How did you know it was time to call it a day?

[SoConfused2019]

I guess i'm in limbo right now with my dp of 17 years. Its one of those things where I feel unhappy 90% of the time (the other 10 being when he's out of the house) or I don't know whether it's a stage with me and I need to work on myself first.

There were accusations made by him last year that I was having an affair - this was down to me joining a gym and going to certain classes each evening once id finished work and ds was in bed. He still brings this up to this day, he would go through my belongings, go through my laptop and phone to the point I put passwords on which made him more furious.

I spent many nights sleeping on the couch as I didnt want to be in the same room as him, if I happened to be in bed he would sometimes check to see if I was on messenger, come upstairs take my phone away turn the tv off and tell me to go to bed. Theres been occasions where hes gone through my belongings while ive been sleeping, come running upstairs and threw them at me to confront me with them - hearing him now come up the stairs gives me anxiety and my heart rate goes through the roof.

god writing this down now i'm in tears at how pathetic I sound. i'd tell someone to leave in a heartbeat. But I have nowhere to go. The house is in his name as couldn't get on the mortgage being a student at the time and we've never got around to renewing it.

We both lost close family members a few ears ago and while I think i've had to stay strong for the sake of my child, he's been allowed to take a back seat in parenting and being a partner. he lost his job, last himself and is now trying to reinvent himself as an artist so he returned to uni and i'm left struggling financially and on a day to day basis as I feel like im the only adult in the house.

My parents split and I never wanted that for my own child but im so unhappy when hes here. He still expects sex and I just dont have it in me to be in the same room as him most days never mind getting naked with him. He makes me feel im only here to please him.

I just dont know what to do, try and improve myself as im so unhappy or just cut my losses after 17 years and go.

Your unhappy.... cut your losses & leave.

But you know this already, don't you! You just need to hear it from someone else.
Well your doing the right thing by leaving him, have you got a plan?

This is your life, it's so short , don't waste your time spending it with the wrong people. He sounds very controlling, don't let him gaslight you.

Now, you need a plan!
Get papers ready first, passport, documents... he sounds like the kind of bloke to make your life hard if he can, is your car in your name? My ex changed my car into his name without my knowledge, so I changed it back without him knowing 😂😂 then took all documentation so he couldn't take everything away from me.

If you have to ask yourself that question, then it's time to leave.

if I happened to be in bed he would sometimes check to see if I was on messenger, come upstairs take my phone away turn the tv off and tell me to go to bed.

This is not acceptable behaviour from one adult to another. Why are you allowing him to treat you like s naughty teenager ?

This would not have me wondering how to know, either he or I would be out of there

Also agree with PP , if you are not sure, it's time to finish it.

I knew it was time when I started to feel resentment towards him/our marriage and the dc started to pick up on it. I'd been with him 16 years and knew we should split for at least 13 of those but couldn't face it with two young dc. It wasn't good but it wasn't that bad either.

The other thing was the dc started high school became more independent and it left a gaping hole right in our marriage. We agreed a mutual split 3 years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done!