Not enough friends

[bringee]

I don't know why I always feel like this but it's annoying me now and I'd rather not feel like it...

I always feel I don't have enough friends. I know it sounds really silly for a 32 year old married woman with toddler twins but I fear not having enough friends!

I never fitted in school - my mum and dad weren't part of the 'in-crowd' with my friends' parents and they were younger than them too (and of a lower social class). I always felt not good enough no matter how hard I tried to fit in. Their parents forgot to ask me how my life was going because they didn't know. My parents don't have many friends because they don't really socialise (just with work).

Fast forward and my friends are busy working and don't really call. It's difficult for me to go out and see them because I have toddler twins (I don't want to wreck their houses etc). I just wish they'd text sometimes and ask how we all are. I always make the effort but I'm not going to anymore. Once I stop there's no relationship.

I am focused on my family but I l'm always up for a drink. I try and socialise (I've joined a dance class) but I still feel like I haven't got a good enough social life or friends.

I feel exactly the same at the moment. No advice I’m afraid! I may be more reserved at times and I don’t think this helps my situation. I think i need to have more confidence and be more open. 🥴

Things will honestly get easier and better for you when the little ones start school, i never used to believe it but its true generally. A lot of friends can also be a total liability, i speak from experience. You need to realise that YOU are enough, regardless of how many people you have around or who makes effort. Honestly it is a lot of the time just circumstances, nothing to do with anyone personally. Take it easy on yourself and focus on what you enjoy, whether that be reading, a good film or netflix, going to a theatre or something interesting that will open your mind and horizons.

I’m the same. My parents never really had friends, we didn’t live in the same village I went to school in so my mum never made school gate friends. Fast forward a generation and I’m doing the exact same thing. I have no friends - someone recently asked me who my best friend was and it was awful actually thinking I don’t have any. I worry so much I’m creating the same life for my own children.

Do you know this was me a few years ago . I have a family but now they are older so I do have some free time . It's difficult to make friends when you have young children but you will meet like minded people through groups / work etc. It's like looking for a partner it'll happen through meeting people .

OP you could have described me! I have also decided to stop trying so much in the hope it will make me feel better but it hasn't worked so far

I totally understand. I'm a quieter person and have only ever had a couple close friends, not the type to stand out in a crowd.

I'm currently pregnant and am thinking I might join a mum & baby group after the baby gets here to try meet other mums in my area. Out of my comfort zone by miles but I need to try I think. Also considering a mum & baby Pilates group close by where all the mums go for coffee after.

Could you join a mum & toddler group to try meet people?

Yes I go to mother and toddler and I'm making friends. Looking on my
Post again and thinking I don't
Think that's the issue - i'm just not happy with some girls i thought were like
Sisters to me. Now i have my twins they have bought me new found confidence and i dont have time for people who aren't worth the effort. Ive already left work - my boss was an absolute joke and i was being treated like crap - i didnt see it until afterwards. The same with my friends - i thought they'd be there for me but they don't bother to ask anything about the babies - i dont know if theyre jealous or what? If they had kids i would always remember birthdays etc. I find it od. I know its not personal but babies change things.

Yes I think babies do change things. I'm due in 4 weeks and I haven't heard from a lot of people I thought would care (currently off sick). Recently I wasn't invited to a big birthday bash because it was assumed I wouldn't want to go while pregnant.

I'm sure your friends do care, just won't understand fully until they have their own children.

Be brave, take a deep breath and go to some mother and baby groups in your area.
If one doesn't feel right for whatever reason go to another.

Of course there will be mums there who have lots of friends and are self-assured, but equally there will be a lot of lonely mothers there as well - believe me, that's why they go!

Very best of luck x

I do go to them. I just think my life's changed since having them.

I think it's very hard for adults to form true friendships.

I had my children before my friends had children and I think it’s quite normal to not be that interested in kids until you have your own.
They were still all going out and I was pregnant/had young children so missed out on quite a lot but I wouldn’t change it. I am getting some freedom back now my kids are older while they are all doing the million clubs and early wake up calls every weekend!
I went to some mother and baby groups and things and ended up meeting an old friend who had also just had a baby and we are still friends now so hopefully you will meet some new people doing the same x

I feel like you OP, I don't have a best friend, don't have many "real" friends. I think I am used to being a bit of a loner. My DD has a best friend but my son doesn't, he never gets asked around to play despite me asking other boys round. His teacher says he is a lovely boy though and popular, it upsets me.

