How often should you remind someone of your boundaries?

[mogratpineapple]

My DH does something that makes me feel uncomfortable when we're out. I told him about it years ago and said that if he does it again I will just leave the situation.

My question is: do I tell him why I leave or just go? The reason why I'm reluctant to say 'ok you've done it again, I'm off' is because he always denies that he does it and it starts a row, which runs on for days. Also repeating the same thing seems like nagging to me.

I would rather just pick up my bag and go without explanation. Is this the best action though?

Well what does he do?

I think it depends on what is pushing your boundaries and if you ABU with it. Assuming it's serious enough, then just leave.

What will walking off without warning solve? Unless you plan on staying gone because of his blatant disrespect for your feelings then the fight will only continue when he gets home and again go on for days surely?

I don't want to go into what the behaviour is because the issue is my response.

I feel so shit I simply want to go, but yes, it will probably be carried on at home. Sigh

Well, I think it completely depends on the severity of what he is doing that annoys you so much.
If it's a relatively small thing, that he's probably not doing on purpose, then storming off seems a bit U. And asking him (again) not to do that would perhaps be a better idea, as frustrating as it may be.
However if it is something more serious, yes, absolutely leave the situation.

How often is he doing this? If it's a couple of times a year.. it's almost excusable. Weekly, you've got bigger problems than just him pulling your trigger.

Oh, Christ, he's one of those gropers, isn't he? Like a dog marking its territory. Yuck. Sex pest. Am I right? Yes, leave the situation.

No one can advise you to leave, stay or anything without you explaining what he's doing.

Exactly.. how can anyone advise you on what action to take without knowing what's causing you to need to take any action..

If you want help, you have to tell what he does and not drip feed.

It's not drip feed, I just don't want to get sidetracked into that. I see it as a boundary issue and all I want to know is whether part of my consequence should be saying why I'm doing it (for the umpteenth time).

I'm imagining it could be something like groping you in public, or being very rude to waiters, or oogling other women (that one is easy to deny).

I think I would say quietly to him "you are oogling again (for example). I told you that I wouldn't stay if you do that" and then get up and walk off. I couldn't just walk away from my husband without a word in public.

They get reminded once and if they cross the line, fuckety bye to them I’m afraid.

Can you use the approach of giving him a final warning.

You're doing x again, I will get up and walk out if you continue

then follow through if he doesn't stop.. otherwise it's meaningless and you've just let him erode your boundary.

It sounds from your OP that you told him about it years ago and he hasn't done it since because you haven't had to respond to it happening again yet? If that's the case then yes, I'd restate my boundaries before leaving.
I suspect that's not the case though and he has done it since and you just haven't responded as you said you would? In which case, he's thoroughly trampled on your boundaries and you haven't followed through so why would he change it? It makes it almost meaningless to restate because it didn't happen last time.

Have you ever just walked off?

Denying he's done it would be a red flag for me, whatever the thing is that he does, he's gas lighting you.

You can just walk away for 15 minutes, then return and ask "can you stop xxx now?"
If he does it again, walk away for 30 mins.

A bit like training a toddler by putting them in time out, and upping the length of it each time he transgresses.

BUT - it does depend a little on what it is. If he blows his nose a funny way then I'd say you're being U to even notice. If he's doing something to you then just walk off. If it's something like how he looks at other women, that's harder. It could be you being jealous, or it could be him, and no-one can tell from the internet.

It sounds like he knows what it is so you could just leave next time he does it. Maybe he'll realise and stop.

If it's ogling women, or groping you, then I'd be really robust with him. If it's ill-mannered stuff like nose picking id be annoyed but it wouldn't result in a farewell.

It depends what the behaviour is. If he's sneezing loudly then you would be unreasonable, if he's grabbing your boobs then you would absolutely not be unreasonable.

You’ve already communicated your boundary and warned him of the consequences of stepping over it, if he does it again, all you have to do is follow through.

The thing is, you’re treating this like it’s an isolated incident (although an often repeated isolated incident) but given his previous responses and the repetition of the behaviour, you know you have bigger problems. The bigger problem being that he doesn’t care about your boundary/s , not that you haven’t properly explained what they are.

To answer your question:

Once.

You remind them once. That means you've told them twice. In your shoes, if my DH did something that (I am assuming) violated my physical boundaries - and he knows he's violating them, because I've already told him - I would get up and leave with no explanation.

"Right, that's it. I'm off."

If he did it again, the relationship would be over.