Am I being unfair?

[Xxpeckxx]

Hi, I have two children a 6 year old and a very active 14 month old with my boyfriend. I’m currently a stay at home mum setting Up a business, but feel so alone. My boyfriend leaves the house 6ish am and returns around 5ish. Sometimes earlier depending on his work load that day. He comes in has a shower, eats his dinner and then goes to sleep, asleep by 8 latest. He never helps with the children/ housework/ cooking saying that he works more than the average person and he’s too tired. Sometimes he works Saturdays and has the Sunday off but still not will not help. I get up at 6am every morning and on weekends he lays in. Lately he has started the gym so will come in from work, then go gym, come home have dinner and sleep. And now he wants to get a motorcross bike to go with his friends on sundays. I don’t want him to be trapped indoors but I get so lonely and frustrated with no time to even bathe myself in peace. He says other mums bath in the day whilst their husband is at work and that he works so hard and is just exhausted. Am I being unreasonable in wanting a little family time and some help with th children, or should I be a little more understanding that he’s tired from work and needs alone time?

That's very odd. What is his actual job? I don't understand how/why someone working those hours would be asleep by 8pm on the regular.

Hi xxpeckxx ,
Do you and your boyfriend have any quality time together?

I completely understand that he is tired and works long days but he can have a break during the day at work z. with kids there isn’t one especially at 14 months I bet your down to one nap in which you furiously clean and tidy ready for the ext onslaught.

With that in mind ignore the cleaning a couple of times a week and have your bath ... you need your me time/ or have it when the kids go to bed. ( boyfriend included)

Are there any soft play centres near you to take the youngest so you can solicalise and you’ve started burn of steam?

These are all ideas that you can help yourself but of course it would be ideal if your boyfriend had time with you and did things for you, it’s not unreasonable to expect time to bond as a family ... I am only 17 weeks into this mother hood game so it may change over 6 years but my husband will be up at 4am and back at 8pm but he still can’t wait to get hold of his son and at the weekends I have to wrestle him back off him.

He is shattered too but as he said his down time is now family time and that’s the better mentality ... when I go back to work that will be the same for me or how would we ever have a bond with our son.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t occasionally go out once a month with friends and work occasions ... but we very much come first and it’s that part that is so important as you are busy all day too.

You matter too... talk to him about allocating a indoors date night into it and at least every other Sunday family fun time... as it’s important he has a bond with his kids and you x

P.s I was leaving for work at 6:45 and home by 6:45 pm every day for my work including when heavily pregnant ... with travel
I don’t see it as unusual and suspect he could have another hour in him to put the kids to
Bed every other night at least x x

No you are not being unfair, he is being very unfair. The DC's are his too, why is it all on you to parent them? It's very unreasonable of him to act like a single person and leave everything to you. He gets to go to bed early and have lie ins on the weekend, what about you? When is he shouldering his 50% of the parenting load? When are you getting some down time?

The part in your OP where he tells you he works harder than the average person did make me lol, what utter bullshit, he's saying this to escape his responsibilities and it sounds like you've let him get away with this and you need to stop that. Does he honestly believe he's working harder than you? He needs to step up, accept he made a decision to have kids and that means 8pm bedtimes, weekend lay ins, motocross with his mates on the 1 free day he has to spend with his family etc are not viable anymore. He needs to grow up and you need to find your backbone OP and stand up for yourself and get him to do his part instead of him acting like an entitled manchild good luck.

Please see this as a sign of how selfish he is. He clearly sees you as the hired help (except you're not getting paid...). Stop making his dinner and eat with the kids. He can wash his own stuff.

In the meantime make sure you are financially protected as you are not married. Check you're on the deeds of the house/rental agreement, council tax etc. This business must be yours and yours only.

What a tool. FWIW my DH works flexible hours in his own business but still will take over the kids or sort dinner when he's done a 14 hour day.

Those hours look pretty standard to me, my dp leaves and returns one hour yours. I would not want to live with him if he didn't then help with our one child.

Those are normal hours. Is he unwell? Is he depressed? Tell him either he needs to pull his finger out or see a Dr

He’s very selfish OP! I think you need to sit down and have a chat with him and tell him your having a night off or a day off at the weekend and arrange something with friends. He is living the life of Riley and even though he has children his life has not changed at all! I really sympathise with you, motherhood is the hardest job in the world.
Also what adult goes to bed at 8pm regardless of how long their day is? It doesn’t make sense. Is there any other behaviour he is engaging in which you cant explain? When are you guys intimate?

