My mother is a vile bitch who hates my husband and can't stop having a crack at me

[mslucy]

Just interested to hear from other posters what sort of relationships they have with their mothers.

Mine is quite frankly appalling.

My mother last night phoned for a chat - it was not a row (for once) and I managed not to lose my temper, though I was quite short with her.

She loathes dh with a passion and is constantly carping on about how useless he is, how awful he looks, how he's ginger (ffs!), how he's a weirdo etc etc etc.

He is a bit eccentric but I love him and I am also not one of life's conformists so we get on just fine.

I was also told:

a) I "used" to be pretty
b) How I had so much potential
c) How my flat is "grungy"
d) How when I miscarried a few years ago, I made "too much fuss" about it. This is from someone who always goes on about how she never forgave her own mother for being unsympathetic about miscarriage.
e) How I lead an alternative lifestyle - I have always worked, paid my bills, don't do drugs (ok I used to but not now), I am a home owner, I'm married and don't indulge in bizarre sex practices or keep a salve in the airing cupboard.
f) How my son would hate a sibling and how my obsessive love for him is subconsciously preventing me from conceiving.
Basically I'm not some kind of sloaney cow who spends her city wanker husband's bonus on colonic irrigation.

Should I just cut her out of my life forever or how would you suggest managing her?

[mslucy]

that should read "slave" btw

[Tortington]

someone phones you to tell you shes dead

you think you will react how?

[Biglips]

Couldnt u tell your mum to keep it to herself? and tell her see how she wud like it if i was doing the same to her? (as thats me to my mum as she knows that i wud snap at her)

[Biglips]

oops - u not I

[mslucy]

relief.

Will feel terrible guilt and pain but an immense sense of relief.

she has offered me no support since I had ds and many of her attacks on me cam in the immediate weeks after I gave birth.

I really, really don't like her at all.

She was not a bad parent to us as kids in that she was always around and looked after us, but she has a vicious tongue and has always been very very nasty.

[aDad]

i think you have to tell her she's got to change or else.

The comments about your dh for example are WAY out of order, and the negative comments about miscarriage, obsessive love etc.

I personally would not stand for it. If she does not change then yes, I would have a lot less to do with her than you do now.

[Biglips]

hear hear ADad...... its sounds like its the type of personality that she had got. My nin (Nan) is terrible for it and gets away with murder in the family...but shes very old and lives on her own so we cannot really leave her

[SurferRosa]

It's easy to speak from outside, but it looks like she is being really horrible to you because she had the same thing from her mother and probably doesn't enjoy it as such.

However this isn't your problem and you are putting up with serious emotional abuse all the time you allow her to speak to you like this.

She would need help to stop doing it, and you can't make her, so the only person who can break the cycle is you...please stop it now, it is painful to hear that someone is letting themself be treated so badly...perhaps one day she will make the effort to change, perhaps she won't - if she does, then welcome her back.

If you let her continue as she is, she will never stop...

Good luck.

[mslucy]

I don't have much to do with her really, considering she's only a few miles away.

I see her about once every two or three months.

Over the years I have had several periods of silence when I refused to speak to her for about three months. This made incandescent with rage and she put pressure on my brother and my dad to make me speak to her.

She was often a lot better after these periods of silence but she soon slips into her evil ways.

I used to have therapy and the therapist told me she had a "borderline personality". I've read up on this and I think she may have a point.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Stop speaking to her. I'm guessing she knows how much this sort of talk upsets you. I'd just cut off all contact.

(Why not hang up if she starts talking this way?)

There is a thread in Relationships for people who've stopped contact with their families. here.

[cylonbabe]

she's your mother
she gave birth to you
she cleaned you nappies, fed you, took care of you when you were ill etc

what she is saying is silly, bitchy, childish immature. what you are saying is wrong wrong wrong wrong. you cannot cut her out of your life.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Is she like this with everyone? Strangers? Only family?

[NotQuiteCockney]

Huh, cylonbabe? So mslucy should put up with completely mad mistreatment, forever, just because this woman is her mother?

[mslucy]

cyclonbabe.

that's what stops me cutting her out of my life. But when I have conversations like the one I had last night, I really do wonder why I see her.

