Sorry, old time poster and lurker but created a new account.
I really resisted posting this as it somehow feels disloyal, but I don't want to moan to my mother and I'd value a dispassionate opinion on whether I am wrong/oversensitive or plain crazy.
Been with DH since university, we are now late 40s two children both work part time. Share looking after children, household tasks, jobs are on an equal par, etc. He is A Good Man. Not overtly angry, slow to rouse, patient etc. Great, you say. However I feel that if anything goes wrong, or I express myself in a way that he finds annoying I get blamed, or he deflects, or minimises or engages in whataboutism so I am left feerling like I am crazy, hormonal (because of course, he doesn't have any) or
I should say that when I met him I had a breakdown following a rape on my year abroad, I spent two weeks in a psych hospital and his parents wanted him to leave me, but he stuck by me. Of course, it means it's easy to brand me crazy, irrational and neurotic and hormonal. But if you were to ask people, and my mother, they'd tell you that I was very sorted and manage my emotions fairly well.
In our twenties we lived the party lifestyle, drank lots too. With children and perimenopause I don't drink, he does, a fair bit, and I feel I see things a lot more clearly.
I realise that he always deflects the blame onto me. He just cannot say sorry (I can see why that might be from his upbringning) and it is driving me crazy.
examples would be blaming our children's behaviour on me being gloomy
not caring about his parents (recent bereavement and mental health and money issues) but I have been told "it's none of my business" so I am hesitant to ask
MIL almost moved into road near us and he didn't tell me until I found leaflets, but that was my fault because I'd react badly and I'm a nightmare...
When venting about a difficult cat to cat integration we are doing at the moment that isn't going well, saying in front of kids that I don't care about his problems (actually last night I listened to him for a fair amount of time him venting) and when I asked "hey, what the ...?" I get told that I need to manage my stress for the good of the household.
In fact that's the default - anything he doesn't like - it's all me, all my neurotic stress that is casting a great shadow. If that doesn't work I get told to eat some of my Buddhist bullshit (I meditate) or to go and have a lie down.
It leaves me feeling chastised, or else mad, and when I've got over it (by the way, I don't get mad, I just go quiet a bit I guess - I enable it I think) I still feel like I've lost trust, like he really has a low opinion of him
I even think I got HRT partly because he got me thinking I was off the scale moody (I don't think I was)
I honestly think he preferred the younger, more overweight, hungover insecure person rather than the non-drinking runner (I'm not selling myself here :) I am now.
Sometimes I feel I can't relax in my own homwe. He gives a constant running commentary of all the chores he's done which make me feel like I am being lazy - once he vented about all the laundry and accused me of not doing enough post-dinner clearing while I had bleach and gloves in my hand. Yet if I interrupt his tidying I get huffed at.
It's like I can't win. He seems so low level angry with me - he probably doesn't even know it himself and bringing it up will result in being told I am mad.