New relationship advice

[partyanimalmummy]

Hi guys,

I'm looking for a bit of advice about my new relationship.

We met at the start of Jan and things moved fast in the sense of me meeting his friends and family and him meeting my boy. We've said from the start we're not in a rush to label our relationship. This was more him than me but I'm happy with the way things are. We're not even friend's on Facebook (not that this matters).

We spend a lot of time together, mainly up where he lives. We have so much fun, I come and go from his house as I wish (hides a key for me) and have a healthy sex life. Its a very easy relationship with no arguments (yet!!). Ive put no pressure on him to make us official. I've known from the start that he struggles expressing his emotions but he does things for me which shows he cares and he's very affectionate. I'm in no way a secret, he's just scared of labelling the relationship and opening himself up to hurt. (In my opinion both of us are now vulnerable to being hurt despite the lack of a label as we've both invested in the relationship).

Anyway, his mates often ask him when he's going to make it official. But this weekend his mate stepped it up a gear and basically told me that he's obviously not that into me if he's not making it official, that I need to get some self worth and self respect and make him work for the relationship. He suggested that I stop being so 'available' to see him and play hard to get. I've made it clear that I'm not into games, I want an easy, game free life as I'm in my 30's a single mum with a good job and own home. I spoke to the guy I'm seeing about this and he was pissed off that his mate had been saying this (amongst other stuff) to me. He was adamant that he doesnt want me to play this game and we'll become official when we are both ready. As far as I'm concerned, if I need to play games to make a guy commit then he's the wrong guy for me.

I'm now wondering is he right though, maybe he doesn't actually want to be with me? Should I just walk away because I'm not getting into these games?

Xx

What's it got to do with his mate? Listen to what your bloke says and ignore his friend.

You've met his friends and family, he's met your son, you come and go from his house as you please ... and it's not official? What's with the reluctance to label what is obviously a relationship? We've all been hurt. A label isn't a jinx.

What his mate said was out of order but could he possibly have seen this behaviour and reluctance to commit before, thus causing his outburst?

You're not official yet hes met your child? I'd be more concerned about the risk of that relationship. It's fine you deciding you're happy with no attachment, what about your child?

My only experience of this was because the guy wanted to be able to justify everything on a technicality.

After five months and everything I knew of our relationship, ‘boyfriend’ slipped out one day. He hit the roof and I ended whatever it was.

You don’t need labels but you do need to know what the boundaries of your relationship actually are. Otherwise either of you can turn around to the other and say ‘but we’re not actually together...’

It seems pretty daft that he won’t make the relationship official. Does this mean he can still sleep with other women? I think there’s truth in what his friend said.

Also what Ubbes said. Screams "get out clause". If a man is willing to meet your son, and have you meet his family and friends then it is pretty serious or at least should be and there should be no issue in giving your relationship a label. What does it change other than taking away the option to fuck someone around?

Hi, thank you for your replies.

He is scared to make the commitment. I understand his reasons and don't feel the need to pressurise him about it, it's only been 11 weeks and don't see the rush. He's met my son as a friend, I'm not concerned about the lack of label has on my son. Me and him are happy with the way our relationship is progressing, it's everyone else that seems to think we need to make it official! His mate has just fried my brain really

It sounds like an official relationship from what you've said. Does it need to named as official? I don't get it.

Also neither of us are sleeping with others and we've both made it very clear that if either of us did then we'd walk away. I genuinely don't think it's a get out clause but I may be wrong

What exactly is he scared of? A label won't make it hurt any more or less.

I agree you shouldn't do it for other people, but I'd be wary in general of any man who was willing to move as fast as you say but still be willing to fully commit to the relationship but accept all of the benefits of one. If you were just going on the odd few dates I'd understand, but you've both met the significant people in each other's lives, he leaves keys for you to come and go from his home, you'd both walk away should someone else be on the scene
... If you're scared to commit you don't behave that way.

