Working with the other woman after the affair

[hurtwife]

I was going to namechange but thought you would all know who it was anyway.

As lots of you know H had affair - pretty typical now as it seems to be such a similar pattern others.

He has returned to work which involves them having daily contact. I was not sure i could handle it but we have been trying. No it has not been at all easy - it brings a lot of anger up and as it is still fairly recent we have not got past many anniversaries ect. Added to this i have a fantastic memory for dates and so some days i can remember what was going on last year. He cant and that makes it all the more frustrating.

Anyway they have both found it difficult to work together and i dont think anyone is surprized. But it looks as though she is going to be moved and although this is not promotion as such it could very well lead to it soon.

I am finding this very difficult and really wanted some good old fashioned revenge tactics to cheer me up.

I have not faced her - not because i am scared but i did feel it would be better for him (i sort of regret that now). I am trying to stay dignified but also want to have a secret chuckle about all the hateful things i could do. But probably wont!!

So any ideas very welcome.

why is your anger aimed at this woman and not at your dh? I don't get it

No well if you haven't been in this position you wouldn't - I guess we have known our (D)Hs for a long time for some reason we still love them and they are the father of our DC - on the other hand a tart we have never met who chased a married man knowing they were married with kids and phoned and texted him up to 50x/day even when he went away with me to "talk"...how should we feel towards her - in my case I actually briefly felt sorry for the girl as it appeared she had been lied to as well - I then discovered the depths of her lies to me and about me and her desperate attempts to wreck my marriage with NO thought for a 5 year old little girl in the middle (and discovered not from (D)H by directly with proof) so yes excuse me I hate her vile eveil immoral little soul and feel I am entitled to - to me she doesn't qualify as a woman just some dirty slapper ....

Obviously you have very strong feelings about what has been an awful experience for you and seemingly still isn't that great. And you are right when you say I don't know what it is like if it hasn't happened to me.

However, I think your dh is the one who has betrayed your trust and who has not properly considered his responsibilities to his daughter, this other woman is just a random stranger who behaved badly, she had no real responsibilities to you or your child. She is nothing to you, it is you and your dh that matter and I think it is misplaced to concentrate mental energy on this other woman.

Rise above it.

The anger is at her because she was not a stranger and knew all about me - of course some of it was lies that she believed.

It hurts because i really dont think i could be as selfish if i knew it would hurt another human being and certainly not repeatly. I hope i have more respect for others than that.

For that i still feel anger - she has had plently of chances to appologise (although i acept that she probably thinks she owes me nothing) I suppose i just live in fairyland where i expect people to be nice to each ohter. Maybe that was my main weakness in the first place - i was too trusting and trusted her too!!!

My anger has been directed at him - and plenty of it - he has done an appauling thing and i will never forget the pain. But i still love the man i know he has been for a lot longer than the one he turned into. He made a mistake and surely everyone is entilled to that. I awould also be able to accept that she made a mistake but i suppose i would like to know that she had at least acknowleged it to me.

Please dont read too much into all this - i am getting over it but it is still relativly recent and i think i am looking for back up of my 'out of character' thoughts.

I feel very lucky in that we have had the chance to re-connect again and our relationship is so much stronger in certain ways which i never believed to be possible a few months ago. And while it is this good i am prepared to stay and enjoy it. If i do have the odd day where i feel anger rising me packing mine or his bags is not going to make it go away is it?

Sorry just read a post again and sorry - but 'a random stanger who has acted badly' - so she is allowed to get away with it?

So if a random stanger mugged me or burgaled my house I should not want justification?

I am not normally the type to feel quite so passionate and i thought that by a little light relief and lauging at some of the 'revenge' stories might make today a bit brighter.

I am sure i will wake up tommorrow feeling a lot better anyway.

no hurtwife its not.........me and dp went through a ruff patch a few years ago and he moved out for a few months, now although he didnt do anything behind my back i know he went all out to deliberately hurt my feelings........anyway we got back together and for months i had seething rage inside me and wondered if us getting back together was the best decision.............yep things r gr8 and im glad we made it thru

Do you know how long it went on for and who started it?

I'm not usually into revenge, but I can understand the gnawing need believe me.

Whne my dh had his first affair I was so hurt. For some reason I wanted all the details in order to be able to trust him again. He told me some embarrassing things about what they did together. At the time I actually gagged when he told me as I was so upset, but then I was able to use them against her. I told her I knew all about what they'd done and gave examples then asked her whether she knew if she had any STDs.

I wanted her to feel like the dirty slag, the bit on the side, who'd interrupted a proper, loving and soulful relationship. So that felt good.

The woman had known we were married, had set out to have an affair with him while they were on tour together. In a very bizarree quirk of fate I also met her a couple of days after news of the affair broke at a busy London mainline station in the concourse. It was purely by chance but an absolutely bizarre coincidence. I approach her, we exchanged a couple of words and I planted a big slap across her cheek. She hit me back, but not as hard. I can't tell you how good it felt and how I enjoyed the fact my hand was stinging from the contact with her face.

