If you experience domestic violence when do you draw the line and quit with your partner?

[Mauratee]

I would like to get some opinions here just to try help a friend, she’s been married for a few years with a kid and been a rocky/calm relationship, problem is that her hubby is short tempered and shouts at her anywhere whenever things go wrong, he complains a lot as well, otherwise he is loving and kind. A bad row happened once which he said she embarrassed him in front of her in-laws and he went after her shouting, she shouted back and he slapped her hard. This shocked her and she could not contain it, especially because her parents were around, their children also witnesses his tantrums. He calmed later and apologised, but she is worried he’ll loose it again at some point and do similar. I am trying to advice her but it’s difficult for me as I do not want to say quit and ruin a marriage, so I’m wondering when is it best to say no more, I’m done? should she give him 2 chances or 3 and quit after that?

It would be him that has ruined the marriage if she leaves not her, and she should leave. When children witness violence and regular ‘tantrums’ from an adult whose job it is to keep them safe and secure it’s time to go.

It’s no way to live

No chances at all
She should leave him

Good God no.

Does she want social services asking her what it would take for her to protect herself and her children from a violent twat?

Domestic violence is just a big fat NO. There isn't a maybe it'll work out. No, you KNOW it will not work out because only a fool would want to work things out with someone prepared to hit you. That goes double if you have kids.

She needs to put her child first and leave.

I have a relative whose husband beat her for 15 years when he was drunk. One day, she told him if he ever hit her again she would leave him. He never hit her again

My point is, slapping your friend was a choice, one fully within her husband’s control. As is the verbal abuse. It’s up to your friend to decide how she chooses to deal with both.

When do you draw the line?

Would say before but definitely after

he slapped her hard

Are you asking how many times he has scream at her or hit her to warrant her leaving.

She’s been saying that her colleague at work advices her to see a marriage councillor and get help with his anger issues, & I feel she’s drawn towards this thought, she said for the sake of her love for him & for her child

It’s for her childs sake she should leave. His issues are for him to solve, not her

If someone does it once and you stay, you've given the green light.

I saw a friend in an utterly miserable abusive relationship for nearly 10 years before seeing sense. It was only when her DH took a knife to her sons throat that she was shaken out of her apathy and belief he'd change.

Wouldn't be my choice. No kids should ever live in a house when one partner is abusive to the other, what life is that?

All the research shows that anger management doesn't work if he isn't angry at work or with friends or outside the home what he is doing is targeting her
In fact anger management teaches them to hide their anger and often the warning signs that women look out for get masked which makes them more at risk

The problem for a lot of people (I would assume this includes the friends colleague who is suggesting counselling), that physical violence is only one part of the abuse, and it's often not the worst one (at the beginning anyway). What happens in and around it is the emotional abuse, walking on eggshells to stop him going off on one and believing he's changing because there hasn't been an incident. It takes space away to realise there wasn't an incident because you altered your behaviour and did as you were told.

Your friend should leave. She may not realise it but her children are learning quickly not to upset dad, don't make too much noise / play certain games / ask him too many questions. They're learning how to appease a bullying man, and seeing that this is 'normal' and what they should expect in relationships when they're grown up.

My line - in my previous relationship, I let my ex tell me who to talk to, what to wear, monitor where I went. He checked my phone, turned up on nights out, isolated me from a lot of people. He pushed and shoved me. Told me how awful I was.
Sadly, my line wasn't even drawn by me. My ex's mum found him kicking me while I led on the floor and she drew my line. She told my parents and her family. Between her and my mum, I got away and didn't have chance to consider going back - but this was because I was young (18).

Now, my line is anything that makes me alter my behaviour or feel scared. For behaviour, I will discuss it first but if (my lovely) DH pushed me to change just to appease him / prevent a consequence of any sort, that would cross a line. And to be feeling scared - if he did it on purpose, that's it.
There's not a lot of wiggle room there but after my ex, I think my boundaries are fair and healthy.

no more chances

Years ago I dated a abuser.

When I went to leave he fractured both my arms, and I let him off the rough treatment and I walked straight into that and tbh lucky to be alive. If I had not outsmarted him to run outside the back garden and when he went to block go to the front door. I would have been a lot worse then a bruise cheek and 2 fractured arms

He’s already crossed that line by hitting her. I’d have kicked him out or left. There is just no excuse. The regular yelling just makes it worse.

I grew up in a house like that. It was utterly miserable & damaging. She needs to get her kids out of that environment if she won’t do it for her own sake.

she should
leave but in reality lots of women dont

I think some women find it hard to let go when they love the man, and prob the saying that ‘love is blind’ may be true in such cases

When he kills you, that’s when you should ‘ruin’ a marriage.

Anger management issues my arse, is he verbally and physically abusing others or is he just failing in ‘managing’ his expression of anger with her.

Once he’s given himself permission to hurt her and she accepts it, where do you think it will end?

Seriously? You think that if you advise her to leave a violent abusive bully, that she will be the one 'ruining' the marriage?
You think she should 'allow' him to hit her (or worse) THREE TIMES before she can leave?

What are you on? If she was hit by a stranger in the street, would you say 'Oh you can go back for more; it's only been once'?

Seriously, I am flabbergasted that anyone calling themselves a 'friend' would advise someone to stay to be hit. No one should be hit, ever, especially by someone who is supposed to 'love' her.

Get her out, and I think you'll find that she doens't 'love' him - more likely she is 'blinded' by fear, by twats advising her from the Dark Ages to 'stay with her man', by guilt (piled on from the Dark Ages advisors ) and fear of being alone.

Stop telling her to put his anger first.

She needs to leave, if he is capable of hitting her once he WILL do it again. She's already treading on eggshells because if his temper. She won't have ruined the marriage, he already has with his behaviour. The children will already be affected.
I know it's not always easy to just leave (I made mine leave the home ) but she cannot live like this.

And yes, wait until SS find out that she is staying with an abuser - witnesses to abuse (children) are being abused themselves. And they will act to get them help - before the 'Cycle Of Abuse' goes with them (The Children) into their adulthood.

If she stays with someone who abuses her, she is failing them by letting them witness abuse and not getting them out.

THAT is 21st century advice for your friend. Not from the Dark Ages.

She needs to leave immediately. What you're describing is a classic pattern of escalating abusive behaviours. It is extremely unlikely that he will stop. Counselling is not advised in cases of abuse, and responsible counsellors won't actually accommodate that, because the counselling can become another vehicle for control.

Personally, I left it too long. I took years of escalating verbal abuse, controlling behaviour, and rages. I didn't leave when she pinned me up against the kitchen work surface and hit me repeatedly in the face because I hadn't cancelled my Facebook account the first time she told me to. I eventually left the second time she assaulted me, when she escalated again and used a laptop as a weapon - coming close to breaking both my hands. It was the presence of the kids that time and the involvement of the Police (rightly called by my family) that finally persuaded me this wouldn't get better.

Abusers abuse because they can. The only answer is to get out the first time. It's the toughest decision she will ever make. Your role is simply to be there for her, help her to see and understand what is happening, and support her.

You would do well to read as much as you can on the web about abuse, so that you are kn the nest place to support her. And please, never ever encourage her to give him another chance.

She needs to ask herself if he would slap his boss or mates if he was angry...... Im guessing not, so why is she fair game?