*unwilling to commit

Ignore his mate and just crack on, things will evolve at their own speed.

I know it won't hurt any less but in his brain it won't. One of his reasons is He likes to do his own thing and go away lots and women in the past have tried to stop him doing this and he's worried that I'll do the same. Since we've been seeing echother he's been abroad twice and I've been once and I'm away this weekend. I think he just wants to learn about each other before making the full commitment. I agree that it is a relationship but I want us to make the decision of being official not because his friends think we're mad by not doing it straight away

You've known him less than 2 months and you've entangled your son in this nonsense?! I despair I really do! So often on mn we read threads where people have rushed into things and then they're bewildered when it goes tits up!!

And here's another thing - his mate knows him! He's probably seen him stringing women along without committing before. Sounds to me more like he gave you a reasonable heads up.

However back to earlier point - YOU HAVE KNOWN HIM less than 2 MONTHS you need to slow things right down and STOP involving your son so much!

At this point it should be occasional dates and overnights that your child is unaware of at most! It's far too early to have access to his home and be spending so much time with him especially with your son.

How much time are you now giving to your son WITHOUT the boyfriend (and you can barely call him that!) there?

Also on mn MANY threads by now adult mners who are still dealing with the mh ramifications of having been raised by a parent who prioritised their love life over parenting their child.

Step right back, spend some time with your boy and see this guy occasionally and build the relationship slowly. If he's a sensible, decent guy he will be fine with this, if he's not then you need to seriously consider whether to continue the relationship at all

Frankly it's reminding me of the guy Phoebe dates in friends who is joeys hero, reluctant to sleep with her until she in frustration and misunderstanding with his manipulation agrees to do so on his terms.

"He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea."

This guy is the one playing games and not just with your heart but your sons too (how old is your boy?)

Sorry I should have made it clear. My son is not entangled in this at all. I only spend time with him whilst my boy is at his dad so no need for your concern about my son. He's met my boy as a friend whilst we were out with others

Sounds like he's keeping you dangling in case something better comes along.

You made it official when you let him meet your dc and go in and out of his home. You allowed him to play this ridiculous game, your acting as if he's your boyfriend but letting him play the field, which he is at least on tinder.
You can't say he isn't because you both agree not to but you don't have a clue what's going on. You say your taking it slowly but you actions are different.

Other bad women have stopped him having his time?... you know that he's telling you that so you stay in your lane.
My exh does this, he tells my mother ( she's nosey) it's all good at the beginning and then they start getting needy or having an issue with me having my time. Two of them he got a flat with and a soon as the year was up he was gone.

What exactly does "making it official" entail? Is it using the magic words of girlfriend/boyfriend? Is it taking out an ad in the local paper? Changing statuses on social media?

I dont think i could be arsed to stay entangled with someone who plays word games like this. You either want to be with me, or you sling your hook. Do things properly or not at all.

His mate knows him a LOT better than you do.

Anyway, his mates often ask him when he's going to make it official

Yeah this just doesn't happen.

"Not in a rush to label our relationship" sounds like the kind of pseudo-intellectual bollocks a certain type of bloke comes out with in order to keep you at arm's length whilst appearing woke and in touch with his inner feelings.

What is a ‘full commitment’ in this instance. Saying you’re going out with each other?

The mate could be stirring, concerned that your OH will have less time for him? Some men are immature about the impact of girlfriends on "the boys", even at age 30+.

Just a suggestion. If that seems unlikely and there's no other explanation for the mate's comment, i would assume that unfortunately he's being truthful about your OH.

Do.people in their 30's honestly talk about making things official?

This is bullshit, you're a placeholder to this guy.

Bloody hell.
He won’t put a “label” on it (that makes him sound like a navel gazing posturing late teen, btw) yet you’ll let him meet your son.
None of this “only as a friend” bollocks please - you’re saying that because you know you’ve done the wrong thing bringing strangers willy nilly into his life.