His most recent affair is different though. The girl involved doesn't know me and didn't even know dh was married at first. So I have no inkling whatsoever to exact revenge on her. I wish her no harm and don't feel angry with her at all. Only him.

Yes i do know lots of details - when i first found out i think he was in shock and was willing to answer all my questions - i think he regrets that a bit now but i felt that once i knew what i was dealing with it would be easier (which in some ways it is as it helps put all the jigsaw back together). I am not a stupid person either. I am sure they discussed my sex life and so i now feel more even because i know a lot more than i am sure she would like me to. It sort of gives me a bit of power back - as i think that is one of the most hurtful things that she thouhgt she knew a lot about me than i did about her at the time.

I have been the OW, he started it and yes I took the offer up. It was with someone I'd really liked for years and it went on for 18 months. And I work in the same building as his wife; I've no idea if she now knows the whole story but she knew we were friends, they don't have kids. He'd only been married a few months when he came on to me and I was very unhappy in my marriage. He wanted to move in with me once I split from my husband but there was no way I ws going to have him follow his usual pattern of finding his next woman and moving straight from one to another so I said he'd have to leave his wife, live on his own for a while while we officially got together. Turns out, he didn't have the strength to do this and has stayed with his wife. Also turns out he has depression and is now being treated for it. Anyway, I fell for him big time, lots and lots of attention from him, he used to leave me chocolates in my desk, email me poetry he'd written, we'd talk and talk and talk and talk - and all the rest of it. He called me his soulmate. He absolutely broke my heart and it's taken me an awful long time to get over it. He's told me in the months since that he thinks he's made a mistake and we had a hug a few weeks ago but it has been made quite clear to him that there's no way I'd go back to being the OW. We now have very little contact.
I know you lot will have less than zero sympathy for me but that old adage that "it takes two" is so true. As much as I miss him, if we'd got together there's no way I'd have trusted him and I'd hate to be in her shoes.

spider hugs to u, r u still with him?????

Spider that is it - she knew he was married and used the information about how 'crap' life was for him ect - of course she is not the only one to blame but she needs to take her share of the blame as H has. I just dont know how to offload some of this anger sometimes.

Its not all the time and it is getting less now anyway just that i have certain days when it is worse as i can remember what happened even though i bet neither of them could - but that is just my stupid brain remebering dates - please dont tell me any of your bithdays ect as i already have a full head. It is useful though as i sometimes tell friends when their partners/family members birthdays ect are.

i dont think it totally goes away.........i know this is really stupid of me but i rememer things now ocassionally of him being a complete w@*ker and it pisses me off that i wont even speak to him.........the poor thing has no clue what hes done and im all "you know u shit" dont do it very often anymore tho

G and B
Wow - at least you have learnt from it - and no i am not going to cast stones i am sure you have your own pain to contend with. I do think however that men and women get into affairs for very different reasons. I know it is a gerneralization but i think women are looking for a long term 'soulmate' type of love (not sure that really exists though) Having spoken to friends who are in similar positions it seems the men are all given a script to read from.

Maybe we need to educate the potential OW that he is less likely to leave his wife - maybe we all have to accept that men are the weaker sex after all. No i am not a manhater.

I hope to learn from this and teach my children what repect really means we all have choices to make and we can all think for ourselves and we should know the consequences of our actions. Mistakes will still happen but i believe the more we bring into the open the better we will all be.

I am also not as moralistic as that all sounds. I hope one day to laugh at this and just see it as all part of lifes rich tapestry.

well whatever doesnt break u makes u stronger, and u should be proud of yourself that u have been dignified throughout this situation.the only thanks i can actually give to dp is that he gave me the respect to leave before he dicked about

oh hurtwife I feel so much for you...My story similar to many here except I always had an inkling that something had gone on but never actually found out until 6 yrs after the event...She got back in contact with him after having had a baby (mine was 9 months old and hers was 6 months) so I absolutely knew what was going on in her head ie that she'd been a highly successful career woman all suddenly irrelevant when you become responsible for looking after and bringing up a baby. She contacted DH and wanted to get together with him "for old times sake" and he (stupid idiot) arranged to meet up with her...but cancelled it at the last minute...

When it came out my revenge was absolutely to take control. I called her, spoke very rationally to her, asked her how things were going with the baby and how she was adjusting to life as a new mum, baring in mind that I was going through all of this too at a very similar time..... when she started chatting about how wonderful life was I said "well that's great ...because I'm just about to fuck your day up for you....." then listened to the stunned silence as I informed her that I knew that she was trying to
meet up with my husband and how she thought her husband would feel knowing that she was meeting up with an "old friend" ....that she'd committed adultery with before..... I then left a message on her husband's answerphone (I'd met him before and got on quite well with him) NOT giving the details but leaving enough information so that when he walked in that night he would have said "received a message from XX today about getting together what do you think?". I then arranged a solicitors letter to be sent to DH and her confirming their admitted adultery and that any continued contact would result in commencement of divorce proceedings with her as the named party....TBH they both were petrified that I would actually carry it through and realised how stupid that they'd both been - their little work dalliance was soon killed stone cold dead when the reality hit !!!!

