Husband withdrawn all affection

[Dizzyduck90]

Hello,

I've been a lurker for a while but this is my first post.

Been with my DH for 9 years, married for 4. Since December time he has completely withdrawn any sort of intimacy and affection towards me. I practically have to beg him for a hug, can't remember the last time he said he loved me without begrudgingly grunting it back when I say it to him. And our sex life is pretty much non-existent right now (it was usually really good). He is moody, literally spend most of my time walking on egg shells as to not cause another argument. We usually watch the TV together in the evenings, but realised that he started keeping the laptop close and as soon as I went upstairs to settle our two year old back to sleep (usually about 10pm), he would grab the laptop and quickly close it as soon as I came back down. I know I shouldn't but I snooped and realised that he watches porn why I am settling our two year old. It's not the fact he watches porn, its more that he has replaced any intimacy with me with its use. He has also set up a fake facebook account to search for ex girlfriends. I suppose it serves myself right for looking. I am devastated. One of the worst things I have ever felt is being married to someone yet feeling so lonely. Has anyone been through anything similar?

Yes I have and I later found out he had been living a secret life of many different types of sexual encounters. Detach from him so you can think straight.

Nothing wrong with watching porn it wouldn't upset me. It would upset me if he was watching it and withdrawing from me however. What happend in December any that's made him change? Any stressful or worrisome events? To be honest I would tell him what you've found. I'd say I was worried about him as so snooped. See what his reaction and excuse are!

Kind of, and no it's not the fact it has replaced the intimacy (although I can understand why this would hurt), it's the fact he's secretive about it. It is an addiction. Are you comfortable with what he's been looking at? I'd be deciding whether to confront. Be prepared for denial so have all the evidence you need first.

Watching porn in the living room when your family are at home is pretty odd if you ask me, Worried

Yes I have after 9 years of marriage/13 years together and sorry to say it lasted for around 5 months before he finally said he didn’t love me anymore and left.needless to say there was an inevitable OW involved. Not saying this will happen to you OP but I’d be prepared for it. Know your worth and that you can’t carry on with things the way they are.sending hugs x

Thank you for the replies. Nothing in particular to say why his behaviour has changed since Christmas but he told me new years eve he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't love me, then he did two weeks barely speaking to me why he figured out what it is that he wants and then decided he wanted to stay together as a family and denied saying it and promised me we would try and get our relationship back on track. Nothing at all has changed on his part, he has just become really emotionally distant. I got upset last night and told him that I now dread when our two year old cries as I know that he goes straight on his laptop rather than putting any intimacy into our relationship. I told him how lonely I feel. He just said he does care about me and he never intended on making me feel that way. I honestly don't know what to do or think. I've told him I don't see a future but he doesn't take me seriously on it as he knows how much I wanted to keep our family together.

I asked if there was a OW, but he denied it saying when does he have time. I don't believe there is as he is not secretive about his phone or anything plus he is either at home or work, but I worry this could happen with how emotionally distant he is. I feel so embarrassed that I have to beg him for a hug or to even hold my hand. He told me last night he isn't a 'touchy feely' person, but now I feel conned into marriage with him as he was the first five years of our relationship!

He's watching porn and seeking out old GFs while being distant with you. As far as he's concerned, your intimate relationship is over and he's putting feelers out elsewhere. He says he wants to stay because it's easier for him. He'd have to parent his own DC EOW if you split. Very telling that's YOU who tends your 2 year old in the evening, while he views porn.

I know what you saying is true. I just feel like my self-esteem and confidence is on the floor. I just so desperately wanted to stay together as a family. He left me when my 2 year old was 6 weeks old at the time and I did 4 months on my own, but then he decided he wanted to come home and give it another go. we both had stuff we could change to make it work, but feels like its me who constantly has to change or isn't good enough. I do most of the stuff for the children as he gets stressed out so easily. To be honest I've always blamed myself, but slowly realising some of these issues or about him too.

I am sorry, this is awful. When i first started reading i thought, she needs to talk to him, but by the end, she needs to get out. His actions and behaviour is grotesque. You need to end the relationship, it shouldn't be his choice ever again if this is how he is behaving. You can still make great decisions when your self esteem is on tatters, because you know what you need to do. Build yourself up, start now. No second chances, hes already had them.

Seems to me that it’s him that calls all the shots and you who does what he wants.

Personally I would get rid of him. He sounds like he has checked out

I have not married but I dated someone like this and turns out he decided he was bored of me without telling me

Then made out I was evil for ending it after 4 months no sex. Was only dating so I just walked. I hope yours isnt op and he is just fiddling himself silly making him not able to. Not cheating.

That's a mean and shitty way for anyone to treat their DH/W/P. So sorry that you are going through this, you do not deserve it

Thanks again for the replies, it helps to get other perspectives. I've told him I don't see a future and that he needs to find somewhere else to stay why I clear my head. He looks upset and doesn't seem to want to leave, yet he is doing nothing at all to try and sort our relationship. I just don't know what to do. We have three DC and on the surface we have a nice life, we still do family day out and holidays, its just underneath between me and him. He is just so emotionally distant. And I feel so lonely and isolated in return. Feel awful for breaking the family up, but how can I continue and have a life with no emotional support and a husband who prefers porn to sex with me? xx

He doesn't want to leave because he has all his home comforts with you, and banks on you accepting whatever he dishes out for the sake of keeping the five of you together.

He does fuck all for the children, gives you no intimacy or sex and dips in and put of the relationship when he's 'not sure' what he wants.

I say you make the decision for him this time! Turn the tables.

He's checked out of the relationship.

He just won't tell you straight up, but from the first time he left you...then NYE... he's said it all really.

Don't stand for his poor treatment of you. You deserve better than that.

He left you two years ago and returned, but has put no effort into the marriage. He recently said he may not love you, ignored you for two weeks, and then denied saying it. You walk on eggshells due to his moodiness. He refuses to parent. He is looking for old girlfriends (and could easily meet up with someone during the day.)

He is completely disengaged from you and has created a gulf of emotional/physical distance between you. He assumes that you will dance to his tune no matter how contemptuously he treats you.

When are you going to draw a firm line under this charade of a marriage? Make a stand and send him on his way for good.