Agree with pps, those are normal hours. He's being a lazy pig. My partner used to work similar hours but would help either with baby or making dinner and let me have a live-in one weekend day. And also openly acknowledged I had the harder job.

Hi, thank you all for your replies!
I have spoke to him about this and he made me feel like I was overreacting and was being unfair on him. He said I get all day to do what I want, and he doesn’t as he’s at work providing for us. He says he works extremely hard for us and I’m ungrateful. He is an engineer. My 14 month old still gets up at least once in the night still and I feel so drained. He has changed her nappy once in the past 6 months and fed her twice. I’m fine with him living a healthier lifestyle by going to the gym but I wish he wouldn’t go at the times he does, he will go at around 6, which gives him about half hour indoors from work, then gym, then back dinner and bed. Although even on the days he doesn’t go gym it’s the same rountine. It’s coming up to summer and the sundays that he will get off will be at motocross leaving family days completely off. I would be happy him going motocross if it is done fairly. We are probably intimate once a week, and even then it’s not affectionate.

Partner and I are both in engineering. I repeat: he's a lazy pig and is leaving the real hard work to you then emotionally blackmailing you.

OP leave him with the kids for a weekend and go off and do something for yourself. After a couple of days of doing "whatever he wants" he might just realise what a selfish idiotic twat he's being.

Does he realise that when if you split up then he will have to have the kids every other weekend and a night in the week? That's far, far more time than he currently spends with them

What's the situation with the house - rented? Owned? In which name?

Those are perfectly normal hours.

He needs to start pulling his weight.

My husband is out from 6.30am to 5.30pm, comes in and straight away pitches in - kids dinner, bath, teeth bed time, housework, our dinner. I'm temporarily out of work until summer so do most of the house stuff in the day around looking after 2 pre-school kids but the point is, when we are both in the house, we do equal amounts of what needs doing.

Sorry posted too soon - so YANBU to expect more from him imo.

Can't believe he said u get all day to do what u want. Well no u don't coz u are looking after both ur kids and the house while he's at work, ur not being a lady of leisure!

U are too soft with him, seriously he is walking all over you. Has it always been like this from when ur first was born?

My dh works full time in a very physical job and he is shattered when he gets in. I work 3 days a week so I do more than him but not that much more maybe like 60/40 or 65/35.

My husband gives our little one dinner while I make dinner for us and sometimes he'll have to change a nappy too while I'm busy. He baths her and I get stuff ready for bed. We then take turns where one of us dresses her and gives her a bottle the other one takes her to bed. It's about sharing the load whether he's tiered or not tough. He's really not thinking about how tiered u are and that u never get any time to yourself, he is very very selfish.

Also once ur little ones are in bed it would nice to spend even an hour together surely he can manage that and he wld still be in bed early just not a ridiculous 8 o'clock. Sometimes my dh falls asleep on the couch, usually towards the end of the week but at least he's made an effort to spend some time with me.

Hahaha he’s so funny! You get to do what you want all day? He works harder than most people? Huh, he wouldn’t dare say these things to anyone but you - they are ridiculous! He’s just selfish and a user and you’ve allowed him to be up till now.
His remarks really are offensive. Now, what are you going to do to show him enough is enough?

Is he working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? No? Thought not.

You are, though. You are never off duty, and he doesn't care.

Thank you, you’ve all made me see things more clearly and realise he’s very selfish. Last night I discovered his been downloading Snapchat when we are not together and talking to girls, he says nothing sexual But I have left the home (as it’s his) and gone to my mums

I work 9pm-9am, so I leave the house at 8.30pm and not usually home til 9.30am. We have a nearly 2yr old. I still come home and do a large chunk of childcare, housework, cooking, etc. I call bullshit. Why did he have kids if he isn't spending any time with them?

Good for you, he sounds incredibly selfish and inconsiderate towards you, and a shit Dad too. My DH was a SAHD while I worked FT. I'd get in at 6pm, spend 2 minutes getting changed and then be full on involved in family life until bedtime. Because I wanted to be and also because I appreciated that my DH had also done a long day's work looking after our DC. You're well rid if him, one less child to care for.

What a horrible using git he is op. What did he say when you left? Bet that was a shock. Let him get on with it. You deserve better than this. What are your plans now?