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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to feel really confused and shit about this?

10 replies

dogred · 25/03/2019 10:53

Have NC for this. I could really do with some reasonableness judgement - I'm just splitting up from my DP of 4 years, and am finding it really hard to get over some stuff that has happened in our relationship. We had a row last night because I brought some of this stuff up.

A big thing is a time when we were arguing and after he tried to drive his car away with the door open and my dog in front of it - I smashed a glass on the side of the car (very bad I know). The problem is, after that he chased me down the road and kicked me, I was backing away and he was at me shouting with his fist clenched - I knew he was going to punch me so I shouted to him not to - loud enough for some dog walkers to hear - and he didn't. He's never been violent before or since.

Now, I feel like I should have left him then. When I brought it up he says he's never done anything like that with anyone else, so it must be me. That I am responsible. The problem is I've been in some shocking relationships before and I can't deal with taking responsibility for his actions. It scares me a lot that he says I made him do it as I fee like all my relationships are going to be like this. AIBU? thanks

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 25/03/2019 10:54

I'd get this moved to Relationships if I were you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/03/2019 10:55

You didn't make him do it. It's in him.

Get away from him. Not only because the type of man who is violent once will be again; but because he is not taking any responsibility for it.

Original poster

dogred · 25/03/2019 11:03

OK thanks. I've asked for it to be moved. I don't think he'll be violent again its just the idea that I am responsible for his behaviour - I'm more than capable of losing the plot, but i'd never physically attack him.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 25/03/2019 14:52

You will be fine. It was him not you. Smashing a glass on the side of his car was bad, but I think I'd prrobably feel as strongly if it was my dog.

Happynow001 · 25/03/2019 15:37

Better that you split with him now than walk on eggshells in case it might happen again. If this happened again who knows whether it wouldn't go further because there were no witnesses to help you?

thewreckofthehesperus · 25/03/2019 15:44

It's classic abusive person tactics, thay can't possibly be responsible for being violent so it must be your fault, that they were driven to it.

It's bullshit, everyone has to take responsibility for the things that they do. Do not listen to him and hold onto that logic in your head. Most of all, detach, detach, detach.

thewreckofthehesperus · 25/03/2019 15:49

To add, dissecting your problems and trying to get an abusive person to admit fault is in my experience pointless. If you've decided the relationship is over then remove yourself from the situation, he was aggressive, violent and who knows what else he would ahve done if there hadn't been people there to witness it.

If you need help processing things I would recommend counselling, trust me it's a lot more productive and healing than going around in circles with an ex.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/03/2019 16:08

When I brought it up he says he's never done anything like that with anyone else, so it must be me.

Yep right. He's obviously telling the truth there, I mean he's such a reasonable, trustworthy, loving person... oh wait...

It's not you, it's him.

Original poster

dogred · 25/03/2019 16:32

Thanks for replies everyone - they have helped. i do feel like I've done him an injustice here - he's really not that bad. I think he's telling the truth that he hasn't ever had a relationship as volatile as this before, and I believe that he hasn't ever physically attacked anyone before. My main issue is where I am left now we split up - this is not the only issue and there are a few things that have really affected my (already quite shit) self esteem. I'm really scared that I'm just going to be in a never ending cycle of abusive relationships! this is actually by far the least abusive one i've had for the last 15 years or so. I have PTSD from something in my early 20s and it just seems to keep repeating itself. But you're right thewreckofthehesperus - I need to process this with someone other than him now. It's just making us both really unhappy. Thanks again.

OP posts:

thewreckofthehesperus · 25/03/2019 17:31

Be kind to yourself, it's very hard coming out of a relationship like that. It took me a significant amount of time to get over my emotionally abusive ex. It's only when you're free you start to get some perspective and to see how bad things actually were.

I can recommend the freedom programme and counselling as I mentioned above to help you deal with things and move on in a healthy manner. I think having someone impartial telling you what is or isn't normal goes along way to validating how you're feeling. Too often in relationships we're made to feel 'mad' for having totally normal reactions to situations just so the abuser can justify their behaviour.

When you're told your crazy or irrational for long enough it can start to sink in, look after yourself

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