She's sees me in such a negative light. Like I am some kind of total loser. Nothing I ever do is good enough for her ever.

btw. She hates my brother's wife as well.

[HollyGoHeavily]

She sounds like a very negative influence in your life. Does she talk this way in front of your son? I would not like my child to hear that sort of thing about his mother and father (and maybe even himself )

I'd try and put some space between you - tell her how much she upsets you when she speaks to you that way and that you have decided you would like a break. You will contact her when you feel like renewing your relationship.

It will be difficult, but it might make her realise the consequence of her actions ....

[SurferRosa]

Cylonbabe I'm sorry but I totally disagree. The lady's mother chose to have a child, the child doesn't ask its mother to do those things. This woman owes her mother nothing, I am sure she is grateful for the good things her mother did fr her, but she cannot be expected to put up with what is cruel and abusive behaviour...it's not her fault, and if the mother wants to be in her daughter's life, she needs to treat her daughter as a grown woman, not someone to spit abusive comments at.

FFS (first time I ever said that on her!!!)

[mslucy]

NotQuiteCockney

Family - in particular me and my brother. She used to row with my dad when we were little but they have reached a truce in old age and rub along ok.

She used to have very intense friendships with other women that often ended in tears - she has a history of befriending people with a lot of problems and posing as a shoulder to cry on. However, when these people really need anything or reach a proper crisis, she runs a mile and makes them very angry.

She behaved exactly like this to me when I was very depressed in my late 20s. In her eyes it was because I was horrible to her.

I don't think she often realises the power of her words. I will freely admit I have been rude and insulting to her but it's usually because I've been provoked.

[Biglips]

maybe she is unhappy cos you and her only see each every couple of weeks and is wanting to see you more BUT instead of letting you know in the normal way...she does it in the wrong way iykwim??

[SurferRosa]

Fwiw, it doesns ound like she was treated badly herself by your grandmother, mslucy...in which case the behaviour has its roots way, way back and will be very hard to remove or rectify even with years of therapy.

Borderline personality disorders are something which definitely require treatment and I am so sorry for you to be in this position, you must have felt grief for the mother you never had along the way, in order to accept that this is how she is and you cannot change her. But having realised that you're in a good position to deal with it. Well done for having therapy.

Cylonbabe, would you say that to a kid (or an adult even) whose parent beat it up? 'It's your parent, so take it and shut up' ?

[mslucy]

BigLips.

I think you have a point there. I think she is angry that she is not more involved in my life and sad that she doesn't see ds very much.

But she's been so nasty about dh that he really can't stand her and I don't think it's fair to make him see her for anything other than the bare minimum.

She would have to apologise for some of the terrible things she's said both to him and to me about him before she's truly welcome in my home.

[aDad]

Maybe you should talk to her then, and say that she CAN be more involved in your life if she does first apologise to you and Dh and for her to not criticise or come out with more of these toxic remarks that are only going to drive you away.
A last chance type thing.

[Biglips]

had your mum ever apologises before?

[mslucy]

I think her problems can be traced to her relationship with her father rather than her mother, who I always liked.

Her father was a social climbing bully who had ridiculous ambitions for her to marry well and was very disappointed when she hooked up with my father - a Jewish intellectual rather than some braying country squire.

I remember him frequently sniping about the size of the house we lived in etc etc when I was a child.

My mother saw a therapist when I was in my late teens, ostensibly to deal with the problems she was experiencing with my brother.

She only had a few sessions before she claimed that the therapist was a lesbian and had tried to come on to her.

Interestingly, the therapist mentioned the father-daughter realtionship and this made her very angry.

[SurferRosa]

I really don't think there is any point blaming yourself or circumstances for her behaviour, although it hurts to think you can't make her change...I'm sure she doesn't mean to be awful, but it's her, not you...

[cylonbabe]

i dont think she should put up with this behaviour from her mother.
however i dont htink she should cut her out of her life. her mother obviously has issues of her own. and a child cutting her out of her life will aggravate them. and if her own dd refuses to deal with her, thenwho will she have left? the state? the nhs? what happened to humanity? empathy? love? loyalty? honour?