OP try and go to as many groups with your DC- playgroups, rhyme time, etc. Also if you can, some exercise classes allow you to bring children or have a creche.

I sometimes go to classes during the week now DC are at school, a lot of the women are older than me but are very nice and like to chat.

OP, in the nicest possible way, and I don’t mean this harshly, your posts are all about what other people have done wrong — your parents, your school friends’ parents (?), your pre-children friends, your former boss.

You’re 32 — whether your parents were social butterflies or virtual recluses really can’t define your friendships now. And having a child, especially if you do it earlier or later than your friendship groups, is a time when friendships change, and some fall by the wayside, temporarily or permanently — no one’s to blame, and pointing fingers and getting resentful and saying you would have been a better friend if the circumstances were reversed really doesn’t help. (Though it can hurt — it’s happened to me, too.)

You are where you are. The only thing you can do anything about if your own behaviour. Other people will give you good advice. All I can add is to look forward, not back

You're right. I need to take responsibility. Cant be blaming people. You can only control yourself. You are totally right.
If i'm not happy with my friends then i should totally just leave it because they're not going to change.
Regarding my parents. It's my own insecurity about being lower middle class.

I'm really curious about what has made you insecure about being lower middle class? I'm as working class as you can get but my friends are from a variety of backgrounds, including one of the poshest people I've ever met. My childhood best friend lived in a different world to me. It's just genuinely never occurred to me to take class into consideration when deciding if I like someone or not.

If your present friends are ok except not interested in your babies then don't cut them off. Everyone is not interested in babies but can add fun to your life. I never expected my friends to remember my DCS birthdays and l certainly didn't remember theirs.
But my dc are grown now and l still have those friends. We meet up regularly, go away for weekends together etc. It means a lot to me having them now so don't cut them off. You can gradually make mum friends but ones who knew you even before your partner are valuable too.
I also found that as soon as l didn't care if l had new friends or not l began making some. Confidence and good feelings about yourself and your life attracts people.
If you still have hangover stuff from your childhood maybe have some counselling as you don't want this stuff following you all your life.

Snotnose - i think it was growing up with people that would turn their noses up at anyone not like them from their world. They never asked about my life , took an interest in it and my parents. I just always felt like the outcast.

But again, bringee, you are choosing to let a narrative from your childhood dictate your attitude to making friends in your 30s.

I'm from right down the bottom of the non-coping working class we lived by a traveller halting site by a landfill site, and the travellers wouldn't play with me at school because I was 'settled', and the settled kids didn't like me because I was quasi-traveller from their POV, and into the bargain my closest childhood friend came from an upwardly mobile family and was encouraged to discard me by her parents when they made a lot of money, moved away and she went to a private secondary school and started to hang around with girls with ponies and ski holidays but I don't let that fairly shattering set of experiences in my schooldays define me as an adult.

A pp's suggestion of talking to a counsellor about it sounds good to me, if it's something that is still dictating your feelings about friendships.

And I agree with the same poster's advice to not cut off your current friends if the only issue with them is a lack of interest in your children -- if you still genuinely feel a bond with these people, the friendships may reignite properly again in the future, when your children are older.

I have a child, but my friends and I are not that interested in one another's children, and I certainly never remember birthdays -- my friendship is with the parent, not the child, and while they were in a very baby-focused phase, I was just waiting for them to re-emerge. And vice-versa.

And this is key to the whole thing --

It's just genuinely never occurred to me to take class into consideration when deciding if I like someone or not.

not the class part, but focusing on whether you like someone you meet or not. Your posts are about worrying about 'not having enough friends', which makes it all sound weirdly impersonal, like worrying about not having enough nappies stockpiled or something. People don't want to be mechanically snapped up as just another item to add to your friend stockpile are you meeting people you like and want to have in your life? Focus on whether you like them!

Yeah you're right.
You need to stop letting life dictate you yeah? Its such a powerful and empowered statement.