I dont know what to do for the best

[lonelyguy]

Hiya all. I have been living with my ex, trying to save to move out. Our 2 kids up until a week ago didnt know we had split but the eldest 9 year old started asking questions. So we told him and he has decided he wants to be with me.

The problem is I have no friend or family support. I dont have much money to buy things for when I did get a new place. So when I do move out its going to be really hard emotionally and financially.

Our son would have to start a new school after having just moved to a new school in October last year.. Both kids did. Hes got a good group of friends where he is already and we live in an area where he can go out the front and play pretty safely.

So the plan was for me to move out and leave my ex and youngest 6 year old behind. However, over the weekend another suggestion cropped up and that was for my ex to move out with our youngest. She has all the family and friend support and going through the council she will try to stay in the same area, otherwise if its taking too long she will end up going to her mothers (30 miles away) .

Also work would be a struggle as I would have to change careers and get a part time job in school hours.

So the options are:

1. I move out and leave both kids behind (even tho eldest wants to come with me).

1. My ex moves out with the youngest

1. I move out with the eldest.

My ex is more than happy to move out (she was the one who dumped me) . Our 2 kids do everything together. The youngest does not know anything at this time. It would break her heart.

My ex seems to just want a quick escape regardless of the need or want of the kids.

What do you lovely people think I should do?

You need to keep your children together.

I have four kids, I didn't leave any behind, you get a job and you just get on with it.

Also, I had no family support, no one.

Myheartbelongsto

There was a 4th option.

That was me keeping both kids but my ex didnt want that to happen. She said she wants at least 1 child.

So should I be the one to go or should she go?

She was the one who ended the relationship, said she had settled down too young, wants to go back clubbing at least once a month.

Should the mother automatically have the right to have the kids?

Both kids stay together. End of.
Don't use the kids as a tool in your split.

Don’t split your children.

What type of mother decides she is okay with taking one child? What is in the best interests of the children?

Both kids stay together and they spend some time with each of you. Whatever you do, you need to treat them like people - young, vulnerable people - rather than your CD collection. Argue all you like over who gets to keep The Best Of The Eagles but your kids are not possessions to be divided up. Your relationship is not their mess to have to deal with and they need to feel loved and wanted by both of you, even though you cannot be together any more.

Wow she said she wants "at least 1 child"? Sounds like she's talking about pets rather than your children . Don't split the kids up, that would be horrible for them. If she wants to be selfish, shirk her parental responsibilities and go back to her youth and clubbing on the weekends she should be the one to leave and you should be the full time parent. It sounds to me like you would be capable of being there for them and happy to take on being a single parent. She needs to realise that when she had kids it stopped being about her, what's best for the kids is what has to happen and the life she now wants to have doesn't sound best for them just best for her.

Sorry she's being such a childish shit about everything and to you.

Backstabbath thanks for replying.

I dont think they are being used as a tool.

My son has said he wants to stay with me. Do I not listen to him? Or does that mean my youngest stays with me also.

My ex seems adamant she wants at least one.

So does that mean they stay with her.

Who should they stay with? The youngest does not know anything as yet but shes too young to make a decision. If we asked her and she said she wanted to stay with the eldest, does that mean that I have them?, but my ex will not be happy.

I am responding to the messages one by one so bear with me please.

Halo84 I am not sure.

The plan originally was for me to go and leave the kids behind. However the eldest has now said he wants to be with me. I dont want to reject him or feel like I am pushing him away.

So if he wants to be with me does that mean both stay with me?

Do you not understand? Your kids spend some of the week with you and some of the week with her. Unless there is a compelling reason not to (and you don't give small kids toe onerous task of playing favourites. That is so damaging) that is how things are usually arranged.

If you are for real, you need independent advice before you fuck them up for life.

PickAChew - thanks for replying.

They will be spending time with both parents but it is who should have them full-time that is the problem, as the eldest has said he wants to be with me.

LargeGlassofWhiteWine - thanks for the reply.

Sometimes when reading a post it seems things are said that could have come from out of my mouth. Your reply was exactly that. Everything you said was what I was thinking but wanted somebody else to say the same thing.

However, is that the right choice tho? How would I make her see that way and if she doesnt agree, does that mean I walk away so that the kids stay together?

PickAChew - I replied to your previous post before seeing your 2nd post.

It is agreed that we will be having them like normal people do -

Monday - Friday by parent number one

Saturday/Sunday by parent number two.

However the problem remains on who should have them on those days.

There are 2 options now.

1 - I stay where I am with the kids

2 - She has the kids. I move out.

But you also need to take into account the eldest wants to stay with me.

They sound like parcels - really it is so hard to read this. My ex seems adamant she wants at least one. Jeez!

And that is why you need independent advice, either from a solicitor or through mediation www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/mediation

Stay where you are and keep your children. Mediate her time with them.

Could you not both live locally to each other and the school and split 50/50. My friend has hers Monday-Wednesday morning school drop off and every other weekend. They get picked up by dad Wednesday and stay at his til Friday evening or Sunday evening depending on whose weekend it is. Kids have rooms with everything duplicated in both (clothes/uniform/toys) so both feel like "home" and there is no handover or arguments over anything. Kids are very happy, know what days they are where and parents do Christmas and parties etc together.

Will keep you updated as I plan to discuss it with her tonight.

If your ex prioritises going clubbing over her children, she should move out. You can parent both kids, even if it means changing jobs. Single mums manage to work and bring up children so you should be able to also. I know it's not so simple in practice but if your son already wants to stay with you and it would be damaging for the children to split them up, you should be the primary care-giver. Your ex wants to party; she clearly puts her happiness and well-being before that of your children. Let her go.

Does she want "at least one" to not have to pay you maintenance?

You have joint custody and you live near one another to make it as seamless and stress free for your children.

They are not commodities to be exchanged or bartered with. You both need to give your heads a wobble and put the children first.

Joint custody, 50/50 split. No maintainence costs from either parent.

I’m sorry to ask this of you, but do you or your partner have leArning difficulties and if you do you may find the CAB useful in finding you an advocate.