To this day, I absolutely have no regrets, I remained in control and dignified.....they were both at fault and were BOTH made to realise what the consequence of their choices could be...FFS they're both adults after all and we all have to take responsibility for our actions.......

If I met her today I would still love to smash her face in even though it's 9 yrs ago...and there are times when I still look at DH and can't quite forgive him. I have moved on but an affair DOES change your relationship. I for one don't believe that you can ever forget, forgive yes. The other reality check that it gave me was that the industry I was in and part of at a very senior level was full of so called happily married men having affairs - it seemed part of the culture to have a little meaningful dalliance on the side and, unfortunately, there were many more men that were indulging than weren't...It was the major reason that I decided not to go back to work once I became a mum - I just couldn't stomach the fact that I was sitting around a table with seemingly professional, driven, highly motivated men...that were playing away from home with a wife at home with, more often than not, a young family.....

I hope things improve for you hurtwife, remember that it takes time......and that there will be days when you'll just think 'sod it'...lol to you, hope my revenge story helps a little !!!

Thanks boobs - i do like the feeling in control - i do have her and her H number and have rung them both at the beginning.

I just feel that as time goes on i know i cannot actually 'do' anything but i like to think about it - does that make me a bad person?

I already know that i have the best revenge anyway - i can look my children in the eye and know that i did nothing wrong to cause them so much pain - unlike she did. My children will know that i fought for what i thought was right at the time but they will also have learnt forgiveness and that it is not always weak to think of others first. Well thats the theory anyway - i will be asking for advice later on them no doubt and we can them blame their drug habbits on their appalling upbringing!!

Why should we not feel anger to OW - even if they have been lied to they have known he was married (I have been in situation seeing bloke and later discovered he had GF - old him in no uncertain terms to take a huge flying leap (and yes I was falling for him) BUT I had more respect for myself and his GF to continue it for even a minute and didn't even consider it - which is why it amazes me that the OW can exuse her behaviour with the fact that she "loved" him - crap I say if you love him that much tell him to leave his family FIRST and that you will be waiting from him if he does....I could never do it to another woman or children there is no excuse in my mind
G+B sorry but have NO sympaty for you and am glad your heart was broken - my (D)H OW told my (D)H her heart was broken too bloody good - so was mine my DD and my family destroyed - but I had no choice in the matter

hurtwife - my dh left with my best friend who also happened to be married. I dreamt up all sorts of revenge and it sustained me when I was at my lowest. I knew I would never do it and I resolved to stop giving him power over me and my life - little easier to do when no children are involved.

I felt doubly betrayed. It was not like she could pretend we had not been married she was there as the matron of honour!!!!

ANyway time marches on - I got to live overseas and travel and do things I had never dreamt of doing. Best of all - met a wonderful man and now have three gorgeous daughters.

A couple of months ago - was out at the theatre with a friend - not long after I had had dd3. Lo and behold I ran into them - 14 years later - and you know what - they looked rough. For two people who were obsessed at how they looked and their weight etc - they were both huge - she looked so bad I did not recognise her at first BUT the look he gave me sparked off the recognition. I seriously did not recognise him at first. I felt good that I looked good and although not a supermodel - felt good about myself. I just laughed and then told the friend with me who it was as they passed us.

Friend turned around to find them hinding behind a class cabinet to check me out obviously thinking we could not see them (d'oh).

I walked away thanking god that they were no longer in my life and for the wonderful husband and family I now have.

You too will get to that point BUT you need to work through this first.

I figure if you need to have some fantasy revenge - then do it here or write short stories about what you would do and then burn them. IF that is what helps - go for it.

I can't find the website - will try and look later - off to do the school run and out for a meeting.

eidsvold I remember your post on that chance meeting at the time. Very satisfying.

It's so sad to find out how many of you are still angry so many years on. I am glad that I don't feel anger about the first one any more. I wonder if the face slap helped.

boobsgonesouth I loved your strategic approach. The sort of thing Bree Van Der Kamp from Desperate Housewives might do.

Suezee yes I am still with him. I only discovered about the latest indiscretion about three weeks ago but it actually happened over two years ago when I was about to give birth to ds4.

I've been trying to rewrite the past two years and make sense of all the events which have occured but putting them into the context of the revelations.

Thanks eidsvold

I am sure i will work through this - and i know that time will help.

I have a H now who is trying so very very hard to make up for all the crap of the past year or so. We are having more fun together than we have since our children but we still share the precious moments of their lives too together. He is like the man i always knew he was and in some ways i pity her because the man he was last year was not the 'real' him at all. Anyone that knows him says he is a an overgrown kid and at his best when playing with his children - and she never saw that side of him at all.

He says now that it was just flattery and that she had the time to make him feel special - whereas now we both make the effort to spend time on each other. He has even helped arrange babysitters ect.

I think the pain will always be there, this is not what i ever wanted in my life but i have survived it and learnt and certainly cant change it, so i will carry on with a slightly altered life with my eyes opened now.

Oh hurt wife that is such a lovely post. It does make me feel strong. Your dh sounds just like mine. My dh is definately at his best when he is with his dds. He is such a wonderful father, he is not himself right now. It gives me hope that we will get through our problems too.