anyone’s marriage destroyed by in-laws?

[namechanged200partyover]

I think mine is. My in-laws are utter c*ts. Too long to detail but essentially always had a fraught relationship with DH. Things came to a head about 4 years ago- long story short they made it all about me...

They haven’t seen me or kids in all that time and haven’t tried to make things better. DH was absolutely appalled by their behaviour jnitally and told them they had burnt bridges but as time has gone on he had struggled. Tried to resolve it many times and had it thrown back in his face. He’s not the best at communicating openly about it but that is essentially it. I have had to deal with his moods and sadness about it - not easy.

Over the past few months however, he has done a bit of a u-turn. Directing anger over the situation towards me in a horrible way - almost blaming me for it too. He will insist the kids need to see them, that they need to visit (I have no idea if they even would want to!) but if I express feeling uncomfortable (as I understandly would!) he becomes very aggressive indeed. Calls me a nasty bitch etc, says he no longer wants to me married to me. It’s like he’s done a u-turn and wants us to develop amnesia so he can feel better....

We have lovely young kids who are picking up on the tension. Don’t know what to do anymore.

He has never dealt with his parents or perhaps has ever wanted to hence my inertia comment re him. Such inertia only serves to hurt him as well as his own family unit.

Namechanged, it took years to persuade him to see the gp who diagnosed depression and anxiety in 2014. His upbringing has resulted in his condition now and affects him in every way. My husband refused to take the Meds the gp prescribed back in 2014. He eventually went to see a councillor who was not treating his depression or anxiety she as a sounding board for him. It took him repeatedly threatening to kill himself when our son was months old for me to intervene by contacting the centre where he went for counselling because I could just not cope with trying to shore my husband up and look after my infant son. He was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed him Meds which he finally started to take last year. We started seeing the couples therapist in August last year and he finally started his own individual cbt in December last year. It is a very long road for him to tread but I insisted he gets treatment or I would have to leave him for my own sake and crucially for my son.

If I was in your situation, I would remind DH that you were and are not the 'bad guy' in this situation; at the time he could see that it was his parents and he called them out on it. If he now wants to put their behaviour behind him, he can. BUT he should not expect you to be able to do the same. You have no problem if he wants to see his parents, but you will not. Their behaviour/comments were too vile for you to just overlook.

MY ILs, or more specifically my MIL has made comments and behaved in ways that have really upset me. However, it's based on her fear of perception of what others might think. For example:

• She thought we were too young to get engaged and wanted to choose when we did it instead
• She told my OH that she didn't want him to get married at all and that she would break her heart if he did. She then told everyone at the wedding that she felt bereaved!
• She said there were worse things that could happen than my Dad having terminal cancer (ie, it could be one of her relatives)

-She told my OH that she would never speak to him again if he didn't spend his first Christmas Day married with her (despite it being my Dad's birthday and his last Christmas/Birthday, as we knew he was going to die) -Tell us that no one in her side of the family was to know about my son's disability -Insist that our children should be christened - they aren't!

She wants everyone to think she has a lovely happy family that are there at all celebrations and that everyone is perfect.

With the exception of my OH seeing her during the day on Christmas Day the first year we were married (my suggestion to him to keep the peace, which he said afterwards he would never spend apart from me again) we didn't do what she wanted. The upshot is that my OH doesn't see her much and we go when I say that we should see her - otherwise we would never go. Our children don't really know her and she doesn't know them, what they achieve or what they like.

I have found it useful to forgive her when she apologises but not to forget. I don't behave as she does; I'm better than that. Our lives are based on giving time to each other and our children, whereas they are very materialistic and think money makes up for poor behaviour - it doesn't.

I think accepting that people are different is helpful. You don't have to like someone to find away to get along. Similarly you don't have to agree to unreasonable demands.

Yes my mil is ruining our marriage. dh does same to and blames me for it, calls me terrible names etc etc I can't take it no more