: not a banker). When we got engaged she threw a fit and told me I'd 'ruined Christmas'. When I later mentioned that we'd probably get married just by ourselves in a registry office she also threw a fit, insisted on coming, took over and ruined the whole thing in various ways.

Other cr*p I've had over the years includes her telling me I was fat when I was a 6 stone teenager. Then being furious with me when I got eating issues. Repeated violence and then repeated attempts to brand me deluded and mad for 'imagining' this, plus constant control, sneering and criticism.
I now am expected to be her sole support in her 3-decade plus warfare with my dad who she loathes but refuses to leave because if she did she would have no one left to make miserable and no one to blame for being miserable herself.

I've spent most of my twenties grieving for the fact I will never have a normal family (it really hit me in adulthood, for some reason) and slowly undoing the unhealthy thought and behavioural patterns I'd learned from her. I have also wished I could cut contact with her. I basically think of her as ill and just bite my tongue a lot. I don't learn to deal with it, I still get angry, but I've learned to built mental barriers so it doesn't actually harm me.

I really sympathise.

[KARABEN]

Hi can anyone give me advise.my husband borrowed 600 pounds from my mother towards a car he took the money back and now shes denying he gave it her.shes told my brother in norway that hes stole it and spoke to her abusively yet she was abusive to him.all my life shes put me down favoured my younger brother calls me to my grown up children has never been there for me as I suffer very bad anxiety and depression.my husband took an overdose this wkd gone and has just come out of hospital .this due to my mother calling him a liar and a thief.yet my hubby took her shopping every wednesday did all her house up fitted a kitchen etc as shes a widow relied on him for 18 years doing everything for her as my brother lives in norway never done anything for mum but gets praised. She has never been a supportive mother to me and I need advice desperately jackie

[KARABEN]

Please can anyone kindly advise me on my mum as I carnt find the strength to even spk to her as when my hubby took the overdose she laughed and said attention seeker about him and she didnt care .she never supported me throughout the days he was in hospital I was sad and felt alone had nobody as my grown up kids live with me but are useless

[ArthurDentsSpaceTowel]

Karaben - Start your own thread.

[KARABEN]

Hi has anyone left any advice ?