High standards after divorce

[DoNotStopToCollectBelongings]

Hi, has anyone struggled with a new relationship post divorce & too high standards?

I met such a kind man, been together nearly a year. He has psychological illness which can make him selfish and he also plays he hero through his kindness. I guess we all like our egoes stroked but I wonder if I am being too picky & demanding, maybe even controlling? He has rushed the relationship along so it feels intense & like a power struggle sometimes.

I love him dearly but somehow I wind up feeling needy.

In all other respects, he is a love; texting routinely, being supportive, being in love with me. But in other ways...he sometimes forgets to ask how my day went, or details about my week. Since we’ve been together I’ve felt high levels of anxiety. It feels unusual.

Advice, please!

Sounds like he is not the right guy for you. If you have high standards why are you with someone with psychological problems. You are only going to find this a constant struggle. Really get high standards and find a guy with fewer issues.
I say this as someone married to a man with bipolar diagnosed 15 years into our marriage after it triggered due to a very stressful situation.
You have an opportunity to find the right guy now don't settle for less.

I had high standards after my divorce.

Tbh it doesnt sound like your standard is too high. The relationship has problems in the early days.

Sometime, no matter how much we care for someone a relationship just doesnt work.

He forgets to ask "how your day went or details about your week"? Does he know he's supposed to? Your expectations are sky high, aren't they, OP? It would never cross my dp's mind to ask! Don't invent hurdles for the poor sod to jump! Ffs!

Bluntly, your post demonstrates low standards, not high.

He sounds like he's grooming you for escalating abuse and that your confusion is a symptom of the cognitive dissonance between his nastiness then lovebombing to reel you back in.

Remember that abusers dont use all the same tactics. Just because he doesn't do the same abusive things your ex did, doesn't mean he doesn't use equally effective but different tactics to abuse.

To paraphrase from the relationships sticky, just because you've escaped from a level 10 bastard, don't jump in with the next level 8 bastard that comes along.

Reg flags are flapping around this one.

It would never cross my dp's mind to ask! Don't invent hurdles for the poor sod to jump!

Really? Your and your do never ask how your week or days has been?

It would be enter my mind or dps mind not to. Neither of us have been told to ask. We are just interested in eachother and what we have been up to.

PicsInRed has it.

Listen to your gut - you are anxious in this relationship for a reason. You could spend more time becoming increasingly more anxious trying to understand and rationalise his behaviour or dissect the relationship.

Or you could just decide this is all I need to know (I feel anxious) to decide that it is not nourishing and healthy to you - you are not compatible emotionally.

Don’t know any psychological illness that has the listed symptom of selfishness is the medical diagnosis manuals - or anyone I know who has a MH issue that is allowed to behave badly. Who taught you that?

The selfish and then being kind - is deliberately blowing hot and cold so that he can erode your boundaries slowly. This is abusive and grooming. Have a look back at what you considered selfish in the early days and see if these behaviours have become more frequent or their are other deeper selfish behaviours.